Thank you VERY much for your posts and continued encouragement CW, GGirl, Mila, and Sanderika,
GGirl, thank you SO much for posting your story! It is inspiring to see what can happen even 3-4 years after the bomb.
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
I do believe that me treating my h with kindness helped. Now he didn't exactly run home, but it did path the way for him to eventually come home. I tried to think in terms of how would God want me to treat my wayward spouse and not how I really wanted to treat him. Even if my h never returned, I wanted to remember that I gave it my all in the M and took the high road despite all the pain my h imposed upon me.
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
I consider myself to have a strong relationship with God and did what I felt the Lord was leading me to do. Well, h walked in the door 30 days later and I think because we had a good relationship already it was easier to pick up from there rather than this akwardness of not being together for years.
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
Each month of rebuilding gets better and better.
GGirl, I really appreciate your insights!
CW and Mila, I really appreciate you being in the trenches with me on this journey. We are all trying to move forward in the best way we can.
Sanderika, I don't know how to thank you for input.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
Your flirting has caught his attention...he is interested to see what comes next. One thing I learned is that our H/XH's find intrigue in our new found fun, flirty, sexy actions....
Even though they are intrigued they will continue to proceed with caution. This is where positive, consistent behavior will slowly convince him your new flirty GAG is who he likes and wants to spend more time with.
I would continue to flirt to see where I could take this. This is a part of us they yearn for and had, in most cases, thought we were incapable of being again. It's like bringing back the girl they feel in love with. IMO, with time this will go a long way to bring back their loving feelings.
This ^^^^^ REALLY gave me something to think about. Thank you! It made me remember.........I mean REALLY REMEMBER in a way that I haven't done yet on this journey........ how hard I worked at dressing nicely and being fun when XH and I first fell in love. I think all Rs need novelty, but I think XH needs more novelty than most. He is always looking for the newest electronic gadget and always wanted to go out and see new things.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
Whatcha going to wear underneath
This ^^^^^^ was also a good reminder. Thank you. I wore a V-neck shirt, but it wasn't as flattering as I would have liked. I guess that I now need to go shopping for some flattering outfits to play TT in.
Just got back from playing TT with XH. VIRTUAL HIGH FIVE to Missherlove. I made a move and XH didn't freak out. To find out what happened, you'll have to read to the end.
XH must really enjoy playing TT with me because we had ~6 inches of snow this afternoon and evening rush hour was horrible!!!!! It took me 1 3/4 hours to travel 8 miles. Blech! XH had a very slow commute too, but still wanted to play TT. After we finished at 8pm, he still had to go home and snowblow his walks and driveway. XH has also begun playing racquetball again with his buddies (he is wearing a knee brace --- no surgery planned ).........so it is VERY interesting that he still wants to play with me regularly.
Before and during playing we talked about a lot of different things ---- friends and family. I had gone to visit his mother yesterday evening (we texted back and forth during the visit about some of her health issues). XH doesn't know it yet, but I had taken Christmas cards for his mother to send to XH and X-SIL. I had his mother write messages in both cards and address them. I will mail them tomorrow. I think XH and his sister will be surprised to receive them. ............Tonight I noticed that XH seemed as though he was trying to "hold back" in the way that a man holds back so that he isn't "unfaithful"......yet, he made comments that indicated he was thinking about my welfare. -----this was a bit unusual for him, since he has been pretty self-centered since the bomb ----- We talked at length about the 100 year old tree on my patio that I am trying figure out what to do with. XH also talked about some of his problems (roof leaking with the snow). XH asked me about my plans for Christmas and I told him I would like to visit his mother on Christmas Day. XH asked what time I wanted to visit and I told him. He thought a minute and said that would probably work............so I got the distinct impression that XH will bring GF#2 to his mother's on Christmas Day but that he is willing to schedule their visit around my timetable.........Interesting.
The evening was very chatty and friendly. I flirted throughout the game, but not as blatantly as last week ---- we were both too tired from the long commute ---- and I knew that I was planning a special move for the end of the evening.........
At one point I said to XH "You had a TT table in our garage. Why didn't we ever play TT?" We both looked at each other.....kind of puzzled for a bit...........Then I said "I don't remember you ever asking me to play with you". XH then said "You were always working". The tone of XH's reply was not accusatory.....more wistful.............I think that this was a missed opportunity. I should have replied differently, but not sure exactly how. I probably should have said "Yes, I worked too much. So glad that I'm not living that way anymore."......Any other ideas out there for replies?
When I arrived I had brought a Christmas gift bag for XH. (XH told me on the phone earlier that his sister had sent a gift for me.) At the end of the game I gave it to XH. inside I had put a funny Christmas elf hat (red and green striped felt pointy elf hat with big tan-colored pointy ears sewn on the side) that XH left behind at the house when he moved. XH laughed! I told him that I was giving him the hat to keep his head warm when he sits in his hot tub. He smiled and laughed.
We stood outside in the cold and snow for 15 minutes chatting before we finally got in our cars and drove away. I was wearing my fedora and teal scarf. XH didn't say anything about the fedora, but I caught him looking at the new scarf..........I had planned that I wanted to give XH a Christmas kiss on the lips at the end of the evening, so as we talked I was thinking about this. I pulled a box of mints out of my purse and offered XH one. He declined, but I took one. .........Then I leaned in and kissed XH on the lips. Just a sweet, soft, little kiss...........and XH reciprocated. Then he reached out to hug me and we hugged tightly for a short time............then we both got in our cars and drove away...........................so I'm thinking that Missherlove and everyone else who has encouraged me to make the first move are correct. High fives all the way around! XH seems to be receptive. Very interesting. Very interesting...............I have to say that in all the time I've known H/XH, I have never seen him kiss any of his "friends" on the lips. That is just not the kind of thing that he does.
