Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[awest1217]

I hope all is well, and nothing bad has happened. I am sure you are just busy, busy busy like me.

Wishing you well!

[Lucky11too]

Thanks for thinking about me! It has been a busy week. S got really sick and then got a bad ear infection and just dealing with that and still having to work full time. Plus I've been feeling pretty negative about the R with H, but here's some of the highlights from the week. S's 1st school performance was on Thursday. Earlier in the week, H finds out that is the night of his work's holiday party too and is all upset about that...I was just curious which he would chose - S's performance or the holiday party, and the sad thing is, I don't know. To me, the choice is easy, but with H, who knows. It turns out that was the day S woke up with the horrible ear infection (screamed for an hour until the tylenol kicked in), so obviously he wasn't going to his school program, so H didn't have to choose. I had dinner with H's parents that night and H called after we finished, and was all upset b/c he wanted to have dinner with me. (I was feeling him out b/c I thought that meant he was inviting me to his christmas party - which is important b/c he kept out of so much of his other work life, but he tells me he wanted to meet up before the party. Blah!) On saturday, S was feeling better, so I took him to a little community sports program. It made me really sad tho b/c it ended up being about nine 2 & 3 year olds boys there, but they all had their dads there or their dad & their mom (it's a parent and me class). It just like, why is H never here for S?! We've talked about it before how H "tries", but really all he does is come over 2 or 3 times a week for an hour or few and play with him. He's never been a "dad"! He's never taken him anywhere or spent time with him outside of the safety net of his mom or I there too. Granted, I'm scared to death for him to have him away from us due to his lack of parenting skills, but still, at least it would show that he's trying. Another thing that is distubing me, is that S is happy where he's at. When he's done from whatever he's doing, he asks to go home and see grandma and grandpa. The first thing every morning, he runs in to see grandma and grandpa. I can't even imagine what that is going to do to him if I moved back with H. He's happy, he's loved, and growing into such a wonder well mannered little boy, and I'm honestly beginning to see, that he wouldn't get that kind of environment with H. H doesn't get up to see S. H doesn't help S get ready. H doesn't feed S. H doesn't discipline him. Nothing! He just plays with him when it fits in with HIS schedule.

Ok, sorry, I'm obviuosly venting here, but I'm just so frustrated with H! It's bad, but it's coming to the point where I dislike him and really don't want to see him. I didn't see him all week and that was just fine with me. Last night was the family christmas party (on H's side), so I finally saw him there, but I was kind of like, blah. H told me how pretty I looked and that he missed me, blah blah blah. To add to my frustrations tho, S was running around full of energy like little boys do, and would H watch him? No, I was the one running around (in my dress!) after this crazy boy. I took S home to go to bed finally and H asked if he could come over too. I needed to talk to him about the hawaii trip, so i said yes (my parents want to take my sis and her H and me and S to Hawaii, but they said H is not invited unless we are back together or actively working on us (ie counseling)). I didn't want to to make the strained R with my parents and H any worse (in case we do work it out) nor did I want him to "work on us" temporarily just so he could come, so I just kind of talked around it about how I know he couldn't take off that much work and how my sis was going (my sis annoys him, which I don't get that). Anyways, he protested a little, but I just said, I was going to book my tickets, and he could always book his later if anything changes.

So I don't know what to do anymore. H finally has his follow up appt with the dr on the 22nd, and luckily he seemed to have gotten thru the "down stage", I'm still not seeing anything but a very selffish H and I don't think any drugs in the world can change that! Sorry, I know I'm being negative, but I'm just frustrated!

[awest1217]

I completely understand where you are. It was where I was probably about Feb of last year. I wanted to see H and have our marriage work, but at the same time, I was very content when H wouldn't talk to me. I would be upset for a day, but after that I would be very content and happy to not have to deal with it all.

A few things to remember, first is that you have to deal with H the rest of your life. It is probably right now that you get a break because if you ever did D, you would probably have to hear from him a lot more (at least that is the case with me) until the D is final. Second, don't worry about venting. Just keep doing what you feel is best. I feel for you and S because S is very close to your parents and your in-laws.

With Hawaii, just go. Don't tell H that if you are working it out that he gets to come. H has gone places without you and even not told you. You at least are telling him in advance and letting him know that S will be out of the state. If you tell H he could get to come, then like you said he may start therapy just to go. Take this time for you and S. A time to relax and regroup. Leave H out of it and he can join if he actually gets his act in gear.

I know a little harsh, but at some point you also have to stop holding H up. H is a big boy and you can be supportive without always feeling bad about taking care of you first.

