H talking D again.. after 3 mos. of piecing

[hbm]

Sad to say that things are not going well for me and my H. Its been 3 mos. since he came back home and just this week he started talking D again. He says he just doesn't feel "passion" for me anymore.

I don't understand it. He made the decision to come home and said he missed me and loved me. He had stopped talking to OW that he had EA with a few weeks prior to returning home. He realized he was not interested in her and missed me. For several weeks after coming home he was so affectionate. Bought me an expensive necklace for our 4 yr. anniversary along with a romantic card and 4 roses for 4 yrs. of marriage. He told me how happy he was to be home and that we were working through things.

We have been going to MC and have another appt. this week. He is not talking about moving out again and we are still in the same bed. However, last night he told me he was pretty certain he wanted a divorce and just wanted to get through the holidays. He had a business dinner at 7pm that I was suppose to go on, but I didn't end up going. He didn't really act like he cared whether I went or not and after hearing him talk D again I really didn't feel like being around him either and having to act like everything was fine at a business event. He didn't end up coming home until 8am this morning. I did not call, text and have not said anything to him this morning about him being gone all night. I believe he stayed with a male friend who was going to the business dinner with him too. I know he was drinking and up late because he's down stairs asleep on the couch still which isn't like him.

We had plans with both sides of our family next week and I am torn about what to do. It seems he wants to spend the holidays together so he doesn't have to deal with explaining anything to his family yet. I am not sure I want to spend the holidays with someone if they are thinking they want to divorce me after the first of the year.

I don't know how to handle this situation. Last time he said he wanted a divorce he moved out. This time he said he is not moving out. Do I move to the basement or stay in our marital bed?

Do I spend the holidays with him and just give it time and see what happens?

It has just been in the last few weeks that I have noticed a change in him. One thing I will also mention is that we own a business which is struggling right now. A few weeks ago our account got very low and he has been stressing about how to pay the bills, etc. I am not sure if this is playing a role in his feelings and attitude to me or what.

I would appreciate any advice!! How should I act in the house with him? Do I resort back to LRT? and if so, how do you do this when your living in the same house together?
_________________________
M-34, H-37, No Kids
Married 4yr, Together 6yr
Discovered EA 7/24/10
Separated 8/6/10
Filed 8/16/10
H Moved home and Piecing 9/20/10

[hbm]

I am not sure how much longer I can put myself through this pain. One week my H is saying he loves me and that I am the "one" for him and then a few weeks later he is wanting a D. It seems like he doesn't know what he wants.

I am so confused about what to do. I have not told my family about this yet because they are going to be so mad he is doing this to me again. They are going to want me to be DONE with him.

I feel like he is making a big mistake. His reasoning is that he just doesn't feel passion towards me anymore. I think he believes that the "honeymoon" feelings are suppose to last forever. I am afraid if we do divorce that within a couple mos he is going to realize he made a mistake and try and come back to me again. We don't have any kids so will have no reason to talk. Not to mention, I will move back to my hometown which is 3 hours away. After we got married, I moved for his job and will have no reason to stay here if we aren't together.

I don't know if I have the energy to go through all this again. This summer felt like a living nightmare. I had trouble sleeping, eating, working or doing anything. My stomach is in knots again. I am tired of letting someone treat me so poorly. I don't think I have the patience to let him figure things out again.

I mean how can I ever trust what he says. His words seem to mean nothing. How can you say you love someone and want to be together and then a month later say you feel nothing. I feel like even if he comes back around to me that I will be constantly worried and insecure about our marriage. Because at any moment he might have another change of heart about me.

Prior to leaving the first time, he had a lot of complaints about our marriage which were understandable. I recognized my part in our failed marriage and made changes. Since coming home I have continued the changes. It seems like at times I was the only one really trying and making an effort.

It would be great to get some advice from others out there. I am really struggling with my emotions right now and trying to figure out what to do.

Do I spend the holidays with him or go see my family on my own?
If he doesn't move down in the basement on his own tonight do I continuing sleeping in the same bed with him?

I noticed he has taken off his wedding ring today too.

[hbm]

H and I had a R talk tonight intiated by me. It seemed to go pk. I told him that I was concerned he was making a hasty decision and that with the stress of the business and such that he needs to give it time. I also told him that he can't expect to have feelings of intense passion for someone forever. We have been together 6 years so the honeymoon period is over. When he came home after being gone 6 weeks this summer we both had those butterfly feelings again, but eventually they went away. I figured that would happen and even the counselor told both of us we were in the honeymoon phase again and to enjoy it while it lasted.

Anyways H responded by saying he agreed with what I was saying and thats why he said a couple days ago he wanted to wait and get through the holidays. I agreed to spend the holidays with him as long as that meant he still had some hope for our marriage and was going to put his ring back on.

We opened Christmas gifts from each other that we each bought for each other weeks ago when things were fine. He thanked me several times for his gifts. We have been watching tv together most of the day and are both sitting on couch right now, but at opposite ends and I am on computer too.