QUOTE: "so I got the distinct impression that XH will bring GF#2 to his mother's on Christmas Day but that he is willing to schedule their visit around my timetable"
I immediately thought that XH was thinking he could plan a visit to his M to coincide with your visit and the GF will not be with him.
QUOTE: "XH then said "You were always working". The tone of XH's reply was not accusatory.....more wistful.............I think that this was a missed opportunity. I should have replied differently, but not sure exactly how. I probably should have said "Yes, I worked too much. So glad that I'm not living that way anymore."......Any other ideas out there for replies?"
The reply I come up with isn't very different:
"Yes, XH, I did work way too much back then and that is something I wish I had done differently. I have learned how important it is to make time for fun and that's exactly what I plan to do."
I agree with you that his comment was not accusatory or hostile. IMO these guys move on rather quickly. They live more in the moment thus the past is water under the bridge, on trivial issues anyway.
NOW, on the big issues....they don't let go or forgive quickly at all....that's a topic for another day.
The Elf Hat was a perfect way to bring about some fun laughs, remember it also will bring up fond memories of Christmases past with you.
Your tender kiss will make him think about you quite a bit. It is very interesting that he reciprocated. I believe he was accepting because he felt a "connection". It may have even been a "spark" he was feeling. Your PMA and approach with flirty fun has allowed XH to be open for this.
This is where you tread lightly and slowly. Be extra careful not to rush him. Always maintain loving tenderness with him. Look at him with a warm smiles, they speak in validating thoughts.
Your next encounter may be on Christmas, perhaps a Merry Christmas hug with an extra squeeze and a whisper in his ear like "Merry Christmas, XH, Thank You". See how he reciprocates and if he leads with a little kiss you can follow. Of course any contact will have to have perfect timing to be effective.
Since XH kissed you too, I think you have succeeded in leaving XH intrigued and wondering what this new found feeling means, and that is a good thing!!!
Have a wonderful week,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
You pulled it off beautifully! It certainly sounds like you left XH at least thinking about wanting more...
As far as an answer to your working too much you could say yes, in hindsight what was gained by doing that wasn't worth what was lost.
As to the XMIL visit, I got the same impression as Sanderika. It sounds like he was figuring out if that time would work for him so you two could be there together, hopefully sans GF#2.
Keep doing what you're doing and building this slowly...
Thank you for sharing as it's wonderful to hear how this is playing out for you!
Wow GAG another great evening of TT. You really know how to finish the evening. Ha Ha! Love that goodnight KISS. Sometimes that is exactly how it begins.
I thought the same here!
QUOTE: "so I got the distinct impression that XH will bring GF#2 to his mother's on Christmas Day but that he is willing to schedule their visit around my timetable"
I immediately thought that XH was thinking he could plan a visit to his M to coincide with your visit and the GF will not be with him.
Many many many times these WAS's will bring up the past over and over and over again. I usually just kept it short and sweet. You are right ex h I did work too much or something along those lines. I mentioned the tongue biting. This is where it came in real handy. Saved me from many fights. Now my h wasn't always right, but I had to think was I trying to draw him in or push him further away. It just didn't seem that important to me anymore to defend my actions, because when I did that h usually stormed out or left and we were back to square one. Took me a long long long time to figure this one out. Who said I am stubborn. Ha Ha!
Good job!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
That is great!!!! Here’s a virtual high five backatcha!!!! I am glad that you stepped out of your comfort zone.
Your assessment of him not wanting to overstep his bounds as a “nice guy” is dead on accurate. He does not want to initiate because he would be “cheating” on his GF, additionally he does not want you to think that he thinks of you as a “fling”, or the kind of woman that would do that sort of thing.
Look he is probably realizing that he “effed” up but does not know a “nice” way getting back to what he once had. I truly believe that some of the WAS’s out there just figure that it is their punishment to live the rest of their lives with someone that is not their ideal mate because of the things they did in the past…..almost a martyr mentality. I believe this to be true of my STBXW, this is their fate and nothing can change it.
Jack was right…..your response about the work thing was perfect.
Relax…..
Be yourself……..
Don’t overanalyze things………
There is a pretty simple equation here………..your a girl……he’s a boy…..you guys are attracted to each other………..Do we really need a chalkboard here??????
Okay, next time you see him, make sure to give him that friendly “hello” hug, but either press your body into him or give him a peck on the cheek, remember this is just hello, so keep it “G” rated……he will be thinking about the goodbye kiss/hug the whole evening……could give you the advantage in TT????
During the game, continue with the innuendo and the visual stimulation…..you are now a master of flirting……the advice you are getting from the women here is great. Keep on that track.
When the time comes for the goodbye hug, that is when you need to “KISS” him!!!!! And I am not talking a soft gentle kiss……….be passionate…….he wants permission to be passionate back but he is afraid to ask or take the lead. You have to communicate non-verbally and very sexually that you are available to him. Give him a green light…….and he will take over…..trust me.
Once you get him all whipped up into a fine frothy mess, he will not be able to stop, then he will take over and you will be surprised at just how much he is holding back.
Stay away from the Book thing, the BMF thing, stay away from the past, LIVE IN THE MOMENT!!!!!
If you were out on a date with someone you just met, you would have no past with that person and you would bore them to tears talking about your past……..the same thing applies here.
I am very much looking forward to the next post-TT report……hopefully the report will come late…..like the next day and not that night………because hopefully you will be too busy!!!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I made a move and XH didn't freak out. To find out what happened, you'll have to read to the end. 