ic is going well. i went into ic to look for a solution or coping strategy for my anger. for months now, i vent whenever i have a private moment. in my car, in my apartment, even in my sleep. i would vent.
i learned that my venting was due to years of allowing my h to cross my boundaries. when you allow someone to cross your boundaries, you essentially say .. you don't matter but the other person does. eventually, this eroded my self-esteem .. which leads to the suicidal tendencies because i'm not worthy.
now that i have a better understanding of why i vent, i'm less stressed. less angry .. and even the venting has lessened to a degree. i am aware when i do vent and i listen to what i'm saying. what am i complaining about today? and it brings me back to the times when i let him cross my boundaries without consequences.
many times, i would ask myself .. do i want to start a fight over this? i would say no because it's such a small issue. but little did i know, that there were a lot of small issues that i let go. by letting things go, i allowed my stbxh to cross my boundary.
my venting is just my way of saying .. hey, i matter. but i'm frustrated because he isn't there to hear me say that i matter.
my stbxh also doesn't believe i matter because he has stated quite clearly that he deserves everything from our house and i deserve nothing. mainly due to his belief that he paid for everything and i paid for nothing. in other words, even he felt i didn't matter.
it hurts because i let my actions speak for themselves. i don't ask for praise or recognition. i let my work speak for itself. and for years, my work went unrecognized. it still isn't being recognized.
i won't be posting here as often .. i want to heal and prepare myself for being served.
i am moving forward on my own. i have done a list of things for myself this year that i never would have had the opportunity to do if i wasn't free from my marriage.
i tried to rediscover who i was pre-marriage and i think i'm a better version of the pre-marriage me. i'm wiser. i've experienced different things .. learned new skills .. and read more books. i think i'm better than i was before marriage.
