Am I piecing? Just can't tell...

[sandi2]

No offense sandi but the WAW thinking is seriously messed up. Not even close to sane. The idea of constantly hurting one who loves you is beyond me.

by "no offense", do you disagree with me, or are you saying that b/c I was a WAW?

[Harrier]

I don't know your whole story, but I think I read something where you were a WAW at some point. That's why the "no offense." I don't know how someone might take what I said.
Considering I've never been a WAS, I was just speculating.

I don't disagree with what you said. I know that you have to focus on the baby steps. But it's just hard sometimes to hear some of the stuff come out of W's mouth that sounds really, really nutty. It's even worse for me because my W is the one that really pursued me in the beginning of our relationship.

I do disagree a little bit with the DB approach about issues you have to bring up. My IC has encouraged me to stand up for myself a bit when I feel something is amiss. He said keeping the anger is part of my issues. Great example. The other night my W and I were talking bout our first MC session and my W said "We can just meet there." I assumed we were going to go together because it would be a waste of gas to drive separately and I wanted to talk about things before and after if need be. Before she went to bed, I went into our room and said. "I'm kinda upset about the decision to ride separately to the MC. I then said, "I see your point about not wanting to ride together in case something gets stirred up in MC, but I just wanted to let you know that I would prefer to go together. But I we can just meet there if it's important to you."
She then hemmed and hawed saying that maybe we could. By the next morning she said to me as we were going in our cars to work. "I think it will be okay to ride together.' She then later texted me with a time to pick her up from work.
Fast forward to the discussion last night. She said that when I talked to her about riding together, she said that was a good thing that I talked to her about it and she appreciated it."

I get the feeling under true DBing, even that would be frowned upon, but I think that was an important step in our relationship. I now am going to bring up transient issues that bug me not long-standing ones.

BTW even in spite of our heavy discussion, I was still have to have a good time with her and the kids so far. Lots of joking. I'm still bummed though.

[Sad_but_happy]

OK, so I need to be talked off the ledge a bit...

Today we had MC and W said things were better and she is committed to our M but that we need to go slow. All that is fine and I understand...

Here is why I am annoyed;

She stated, that "she is afraid that the attraction will not come back"... Now I understand that this is how a WAS feels but do they realize the damage a statement like that causes? How it kills an ego? Soooo stupid!

Now all I want to do is go out and find another woman that will find me attractive/desirable... Fulfill the emotional void SHE is holding back from ME! This is the danger that a WAS needs to be aware of. There is only so many blows to the stomach a LBS can take before it's too late!

I don't think I will but man oh man do I want to!

Any advice?

[Denver_2010]

Hang in there. I have read your thread multiple times and keep up with it. I find your efforts motivating for me as I am very early in the process and would absolutely love to be where you are. Don't give up!

[Harrier]

Does MWD address SBH issue about the damage a WAS can do with their negative statements about the LBS? I know the drill is to not believe anything they say but in reality the WAW believes what they say at the time. And words have impact even if they are "lies."

As for you sbh, I think anyone would tell you the following
1. Women are emotional
2. Women's attraction are tied to emotions.
3. So if she isn't back with her emotions the right now she is not attracted to you.
4. She probably is/was attracted to the OM.
5. If you keep on meeting her emotional needs the attraction will come back.
6. Obviously don't let yourself go physically
7. Many of the normal response aren't attractive - pouting, being mopey, being needy, etc.

Just a few thoughts. I know its tough. For me its hard because the OM in my wife's EA was fatter, older, uglier than I. Plus he had grey hair and my W was very sexually attracted to him. It's a tough pill to swallow.
Makes my angry and wanting to do something stupid to "show her."

[Sad_but_happy]

Good point about emotion and attraction harrier... Doesn't hurt any less but makes sense...

Now my wife asks me to wax her... Yes wax... I have for some time...

If I don't do it I look weak, and if I do it I suffer knowing I can't have her... I think it's rude of her to ask but I have to do it.

I can't say "no" because of our progress but I REALLY DON'T WANT TOO"...

WAS are so dumb or maybe it's just my W... It seems to be business as ususl when she wants something... So selfish!

[Harrier]

I dont think telling her no makes you look weak. Just be honest about why you dont think its a good idea.

[Sad_but_happy]

All done... Not as bad as I thought...

I think I'm going to come on a little stronger since she commited to the marriage.

I think I need to cort her so she sees that I want to win her heart... Not overdo it but definitely pick up the romance just a bit...

I mean if I can was her most intimate of parts surly I can send her flowers...

Thoughts?

[Deep]

SBH, the obvious and sensible answer is - don't do it. It being going off and picking up someone for an ego boost.

It sounds stupid to you, but it's part and parcel of the WAS behaviour. Actually, it's not a bad thing IMHO when a WAS says stuff like that, it's honesty from them in a way. And other things aside, I think you should have known by now that if you want the marriage, if you want reconciliation, you can't cake-eat yourself and pander to your ego. I'm not saying you should not keep your self-respect, far from it, but there's a huge difference between self-respect and ego-boosting.

And yes, I speak from personal experience. My W was skeptical if she could ever feel for me "that" way again, if we could ever connect again, and that turned from skepticism to acceptance, and resignation. As in, she accepted I could never make her feel like her soulmate OM did and that she would, in the worst case, sacrifice her happiness for our kids. Try that for an ego boost .

And yep, I had my own "special friend" after that (who Sandi rightfully called me out on). Not that _I_ could have seen it in that light in my own fog. Did my ego a world of good, but nothing else. It got rather messy in the end. Wasn't right for her, me or the marriage.

We're in a much stronger place now. The "feeling" did come back, more than ever. It took a LONG time, way past the point where I learnt to let it go and not obssess over it. My W cannot bear to think back to those bad old days much, she certainly cannot recognise who she was then. Couldn't have seen this back then, and even here and now, we're taking things one step at a time, working through ups and downs as they come, and never taking anything for granted.

Best of luck.

[sandi2]

She is being honest and open about her feelings in MC. If she wasn't, then you would be saying, "Why can't she just tell me what she feels?" Wives have a tendency to hold back things that they know their H's won't like. How many posts have I read from LBH's who cry that their WAW never told them how she felt? Well, your is expressing her fear that her in-love feelings may not return. This is true for every WAW. Yours is not unique!

So, you think you will apply the pressure? Or, since she hurt your fragile male ego, you'll just go find some chick that will stroke it? That'll really make things better!

Let her see your little boy reaction to what she said in MC and you won't get her back there. Yeah, rejection hurts. But remember what you asked me? H's want to forget their side of the responsibility of the breakdown in the M and blame EVERYTHING on the W b/c she had an EA. I bet she experienced some type of rejection at some point along the way.

You're the man here. Don't react out of a bruised ego.