[Lucky11too]

I don't even know what to say... I have a dr's appt today, so i asked H to pick up S from school today. No problem. Just got a call from H...he got a DUI last night and just got released. My heart dropped and I was speechless. He said he was out with some friends and was going to take a cab home, but then one of the girls with them was going to drive herself and she had obviously drank too much, so H drove her car for her...and then got pulled over by the cops and was just over the limit at .08, but over the limit is over the limit. He's all pissed b/c "he always gets screwed for trying to help someone". I don't even know what to say... but once again, i have the only one responsible for S. I just feel mad, angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, discouraged, hopeless...

[Lucky11too]

Been thinking about this a little more. It's almost becoming funny now (well, I guess in a non funny way). He apologized alot for not picking up S, but it doesn't change the fact that he let down S again! I hope this DUI can serve as a wake up call and he can learn from it. However, I think I am thinking too much of H. He's already called a lawyer friend to get him out of it, but I hope he has to go thru the whole thing - the fine, no license (they already kept his license, so now he's driving w/o one today), AA meeting, community service, etc. Haha, I can only imagine H doing commmunity service. It's exactly what he needs to get his ego back down to earth. But he needs to be responsible for his own actions. It's funny, I told him something that I should be telling myself (regarding the girl he drove home and how he got screwed for helping her). I told him that she was not his problem. She needed to be responsible for her own actions. If she wanted to go out and drink, she should have planned a way to get home (& not try to endanger others by trying to drive herself). He can't save others from themselves, and the same thing is true for me.

He's just such an angry person. He acts like the whole world is against him & he's the victim. He's angry about the circumstances he has to deal with (his stupid uncles impeding his success at work, me hurting him - yes, he even threw that in there, his R with his father, etc), but we all have difficult circumstances (does he think I like being a single mom?) and just have to learn to deal with it in a healthy way. He can't or is unable to do that. When I originally asked him "well, what happens now?" (regarding the DUI), he jumped to well i guess we D b/c it's going to be just like last time when I left him "b/c of the drunk in public" (which in reality was only the final straw). And how he can't stand my family, and doesnn't like church, so we better just D. I didn't really respond to that and just kind of changed the subject. I wasn't going to let him go down that road with me again. I think he just wanted a response out of me. So, I don't know. I don't know what to do with him (regarding our R). So much of me just wants to move on past him and all of his stupid drama. He's an unreliable father and self-fish husband. Why is it so hard for him to imagine just being happy being home with S and I. Why the need to always go out with his friends in the first place?

One more thing. I was already feeling really hurt yesterday (and yes, shed a few tears b/c it hurt my heart), but he had invited me over for lunch yesterday. During our lunch, I mentioned how my cousin was coming down next week and bringing her new fiancee. I told him to keep an open mind about him (he's pretty nerdy), b/c my cousin & I our super close and that R is important to me. H says, why should i care. My response is that he should care b/c she's important to me and I'm important to him. The response...a quiet, blank stare. I said, fine, well S is important to him, which he quickly agreed. He was trying to play it off like he was joking, but I don't know how much of that was the truth and hit hard. I just don't understand then - why even invite me to lunch if I'm "not important" to him.

Blah, so definitely not the way to get into the holiday spirit. Feeling pretty down... =/

[awest1217]

Do you think he goes out with you because you are the connection to S and because you "take care" of him? I hate hearing all of this for you. I am so sorry! Is it his first? If it isn't or he has a record of drinking, I am sure he will at least have to do mandatory AA.

I hope things go better. So so sorry.

[Lucky11too]

Blah, what a weekend! My computer at home got a virus and has been totally weirding out, so that it is completely unfunctional! =/ My dad has been trying to work on it, but that's why I haven't been able to post this weekend.

So, this is H's first DUI, so since it was so low (just at over-the-limit level), he may be able to get them to go easy on him or reduce the charges (but i hope he does have to "pay" for it as a good lesson to him). He's seeing on lawyer on Tuesday regarding this.

It's weird, i don't know exactly what his motives are. I don't think it's the S link b/c he often comes over after S goes down to bed, which means he is there for me and only me. Maybe it's that i "take care" of him and provide him support, but often seems like more than that - like the feelings are really there. He hadn't seen me or S all week, so b/c he had to work all weekend, he invited S and me over on Saturday night to his work. We went for a bit and it was fun for the 3 of us to have dinner (it was early before the night rush). He then asked for us or just me to come back on Sunday, but I declined b/c S and I have been sick and I didn't want to go out in the rain. H ended up getting out earlish for him (11:00), so he came over to visit me instead. So I don't know. For me, I just want to get thru the holidays and if he doesn't come to me with a decision (like he originally said he would make one by year end), then I'm going to go to him and start pushing for a resolution ("if you want to continue our R - MC, if not, we'll need to start making decisions towards the other road"). It's been long enough and i know I cannot go thru another whole year in limbo. It may still all take some time, but I want to start pushing this R in some sort of directions. The current R is really not fair to me. It's getting what I want accomplished, but it's time to move foward.

