Please go to your doctor and let him give you something for depression. When it gets to the place you are describing, then you must get help.
I won't pretend to know what it's like for you,but I do know depression. It is serious.
You need to get something else centered in your mind. Don't let him be the sole purpose for you living or even being happy. You may have to stop all contact with him if he is going to toy with your feelings by telling you he loves you, while having an on-going A.
Protect yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
