Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

I've been here reading but not posting for awhile due to being too busy but I'll get back to posting this week. I have one issue that has come up that I want to vent about and it's not even H, strangely enough. It's my family.

They mean really well. But they are putting a lot of pressure on me during the holidays and I wondered if you are all getting this pressure. Since I don't have kids, I can kind of "skip" Christmas, so to speak. I decorated my house "for the holidays" but I just sort of feel like not paying attention to Christmas.

My family is really all over me about being with them Christmas day. My H and I didn't spend that many Christmas Days with my family. Often we went on vacation and saw them a different day over the holidays. 1/4 of the time we would end up driving up the night of the 25th as a surprise. But for 23 years, I have seen them over the holidays and it has been with him next to me.

It's not that I don't want to see them all, but I do not want to see ALL OF THEM, for the "big" get together, alone. I just don't. I'd rather go a different day and just drive to my sister's, see her, stay at my parents, etc. More like it's just a normal time of year and I'm up alone for a visit, which I did do in the past without him.

I have tried very hard to explain that they are good-intentioned but they are making me feel worse. I said "look, for 23 years if I have seen all of you over the holidays, it has been with him there. If I walk into that situation, you are forcing me to feel his loss a hundred fold. If I stay home on Christmas day, I will act like it is ANY OTHER DAY. I'll get up, exercise, make breakfast, play with my cats, straighten the house, do some reading, watch a movie, maybe even do work for school in a few weeks, be productive. This is what I want/need. I just want to SKIP the holidays this one year."

And they just keep saying "we don't mean to put pressure on you" but they ARE. They are now saying "look we'll pay for your cat sitter to come an extra day so it won't cost you more to come visit" and "we'll get lots of wine so you can relax" and "you won't have to lift a finger, there'll be lots of food." It's like they aren't hearing me.

They saw me have a monumental breakdown 6 months ago and I've done a lot to heal myself, and yes, they helped. But I know that what they're asking is going to trigger a lot of sadness and depression in me. I am stressed and anxious just thinking about it. I did the Thanksgiving thing with them and that was tough (again 23 years of T-giving with him and/or him and them, and suddenly, just me with them). It is so soon to do this all again. I feel like they think that family being around me will help right now, because any day the divorce decree is coming in the mail, our 19th wedding anniversary would have been tomorrow, and the holidays are here, but the reality is that I just want to BOW OUT of these things and go into my coccoon at home where I've learned to cope alone VERY well, and they are pulling me into situations I want to ignore for this year.