Bob, Hi, I am sorry it took me a while to get back to you I have been trying to stay off line and get other things done that I have fallen behind on.
Yes I did not love my H for years before the EA, as a matter of fact I hated him. However my situation is quite exteme, I am sure you did not do the things to her that my h did to me. One thing though is so often when people are just neglected and not abused they still can fall out of love. My friend that had affairs, claimed she was miserable with her h for a long time all the same things that you and the majority of the gentlemen here are hearing. I recall my conversations with her though and yes she did talk to me about marital problems it wasnt until after the affairs that I heard her really complain of how awful he was. I think to a degree they feel guilty for their feelings they have for this other person so they validate or justify their feelings and actions with, well I didnt love my h anymore anyways and they start to only recall the bad times and not the good times. also think about how much time she spent talking to him with out having to deal with real life together so to speak. with you she had to live in reality of all challenges of life the good and the bad. with him she got to just talk and not face those daily real life problems etc. So when they talked they got to just talk about feelings and dreams and go deeper then the every day surface things. I think after couples have been together a while they start to get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life they dont slow down to have those deep meaning ful talks anymore that they used to when getting to know each other. I think then the anger for the spouse grows because they are getting this from the EA, and they unintentionally or intentionally compare them. Well the spouse dosnt have a chance because they are in reality with them, where as the EA is more in a fantasy world kind of because they get all the good with out the reality of daily trials.
Have you two read the Five Love Languages book by Dr Gary Chapman? I think there are so many answers in there for both of you in regards to the in love feelings etc. It explains in the book how when people feel loved by the other and their love banks are full they feel in love with that person. So often what happens is people dont know how the other feels loved and they try to make them feel loved the way they personally would feel loved and sometimes its to no avail being they may have a diferent primary love language. That book really helped my H and I in this area a lot and I think it would really help you with some understanding with whats going on with you two as well.
I know its hard but try not to take your W's words personally because I dont think she really understands her feelings completely and she is just trying to be honest with you and tell you how she feels but she is extremely confused and there are many other factors other then you affecting her feelings right now. this is why we all need to "detach" from the actions and words of the other person so much right now.
Hope this helps I will check in tomorrow morning Sue