He has been nice and friendly. Friday night we ate dinner together and rented a movie. He sat next to me on the couch part of the time, but didn't initiate any touch. Yesterday he helped me with the dishes. I will say when he moved out this summer he was mean, angry and did not want to be in the same room or house with me. Things are obviously not that bad again.

I am planning to try and just give him space and be upbeat and in good spirits. It is hard sometimes not to get angry when he withholds affection. My LL is physical touch so it kills me to get nothing from him.

I just hope I can be patient. I know the principles of DB have worked before so I need to stick with them. I just hope I have the strength to keep it up again. It wasn't easy.

[angel61]

I was just wondering if you could do something with a group that would make your H realize what marriage really is. I have heard good things about marriage enrichment programs, although some of them are religious in nature. One of them is called retrouvaille, and is conducted by people who also had troubled marraiges but who have been able to get past it. It is more about understanding what committment really is.

I am thinking of doing this myself as my H also seems to think that the same way. EA is over for him, but he says that he felt the "romance" during EA and that is something we don't have.

Good luck and I hope your holidays go well! I think you are doing the right thing by DB'ing, having patience and keeping the status quo.

[InAPickle]

Retrouvaille is not religious and non-demominational.
They have a marriage saving success rate in the 70% range.
I have heard a lot of good things about it.
If you can get your H there, it would be a positive step.

[hbm]

Thanks for the suggestion. I looked it up online. There is one a couple hours from us. I am going to share the info. with my H, but am not sure he will be willing or that it will help.

This morning we had a long heart to heart and he basically said he wants a divorce. He says he doesn't hate me and isn't angry about anything. He just doesn't feel the way he used to about me. Basically the same thing he said a couple days ago about there not being any passion. I remained calm throughout the talk and was not overly emotional, but I did cry a couple times. Once when we talked about separating our belongings and he said he was keeping one of our dogs.


We have two dogs that are like my children. It is going to be a big loss for me not having both the dogs with me. We surprisingly agreed with dividing most things.

At this point I am just accepting the reality of the D. I just can't keep going through this pain and I can't stay in a marriage where my needs are not being met and with someone that doesn't love me anymore. It hurts too much. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has no feelings for me anymore.

I do think he will end up regreting his decision once I am gone, but at that point I don't think I will look back.

[Queen_of_Swords]

One caution about Retrouvaille from personal experience.
If your spouse cannot talk the language of feelings, or cannot get in touch with what he is feeling beyond anger (usually it's buried quite deeply), he will find Retrouvailled extremely frustrating and Retrouvaille could be counterproductive in that case.

[dbmod]

hbm--
What you are experiencing is part of the normal Marriage Map, and it would be a shame if it goes to divorce. If it isn't what you want, don't accept that that is the path you are on. Stop with the talks that are headed that way.


How do those talks start? There are ways to stop them.

If you assumed that you are headed to riding this storm, how would you handle the holidays? I would imagine you would NOT be moving to the basement and you WOULD be going on with the holidays together. Just do that. If you have to for him, do it under the guise of making things easier for everyone else during the holidays.

Financial woes, job woes, other personal woes, unfortunately often dump on our our romantic relationships (marriages) and those with our children, whatever is closest to us. But it doesn't make that the real problem. You both are fairly young and your relationship is young. It's just a wave.

I hope you will develop your skills to ride it.

We're here to help.

You are NOT at this time in the LRT, but you are close. Do you have Divorce Remedy?

[InAPickle]

Look forward to life w/o him.
That's what you have to do to detach.
I am not saying that's the only future, b/c you could still grow old together. But you have to accept the other future as well for your own sake.

[hbm]

Yes, I agree what we are going through is part of normal marriage map. I have read and shared information about this with my H. He has very immature thinking when it comes to love. I wish he would see that this is just a stage and that we could get through it. We have so much in common and the same shared dreams and goals. It is sad he is walking away all because he doesn't feel the spark right now. He will end up regretting this later on. Last time he moved out he started missing me after 4 weeks. Does he not think that is going to happen again?!

He is sleeping in the basement now as I told him yesterday I was not going to be the one to move down there. If he wants D then he can go down there. He slept down there last night , but has not moved any of his personal items or clothing items down there.

I am not going to file for D, but if he does that is his choice. I am making plans to move on with my life without him in it. I don't want the D, but can't stop him if that is what he wants. This is the second time he has put me through this and I am tired of trying.

I have divorce remedy. Bought it over the summer when the original bomb was dropped. I have read it front to back several times.

At this point I am detaching. I am not going with him to his sister's for Christmas. I know if I go I will only be miserable. I am going instead to see my family by myself. That is where my support is and at this point I am making decisions that are best for me.

I know it probably sounds like I have given up and maybe I have. I am just tired of feeling the hurt and pain that he has caused me.