Last night I had family come in for S's ballgame. It was great to have them at the game. My FIL also sat in our "old" seats. H was alone up in the corner of the opposite side.
Anyway, game ends and we are waiting for S. Usually I wait in the gym / H waits in the hall. Tonight FIL comes in to talk to me and D. H comes in and is friendly to my family. All are polite except my sister who just looks at him. H moves away to wait for S and is talking to some of the other players families. A bit awkward - but all in all very civil. I have no eye contact or interaction with H. Another parent, one I'm not very close to, comes up to me and hugs me and says "you have never looked better." I tear up and say "thank you so much." She says "I've been where you are but I never looked this good." Very, very kind.
I feel as if I am trying to bring some closure to some things as we end the year. For me, it's not about letting go of the rope. Every now and then I find myself holding on to a thread - but overall I have dropped the rope. Right now I am trying to put words in place to define the situation. I always beat myself up or lack confidence in my perception of things. Re-reading some things I see it is part of codependency - taking on responsibility for all problems, failures, etc. I have a great resource book that's called "Deceived - Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets". I have more dog-eared and highlighted pages in this book than any other.
At the center of this story is the fact that I married a man who I called my hero. I felt HE saved me from a life of chaos and crisis. As a college athlete I saw him as disciplined, righteous, good. I wanted to be saved - but I also wanted to work to make him proud and happy. I had no personal goals except to be a great mother, wife and never be a burden. I found out that you can't let being a wife take second place to being a mother. I made that mistake but then took steps to change that. I will make sure my kids know this before getting married. I found out that you can forgive things that you would have never thought you could - that the vow/commitment of marriage requires a level of faith that is not for the weak at heart.
Now I am trying to bring closure to my understanding of who he is. He is a man who has lost his way. He is lost from faith and God. He has engaged in sick, perverted, sexual encounters with strangers. He has engaged in compulsive self stimulation during phone sex with strangers. He was investigated at work and almost lost his job because of his trysts. If his employer were to look at phone records they would find hours of phone time on sex chat lines. He spent a few months "owning" his ill behaviors. During this time he tried to become a "better" person (father, husband, employer). He then found recovery too challenging - in his mind, because he wasn't happy with me. If I was the "one" then his recovery would have been easy to accomplish. He relapses and finally he has walked out on his wife and son. He hops from place to place for living arrangements. Within a month he meets a bartender. He says that "he didn't expect to fall so fast." He now sees that she MUST be the "one" if he is not engaging in his "old" behaviors. He can't understand why everyone is not as happy for him as he is - it's because of me. Because I am not handling his decision well enough - because I don't want to be friends with him. I have been almost totally dark from him since July 30th. I only see him at S's games and I keep my distance. I have only phoned him once because he was making S upset with unreasonable demands. I have let him go - physically. I am still working on the emotional. I have provided all requested information for the D.
Now who am I - right now, today. I am a flawed, kind, funny, strong woman. I have been exposed to some heinous circumstances - some VERY sick behaviors - but I have not succumbed to the dirt. I have been compassionate, sympathetic, forgiving, concerned for my H. I have been trying to live a clean life and create a clean, safe place for my S to finish high school and my Ds to come home to. I have been trying to be a more focused employee - making up for the months (maybe even years) of distraction due to my marital illness. I have turned to my faith instead of away. I finally reached out to a core support group who I trust and who know the truth. I have remained faithful in my marriage. I have been financially independent during this time. I have at times fallen into despair in front of family and friends. I have made myself physically ill by these events. I have overindulged my kids, myself with food (and wine) sometimes. I have joined a gym and regularly take pilates and have met some lovely people. I have recognized the blessings that I have in my life and that I have ignored over the last few years as I clung to save my marriage.
I am trying to be ready for 2011 to be a year of healing for me. Any suggestions?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish, honey, you sound like you already have the plan in order.
You sound strong, competent, human, loving, compassionate . . . all the words one would like to see tacked by their name.
But, as the turning of the year seems to be symbolic to you, and I'm not knocking it, I've been there myself, I will tell you what I did once.
I had a very intense 3 year relationship with someone when I was much, much younger. Looking back, I can see the superficiality of it, but at the time . . . It ended in October. On New Year's Eve, after 2 months of intense Grief, I went out into my backyard at midnight, champagne in one hand, and just HOWLED. Screamed. Yelled. Not crying, mind you, just letting it all out and letting it go.
That didn't end the grieving process, mind you, but it did serve as a symbolic 'turning my back' on the year and everything it had held. Only looking forward. I still remember that to this day. I yelled until my throat was raw. I'm sure my neighbors appreciated it.
Reliving this makes me want to make a symbolic gesture this year. How about I just crack a champagne bottle over H's head? Just kidding. I'll crack one over your H's head and you crack one over mine. Two strangers on a train, remember that one? LOL
I read your post and saw echoes of my own journey. Your H's view that if faithfulness to your marriage isn't easy it must not be real love – that could have come straight from my own H. In his view, his desire to stray was unforgivable, but in his mind the blame was really mine.
I don’t really have any advice. You seem to be ahead of me on this journey. Just know I will keep you and your S in my prayers. You deserve your healing, and clean new year.
Punkin and Zen - Thanks for your input. I wish I could go to bed on December 19th and wake up on January 1st. This is such a difficult time - trying to be "up" when I feel so down. I am trying so hard to put things in perspective...it's very hard though. IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You can be proud of how you've handled all of this. That is what will be remembered by your loved ones.
This is all about you and your journey now. It's what you choose to make of it. The power that is yours is within your reach. Grab hold and use it. Don't let anyone take it from you again.
Last year, I lost Christmas. It was only a couple months later from receiving the bomb. I let the pain and memories from Christmas past consume me and my misery affected my children. That will NEVER happen again. I took my power back and I will give no one that right to take away my time from me again. I choose to make this a joyous time for me and my loved ones despite what H has and is doing.
Let go of what your H is and does right now. It's not about him unless you let it be. You have the choice here, we all do. Let God take care of our MLCers, and it will be just as it was meant to be.
(((HUGS))) your strength and determination is showing!!!
IB I am feeling the same about wanting the holidays to go away and get to 2011 already. I've never felt that way before, wanting time to SPEED UP. I've always been the opposite, counting the days of the holidays away feeling regret with the passing of every one.
Then I tell myself don't get yourself too excited, it's not like it will be 2011 and suddenly everything will be terrific day one. But I hear you, I sympathize. There is such ugliness in all of this and such anguish. I feel like we want a clean slate and a new year usually represents that.
You do sound really strong and competent in your posts above, though, and you sound like you have a plan, and that's all to the good. (((HUGS)))
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thanks all. I don't feel strong at all. I feel very exhausted and defeated. I am disappointed in myself that I don't feel stronger. I thought I could handle the holidays better than I am. I still care too much about what he is doing/thinking. I still believe all the sh*t he says about me - or at least I still think "what if".
I'm sad, lonely, and tired. Not a great place to be for my kids or for me.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I totally don't feel strong either, but I know that I am! I am too dreading this holiday week, but I have made a goal for myself to smile and be positive as much as I can in order to get to the first day of the new year. Then, I will set another goal about the next chapter of my life. You can do this, we can do this together!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
