Oh, bless your heart. Bear in mind that I was in an EA, and I was really down on my H. I did receive good advice. The best I could have gotten anyway, IMO. I never left the house, but in my heart.....I was a WAW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W & I started counseling a while back. I began to realize the counselor seemed to be trying to help me get through to the end, which pissed me off. I told him it was clear that this was not marriage counseling, but individual couseling and had I know it was individual counseling, I would never have started. That was the last time I went... October 2010. So around that time I noticed W stopped going too... Then in Dec she started going again. My guess is for herself trying to "get through". I know she was on Lorazepam, but she stopped taking it. I'm guessing she's experiencing anxiety due to lack of money issues.
I happen to have a good job, and although she makes less than me, she has a job with potential too. Just wanted to note, there are no money issues.
Ok... So I doubt she's going to counseling because she regrets her decision to leave our M or anything directly related to me. Individual counseling for her.
Knowing that this counselor seems to be geared more toward getting me the acceptance stage and help me transition to the end, does anyone think it is a good idea for me to go back. I will admit, I'm still very angry and resentful, though I come a long way in not displaying it to W.
Also Sandi... Yours is a rare case I think... Most WAWs I've read of don't even consider trying as u did. I just want to know why mine could be so harsh to me after giving my all to her. Being turned off like a switch and the attempts to remove me from her memory is so hurtful. I mean how can someone treat the father of their 4 kids, who is now raising them all without them, a man who loves them unconditionally, with such heartless acts. I'm left feeling she may have never loved me. Despite what W says, I was there alot for her, many times when noone was. I paid off the home and made us financially secure, listened to her compromised and swallowed my pride for her, appologized when she was wrong. I LOVED her! True Real Love. I can't believe I still do, I sometime wanna just slap myself silly.
So tell me why? How? From your experience, how can she shut me off so easily and seemingly forever... Like I never happened. Like I'm nobody and mean nothing to her.
You'll never find the "answer" to that question. It's how all WASs treat their LBS. Look at all the stories. We've all been where you are and searched for answers. The only person who can answer that is your W.
And let's be honest here. You weren't showing her "true" love before. In fact, you were pretty selfish in wanting your 4th child when you said she clearly didn't want to. Didn't you also cheat on her with your first W? I believe your rationale was that you wanted to see if there were any feelings left. Regardless of your rationale, you cheated plain and simple. It's just one of the many things that built up resentment in her and so when she found an OM, she left.
There's your 2x4.
True love is listening and understanding your partner when they need it the most. You as well as the rest of us, didn't do that. She found someone else who did.
You can't force her to think the way you do or act the way you want her to. So you keep saying you don't see it changing, she's not going to change, etc. So why are you still angry? I mean, you filed, so start living your own life so that you can start being happy.
You haven't detached, just built up more anger. The OM is just a part of the problem. If you've shown her anger, resentment, embarassment, etc. when you see her. Why would she want to come back? Right now as you are, can you give a reason why she would even consider rethinking M?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Unfortunately you are correct. I think there are many reasons to come back, but they were there before she left. I guess I just have to wait out the fog and work on my list of things that work for now.
There are still reasons even if you don't think they are there. If you were dating someone new, why would they be attracted to you? YOu have to think about it that way. Then take those traits and amplify them.
She may never come out of the "fog" so that is why working on your list is a good step.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I wish I could tell you an answer that would satisfy and keep your heart from hurting so badly. I did not get into the shape I was in over night. It took a long time. People get side blinded with life, and relationships begin to suffer. Usually, one person of the couple doesn't realize to what extent until the other one is through.
At one point, I even questioned if I ever had truly fallen in love with my H! That is how messed up the WAS can get. That is why the the rewriting of history can come about.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes... She has told me she is not sure she ever loved me, and Ive witnessed alot of rewritten history. How long did it take you to come out of the "fog"? How before you realized, you had rewritten history?
As time goes by, it gets harder to remember the time slots. Also, you have to understand that "I" was a WAW who came here for help. Not many do that, you know?
I remember talking to my H when we were reconciling, and I admitted I had questioned if I had ever truly been in love with him. But then somewhere during my choosing to R, I rememeber how after we were first M, I would hate to see him leave for work every day and I would pray that nothing happened to take him away from me. I remember once crying at night b/c I felt so much love and didn't know how to what to do. I had the same experience when my first child was born. Different kind of love,but both were over-whelming and it was rather scary for me.
So, even if she doesn't say it out loud,she will begin to have rational memories. It was this board that was my MC and helped speed the process for me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Back to not so much as hello with W. Why? Well as I have learned throughout this ordeal, she is up to no good. I got a call from my attorney saying W is struggling to get by. She would like me to pay for all of the health insurance (which is actually on $45 for her part), also she wants $540 for child support instead of the calculated rate of $435. In addition she wants a temporary maintenance of $750 per mo. I was like struggling?!?! Really... She only has the 3 older kids 5-10% of the time. I have them 75-80%. She has no real meal expenses, no laundry, maybe uses 1 diaper a day. On top of that, I keep seeing her in new boots, jackets, clothes... Oh and her constant FB posts about Magarita Night... Going our for a DD, who wants to join me? (whatever that means). I told my attorney it's her fault she got a 3-bedroom "HOLLYWOOD" type apartment, which costs a whopping $1200 per mo. ARE YOU KIDDING?! I guess she expects me to pay for another of her horrible choices. I've already heard all the stuff about her being rediculous, I get it... I just want the redicilousness to stop. Nevermind the fact that I chose to pay her to have the kids... She'd be friggin getting zip or paying me perhaps based on me doing the gross majority of the raising of ALL the kids.
My attorney said I could pay her some of the $540 if I wanted or wait until the hearing... Uh! I'll wait thank you. I also told her regarding the maintenance and other balogna, "Over my dead body" and I refuse to pay her anything when she has no child expenses now. I explained how W has been playing the victim and lying up a storm. I told her I was the real victim, as 4 kids carried on in the background. I said I'm not paying to support her new lifestyle.