Also, H is having his follow up appt with the brain dr on Wednesday, so hopefully something positive comes out of that. H is falling into some of his depression ways again - sleeping all the time, so hopefully the dr can give him some direction.

Besides that, productive weekend. Did lots of baking of banana nut bread baking to bring to my co-workers and S's teachers, got most of my christmas presents wrapped and did some cleaning!

[awest1217]

Make sure you tread carefully. I agree that it is time for H to make a commitment in one direction or the other instead of flip flopping, but you need to be prepared for what the answer is going to be. Bringing up MC, is probably the best bet. You are awesome about talking to H and saying things well. Saying something like I would like to start MC with you to help continue in a positive direction will be good, but an ultimatum may not be. Have something ready in case he doesn't want to start MC. Make sure you ask him what he would like to do, but nonconfrontational. If he says yes, then great. If he says no, then be prepared to hear him out, to express you feelings, and to possibly move on without him. H seems to need a little bit of time to think things over so just make sure you don't do an ultimatum, but instead let him think about it and if he says no and means it, be prepared for what you want to do instead.

Of course this won't happen until after the new year, so for right now just enjoy the holidays!

[Lucky11too]

I'm back! I forgot to mention that my family was coming down for the holidays (super fun!) and I took the week off, but that also meant they took over our home office and I had zero access to the computer! It was so nice to be able to have that time with S and my extended family! =)

The holidays went ok. H was giving me a slightly hard time about being "too busy" to spend time with him, since I was spending time with my family (obviously). I invited him to hang out with my family as well, but he was being his normal H drama-king self, saying that he was having a hard week & only wanted to hang out with S and I, and didn't want to have to put up a happy front w/ my family. So too bad for him, but I was not going to give up my family time esp when I only see them once a year! He came over for Christmas eve so that he could be there when S woke up. I wasn't hesitant after the Thanksgiving incident, but i kept reminding him how important it was to actually BE with the family. He was fine during stockings, but then when it came time for breakfast, he said he didn't feel well (probably ate to much beef jerky from him stocking) and didn't even join us! I was like, "great, here we go again!" Then present time came and he rejoined us and was.... well, there. (better than last year & this year's thanksgiving when he joined in for 15 mins, then hid away & slept the rest of the time). After present time, he did hide away for a bit but rejoined again for Christmas dinner. I honestly think he was trying b/c it was important to me (although really, I wasn't really satisfied in his lack of trying to really spend time w/ my fam), b/c he completely shutdown when we got to his parent's house that night. He slept the whole time and missed everything!

The last few days, he's been wanting to see me & was annoyed that my family was still down, but I just feel like this is cause and effect of his actions. If he wanted to be married and living together still, no matter what family time was spent during the day, I would still be coming home to him every night. I'm really annoyed that he is being so selfish of me and my time. Sorry, but he has no claim on that! I'm just beginning to feel very aloof about him and our R. I feel like I just don't like him and the person he is. I feel very wary about what I'm trying to save in our M. It's just like I don't care anymore. I mean I'm definitely going to give him the chance to "save our M" and go to MC b/c I want to know I tried everything (in hopes, that maybe our R really is salvageable), but on the other hand, I don't know if I would be completely devastated if it went the opposite direction (well, I guess we'll see when the time comes how i react, since it is still a loss of sorts).

In other events, my family that came down included my closest best-est friend cousin. She just got engaged, so her fiancée came down as well. Exciting thing is that she asked me to be her maid of honor and we did a lot of dress shopping (we finally purchased her dress yesterday!) and wedding planning. It's been fun but sometimes it's hard not to be a marriage cynic with everything I’m going thru w/ H. She also asked S to be the ring bearer, so it should all be really cute!

So now, back to work today and lots of catching up, but luckily it’s a short week! Yay!

[awest1217]

It is important now to just do what you feel is right. H has to understand that your family is important to you and that he can't always have you all the time especially because you can't have him all the time. It is called compromise. H also has to learn to get along with your family again if he wants to be a part of your life and same with your family and him. It is going to be hard on everyone, but if it is going to work you all will have to work together.

I know your family sounds like mine and will be nice to H and do the best they can to work with him if that is waht you want so I am not downing them, but just understanding that it will be hard on them as well.

I am sure you are about to get swamped at work with tax season starting so I am wishing you well.

Happy New Year!