FMV, I'll approach this questiion as if I'm in a therapist's office who is asking me what I would like to see different in the M. I would like my W and I to work as financial partners. This means to sit down with a financial planner (we have one) and look at our net worth and make adjustments to savings, budget, debt reduction, retirement as-needed. I'm waiting for my W to find a better job, so we can approach this from a stronger position.
I would like more physical contact with my W. I'm nervous about sex, but think nonsexual contact needs to be restored. My W sits at a computer, while I sit on the couch. The only easy opportunity for contact, is when we sleep together. Maybe this is one of those areas where I'm protecting myself. It seems that initiating nonsexual contact in the bedroom is a next step.
I would like my W to take better care of herself, including smoking cessation. I can and do influence her to attend exercise classes. She has been more proactive this year, since we joined a fitness center closer to home. She drinks several beers most evenings, while she's in front of the computer. I think this is her way of calming herself. This is an area I have to be patient with, and let her make her own choices.
I want to socialize as a couple, and be known as a couple. This has increased this past year, and it's often enjoyable. This is an area that has been dormant for a long time, due to the problems over the years.
I want to develop a mutually satisfying dance partnership. I want my desires and hers to be expressed in the dance partnership. I want to work towards competitions 2-3X per year, because it helps to keep me focused and have a goal. I want to work on the more graceful dances such as Foxtrot, so I can go to any dance venue and be able to participate. I want us to take lessons and practice together on a regular basis.
I think these are the areas that are priority at this time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The only easy opportunity for contact, is when we sleep together.
Do you think so? I think maybe other men think the same way. But it so surprises me because I don't think it's how a lot of us women 'work'. I've often told my H how much it helps me feel more sexual towards him, when he touches me in little ways throughout each day; a long, intimate kiss in the morning (not one of those silly hurried pecks on the cheek before work); a stroke on the back of the neck; holding hands while walking somewhere... I think by waiting until you're in the bedroom, even if it's just nonsexual, is missing out on a lot of opportunities to rebuild the connection that leads to physical intimacy.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
I would like my W to take better care of herself, including smoking cessation.
So is this one of your needs of the M CL? I get where you're coming from, but this seems like a slippery slope. Her actions around this are out of your control. I fear if you keep trying to 'influence' her in this area she is going to start feeling inadequate and controlled.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I think by waiting until you're in the bedroom, even if it's just nonsexual, is missing out on a lot of opportunities to rebuild the connection that leads to physical intimacy.
Her actions around this are out of your control. I fear if you keep trying to 'influence' her in this area she is going to start feeling inadequate and controlled.
FMV, It sounds like I've been coasting for some time in the physical intimacy area. When that part of a R has been derailed it's hard to know when it's safe to resume. I need to start taking small steps towards nonsexual physical connection beyond the bedroom.
It's hard to know where the line is between influencing and controlling. I think I stay shy of the controlling line in terms of encouraging her to join me at our fitness center. I invite her to join me, push a little, and then back-off if it's clear she doesn't want to.
Last night we performed with our studio's formation team at a downtown convention and met afterwards for drinks. It gave us an opportunity to connect with fellow students of the studio, and for others to get to know us as a couple.
Tonight we're attempting another big hall ballroom dance. I'm insisting to my W that we stay at least two hours, and we can leave if she wants after that. In the past, I let her abruptly cut short the evening, because she was intimidated by it. I'll give her my attention, and will only dance with others, if she's with a partner. She'll probably pick at my technique rather than relax into the evening, I'll not let it influence my evening. Hopefully, it goes better this time around, as we both have a broader repertoire. She doesn't like to struggle in public, which is her issue. I can relax into mistakes better than she can. I'll try to remember all experiences are part of the process of exploration and developing a dance partnership.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
FMV, I think we're staying the course. My W was on good behavior at the big hall ballroom dance. I honored my commitment and left after two hours. We were able to dance together without much fussing. I consider this progress. She wasn't asked to dance much by other guys. I told our studio instructor that I would be willing to organize getting a table for our students at the next dance in March.
We're spending a lot of free time together these days--dance lessons, exercise, restaurants, dance venues. The connection has been restored. Maybe the ground is getting fertile for intimacy.
I had looked into refinancing our mortgage for 15 years several weeks ago. It would have raised our payment by too much for us. She came to me this week and offered to pay down the mortgage by $10K to make if possible for us to consider this.
We seem to like the same restaurants (good value and food versus fine dining, such as bars, delis, tea houses), the same dances (Cha Cha, Rumba, Salsa, and I'll add Foxtrot).
When she complains to me about her job with the restaurant owner who mismanages his finances, I ask her what her next step is. I won't rescue her, but will assist her. I used to look for job ads for her, but now won't take on her problems.
I think about what you said about protecting her. I understand the word protect more than I do enabling, though both mean the same thing. The word protect has been resonating with me ever since you pointed it out.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
FMV, I think about what you said about protecting her. I understand the word protect more than I do enabling, though both mean the same thing. The word protect has been resonating with me ever since you pointed it out.
