Separated for 11 weeks (long)...

[thatgirl007]

Well, it's been 11 weeks since my husband left me. We've been married for 12 years. I decided to post here for the advice, support and as a place to come where people have been there, can look at things from an outside perspective and where I won't be judged too harshly as I chronicle my path.

I read DB and am in the middle of DR.

The story goes...

My H has wanted me to lose weight since a few months into our marriage. We were 20 when we got married and I have never been a very small girl. Based on his needs, I decided to start dieting. This began a vicious cycle. Him acting angry, cold and distant - Me vowing to lose weight - Me going on a diet - Me failing at the diet - Me regaining whatever I lost + 5 pounds - Him acting angry, cold and distant...rinse and repeat.

I've been beating myself up about my weight for the past 11 years, going through different cycles of feeling ugly, feeling helpless, feeling like a failure, or feeling out of control. Every time my H has pulled away, the end result was a talk about my weight. I tried valiantly to lose, but I've never approached it sensibly without this anvil of judgment perched over my head and this sense of panic in my heart. For an emotional eater, this is just not the way to start a successful change in a lifetime of habits. All along the way, he has said that he felt that I betrayed him, tricked him into marriage and disrespected him because of my weight.

After 10 years of this back and forth struggle, he committed adultery and began an EA/PA with someone he met at work. This lasted for eight months before I found out. When I found out, after some foggy behavior, he ended things and went NC. But the caveat was, of course, that he wanted me to lose weight because physical attraction is the most important things for him.

So, I went on another diet, wholeheartedly and without hesitation. This time, I was successful at losing 25 pounds and keeping it off. But, I still have plenty to lose, he got frustrated with my stagnancy and I saw that he had been searching for apartments online and asked him if he was thinking of leaving me. He answered yes...and he left.

I should preface all of this with a few things:

1.) The OW was fat.
2.) My H and I have a great relationship/friendship. We get along really well. We laugh and joke and flirt and tease. We have always loved each other tremendously. So much so, that many times I would feel sucker-punched by his sudden withdrawal or mean/cold behavior.

On the day that he left, we both cried buckets of tears and waffled around before he actually packed some things up and left. We talked and talked and it all came down to my weight. He was just unable to live with me and be committed to me any longer. He said that after the devastation of the affair, he did not want to put me through anything like that again. And he wanted to be free.

After he left, he was done with me. He didn't call, didn't text, didn't pick up the phone when I called and avoided me at all costs. I spent two days in agony, crying and mourning the loss of my marriage before a fog of my own began to lift. I looked in the mirror and I no longer saw myself under this cloud of judgment. I began to feel that I am an attractive person. I am successful in my career, financially and emotionally secure, tremendously loving and charming. I called up my friends and started to really have lots of "girl-time". They all stepped up to the plate and my social calendar exploded. No one seemed to want me to spend a night alone unless I really wanted it.

Later than never, I began to 180. I decided that my life would simply have to go on without my H in it...and I decided that it would be a good life, too. Coming to terms with this notion was a huge step for me. I have fought tooth and nail for my marriage and never given a thought to ending it or leaving it or throwing in the towel.

I have always had a life of my own because my H withdrew into his own shell and I am far too social and loving to be in a cocoon. So, I just amped up my "me" time. I stopped calling my H and texting him. Two weeks after he left me, I was going to plays, hockey games, movies, out to dinner, etc. I took off my ring. I bought a new pair of winter boots (sexy!) and a few colorful scarves and just decided to be me and be happy - fat or thin.

The moment that male friends began to realize that H and I were separated, the date offers started. I work in a highly visual job and I've always had male attention, but I barely even noticed it. Two and half weeks after my H left, in one day, four men asked me out. Well, I began to realize, when all is said and done, there might be new love for me in my future. I opened myself up to that possibility, even if it would be a year or more into the future.

One day, out of the blue, my H called. He had been gone for 3 weeks, with a sporadic text checking up on me here and there. He was friendly and interested and wanted to talk. I decided early into the separation, that I could not hate my H. I have loved him since I was 18 and we've grown up together. Whatever his faults, we had 12 years together and I would not be his enemy. I felt that I would have to work through my feelings for him and at some point in the future, we might even be able to be friends.

We talked. The next day he called again. We talked. Then, he wanted me to meet him for dinner to talk. I did. We began to talk about what went wrong (the first time he was willing to really engage in the discussion). At this point, I had moved into a different place emotionally. I just felt that things were the way that they were and we should hold no ill will towards each other. I told him that it wasn't his fault and that we just weren't good together. I told him that I understood and I really wanted someone in my life who could love me and want me, regardless of my weight.

He began to insist that we were good together, that if he met me today, he would want to take me out, that he finds me sexy, attractive and beautiful. He said that he's got some issues of his own that he needs to work on (for the 1st time in 11 years!) And he asked me to give him time. Boy, was I reluctant. I told him that he was putting me through the ringer and that I wasn't sure of anything any more. I told him that he would not come home. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him about "us' anymore, that it was just too emotionally draining right now.

But, we began to date. It's been seven weeks and we've gone out more than we did in the previous 7 years. Movies, dinners, comedy shows, plays...all the things he never wanted to do before, he's game. If I'm playing cards with friends, he hops on board. And we talk. Well, he talks.

He has told me more about his issues and everything than he did in years. He tells me about his most fanciful dreams, about his insecurities and his fears. He even told me that when he left me, he thought that he would go on a wild orgy and pick up lots of girls and have a good old time, but since the day he left, all those urges have gone. He told me that he had the opportunity to be with another woman, but he had no desire. He's been very open. I just listen and don't judge or give advice. I tell him that I understand and let him know that he's completely free to choose whatever he wants out of life and that he does not have to choose me and that's okay. I continue to tell him that the man in my life has to want to be there.

And our sex life - woo boy. Now, we never really had much stagnancy in that area, but it's heated up even more. He calls several times a day, texts constantly (hundreds of texts), and flirts and teases all the time. It's been lovely.

And he even agreed to do the two things he would Never. Do, no matter how much I asked.

1.) Go for walks with me
and
2.) Come down to my job and take me to lunch!

I have slowly come around to the idea of continuing to fight for us. Now, I feel like I could actually give myself 100% back into the fight to save my marriage.

He has not brought up coming home and neither have I. I am enjoying living on my own, making the most of a bad situation. Neither of us ever lived alone prior to marriage and - like I said - we were very young when we tied the knot. I am enjoying the emotional resiliency I am building and learning to take care of things myself. It makes me feel strong. I like shifting the focus back to me and what I really want. I have even started regularly exercising and making some healthier options at home without any pressure. I feel good.

My family wants my H out of my life. They feel like I am the cream of the crop, an awesome catch and worthy of a better spouse. They want me to cut him off. Most of my friends have been understanding and have gone through enough in their own relationships to know that things can get dicey...a few feel that he is cruel and unworthy. Everyone has an opinion on what I should do next, boundaries that should be set, counseling that needs to take place, etc., etc. I am unsure of much. I just dusted off my DB and DR books and am re-reading everything.

I love my H. I want my marriage to be saved. I also want it to be better and I'm still unsure of where things will end up. Some days, I am super happy or content. Others, I am angry or saddened by everything. I'm hopeful that I can get some advice and encouragement here where divorce is not the ready answer on the tip of everyone's tongues.