GAL with waw. Stuck bad.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I feel there isn't much I can do to fix M with a waw. I have faith in what I am doing for myself, but all I can do is have hope and faith for my M, and now I have to let go of that also?

Maintain your faith that everything will work out. The M is not your focus right now.

Something has been on my mind lately. I feel like she is going to take a step in a bad direction after x-mas. If and when the time comes when she shows up with papers or wants to make some sort of move, what is my best way to react? I don't want to backslide if this happens. I know if I just tell her I understand it is what she needs to do, it is just going to progress until its over. She will let it go because it is the easy way for her when she has no fight left in her.

Hab,
really? you absolutely sure about that? The best way to influence someone is to talk about what THEY want and HOW they can obtain it.

Do not argue w/ her about. It will solidify her decision if you do so.
It's about what you want in a healthy M.


Be calm and collective. So her you have the strength to handle difficult situations.

gr8

[habitacker]

You are right. I have to remember this is another one of those things where my instincts are the opposite of what I should do.

I really don't want to agree with her though. I don't want it to appear that I am ready to move on with D also. I need to think about how I am going to show her I understand how she feels, but at the same time, she needs to know where I stand. I want to be prepared for this moment so it doesn't escalate into something worse than it already is.

I believe this will be the next step she takes. It may be the only R talk I get. So I want to take something as negative as this, and try to make it as positive as possible.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

hab,

I have been where you're at. I understand you concern about letting her go will mean you are OK with D.

In essence that is true. No matter the outcome you will survive.
Remember to make changes for you, not to impress her. She will know the difference and call you out on it. This will demoralize you efforts.

something from my past.
For the first 6-8 months I chased and made chqanges to "get my W back".

I was afraid of Single life and being a single dad. I feared D.

My W wanted to get a post-marital agreement(PMA) in place so everything would be divided up if/when she decided to file.
That hung over me for months. She took her time on all her decisions. My fear grew each day waiting for that email from her to say we need to meet for the PMA.

It wasn't until I started to live my live for me that I was in control of my actions. I had decisions and a say too.
I was rthe one who contacted her for the meeting. I decided I needed to face my fears head on. I decided that I need better in life.
I asked her if she wanted a D she said yes. Then I asked her if she thought is was the best thing for us, again another yes. I agreed. That was in May this year. We finally met with the mediator to draw up the contract.
I was calm, cool and collective in the meeting. She broke down and started to cry.
A few weeks later she called to reach out for me and I didn't accept her that day. I knew she wasn't ready to commit. It took another month of emails to get where I'm at now.
We are now "dating" I am much stronger aqnd know what I want and need in a R. I have and will continue to set my boundaries in regards to how I expect to be treated.

Sorry to ramble.So

I really don't want to agree with her though. I don't want it to appear that I am ready to move on with D also. I need to think about how I am going to show her I understand how she feels, but at the same time, she needs to know where I stand. I want to be prepared for this moment so it doesn't escalate into something worse than it already is.

You don't have to agree with her. You need to accept her decision and understand her.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

I forgot to mention. It was until I detached and moved on with my life did my W start to notice me. She even she: you tried for 6 months then you just stopped.
Funny how the WAW notices that but not all the dancing and screaming we do to win them back.

[habitacker]

gr8 day 2b alive, thank you for posting that. It helps a lot. Not only your advice, but it is nice to hear progress from someone. It is nice to see some assurance that this can work.

I have been at this for 3 months now, and I am starting to beat the looking over my shoulder thing. The changes are for me, but I have to admit I still try to impress her. Not nearly as bad as the first couple months though. This last month it has come more natural,and I am not trying so hard. Actually enjoying who I am now.

She seems to be in better spirits also. Today she had all her friends from work and kids come to the house and spent the day making x-mas cookies and stuff. In 20 years things like this never happened. A couple of days ago I was telling her about these cookie type bars that my mom always made, and that I hadn't had them in years. I described them to her. Anyway, I came home today after this baking get together, and I see a pan of these bars. I said, Hey, these are the bars I was talking about. She said, yea, I know, that's why I made them. Ok. Things like this get me confused, but I'll take it.

My point is, she never went out or had friends before. She seems to be GAL. I hope this is good?

[sandi2]

I forgot to mention. It was until I detached and moved on with my life did my W start to notice me. She even she: you tried for 6 months then you just stopped.
Funny how the WAW notices that but not all the dancing and screaming we do to win them back.

Good advice!!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

hab,

How did you feel when you saw she made to bars for you?
I know the answer.

She listen to you, and performed an act of kindness.
That's what happens in a healthy R.

True giving makes a R work.

Now your job is to listen to what she's not telling you.
eg.
W: Hey hab, they Smiths down the street went on a cruise last month.

Typical male response: That's nice.


She didn't bring it up to state a fact, she inderectly is telling you she wants to go on a trip.

Things are good right now but she will test your resolve.
It's how you respond to her when things are smooth is how she'll judge the R.

Know how you want you want to be treated and do not allow her to cross that boundary.

Keep reading plenty of sitchs. there plenty to learn.
gr8

[habitacker]

Thanks. I think I understand what you are saying, but when you talk about my boundary and testing my resolve, are you saying this as things to come? Things she is going to do?

I have never thought about my boundaries much. I guess I feel like I would have to just take what she wants to dish out. But, I bet this feeling is wrong just like most of the feelings I have had. I am sure you are going to tell me to stand firm at some point.

[habitacker]

Why does it seem like there are so many of us that are going through similar situations are around 40 years old?

[sandi2]

Why do people think DBing is laying down and letting the other person just dish out whatever they want?

[habitacker]

I don't really think I would lay down. I think maybe I was refering to smaller things. Like how some days she does things that may be a little mean and uncaring. Things that are out of character for her because of what she is going through. I let stuff like this slide. I know it isn't the real her. It is scary seeing this in someone who never had it before.
When she seems to be in these moods I try to just leave her alone, rather than say something.
When I say I would have to take what she dishes out, I am thinking about stuff she might, or could possibly do. Like if she turned into a completely different person and decided to go out partying, or and A, or any action that I would not find appropriate to who I married.

I would have to take it because I couldn't stop her, but I wouldn't have to except it. I would hope I wouldn't lay down in this situation. I would rather lay down the law, but that is my law,or the law of our marriage. If that means nothing to her anymore, my thoughts on that sitch probably are not going to mean much, and maybe even push her to do it even more.

I hope I will never have deal with this, but I would like to be prepared.

o.k. sandi. Set me straight.