(((CL))) Wish I could take credit for that one... it's one of the things I learned from reading 'The Dance of Anger', by Harriet Lerner.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I'm in the dog house today. Last night a hose broke in my car around 25 miles from home, on the way home from work. My W and I had committed to perform with our studio early in the evening. I didn't know what to do to keep the commitment. I didn't want to harm the car by driving it home. I tried to reach my W, who wasn't answering her phone. I called AAA and hoped for the best. The only other option was to leave the car stranded, and take a taxi home, and tend to the car later. The instructor told my W he would dance with her. I told my W to go on without me. She chose to stay home to tend to me. Today I'm being punished for that decision. I am disappointed that we missed being with our dance students. I don't think she realizes how disappointed I am, and how frustrated I was when the car had problems.
My W is threatening to quit her part-time job. I recommend job-hunting while she has the job. She's paid for 20 hours, but puts in more time than that. She wants to go to a job-hunting group one day per week, but has been missing that. I told her my concerns about her being at home with nothing to do, and not moving forward like she did this summer. She says that it's time to take care of herself. She says that she doesn't know how to job-hunt. I told her that possibly that that's her next step--to see how people she knows job-hunt these days and what resources they use. I would say her job-hunting procrastination is catching-up with her.
She's changed her mind about the refinancing. I'm fine with that. We can make extra payments at some point to shorten the life of the loan.
She threatened again to quit the dance competition, saying we can't afford it. I told her that it was far cheaper than her vacations, and one of few things I ask for. She didn't say a word at the lesson today. I paid for it myself. The lesson went well, and I must say we're starting to look pretty good. We were working more on arm styling today. I've also figured-out how to get her to practice. I bring dance shoes to our exercise classes, and remind her to practice for 1/2 hour after class. This works far better than getting her to practice at home.
My W and I are having a conflict about how to spend the holidays. My siblings are going to norhern Ohio to meet my parents. If I were to go, my W would be in town alone for part of the time. She has a sibling coming into town for part of the time. There's also the question about what to do with the cooking job, which pays great money. I told my mother that I was still making plans, and she told me she understood if I couldn't make it. I'll let this situation percolate, and see I my W and I can a compromise. I think she's right to complain that I made travel plans without consulting with her.
She sounds like she has bronchitis or a respiratory problem. I would say her smoking cessation procrastination is catching-up with her. I'll again ask her what her next step is, to help get out her mental paralysis.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My holiday travel plans are up in the air. It looks like I took the wrong day off. We had agreed (my W reluctantly so, as she tells me now) to cook on the day I return from my holiday. She now tells me she is unhappy with the arrangement, as it leaves her alone for too long, and prevents her from visiting her sibling.
I agree with my W that she we shouldn't skip a cooking week. We don't want to live a life of austerity. We both want to have disposable income to enjoy meals out, dance lessons, movies. My W wants vacations and a new car.
My W seems on the verge of leaving her part-time job. The quality of her job is poor. She's working for a restaurant that is in financial distress, and the owner continues to make decisions that keep the chaos going. My fear is that if my W quits, she will continue to procrastinate with job-hunting. We will also have to accept the financial consequences of her decision. I don't argue with her about quitting the job. I ask her what she will do with her time, if she quits.
Last year my W was working, so felt comfortable missing a cooking week. I think if I insisted on going, it would cause harm to the R, and it might derail the connection.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I think I am going to stay in town with my W for the holidays. It's harder for her to spend a weekend alone over Christmas than it is any other weekend, for various reasons. She would feel abandoned if I travelled out of town.
Financial pressure is higher this week. My car needed two new tires, and a hose broke in a hard to reach spot. I had to rent a car for work this week. I wrote a check for the dance competition, and my W secured a hotel room. Two dance competitions per year may be the limit. This is getting to be an expensive hobby. My W is upset about spending personal money for another dance lesson package. I wrote her an email trying to offer support for the next package, and she read something else into it, and has been accusing me of expecting her to pay for dance lessons. I wonder if my W and I should sit down with a financial professional to get some clarity and direction.
Her pattern over the past year has been to sign us up for trips and studio events without asking me. When her personal account is low, I hear about it and am blamed for expecting her to pay for things. I could have done without most of those trips.
She's threatening to quit her job this week. She's in blaming, complaining, nothing is right mode. I don't know what to do to help her. When I walked in the door last night, she jumped on me for hoarding pens in the basement.
Our dance practice went well after yoga class yesterday. Practice sessions after an exercise class seem to work the best. At home, she gets settled, and is surrounded by problems. I insist on 30 minutes, and we went well beyond that. Our Foxtrot is starting to come together. It's was an enjoyable time together where we worked as partners. It gives me hope that we can apply the same to other problems, besides dancing. Yesterday's practice sessions worked, because of my leadership in structuring the practice times, being prepared for practice, and having a vision of what I wanted to achieve.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
