XH is off his pedestal and I'm moving forward

[glamgirl]

Wow GAG, you go girl. Mila is right though, it took many many many months something like 6+ before my h just started to peek out of the tunnel.

I sent him nice e-mails no response. I cooked him his favorite meals maybe a thank you. I made his favorite desserts barely noticed. I picked him up things at the store hardly noticed. I had to keep asking God to just give me a sign that I should hang in there. God was so great and when I was at my lowest he would show me some sign to keep going and going and going.

Also, even when my h was flirty, we were having sex, going out on dates he STILL wasn't coming home. He didn't come home until I was finally done with the relationship, BUT I think that the foundation was laid for him to return by all the above and he didn't want our M end. Just my thoughts though!

[goodattitudegirl]

Sorry I haven't had a chance to post on others' threads for a bit. Busy week and took my car in tonight to have major work done tomorrow.

Sanderika, Mila, Missher, and CW,

Thank you VERY much for your feedback! I haven't flirted this overtly with XH since August and September of 2009, before the D, so he couldn't help but notice. He didn't seem put off by it though.

XH did not seem annoyed at my question about BMF (the whole convo took about 1 minute) but I did sense that XH's R with BMF may not be well. Call it a woman's intuition...........I also asked XH about another close, long-time male friend who lives in Florida (we had socialized with FL friend and his wife during our R). XH said FL friend has kidney failure, is on dialysis, and is on a transplant list........so lots of life-changing illness in XH's world right now. I asked XH to say "Hi" to FL friend for me.

I would schedule a TT game for as soon as you can with XH after the 25th and tell XH as soon as possible about it. Afterall he suggested another game... This is a great connection you two have, nurture it.

I think I will see if XH wants to do this. During the fall it felt like XH was cake-eating --- limiting our R to TT while he had his other needs met through GF#2 and others. XH is a good friend to others, but in my heart of hearts I don't think I want to be only friends with XH. I have been reading your discussion of this on Cas' thread with great interest.......What you wrote prompted me to think about how much my R with XH has changed in the last year, since the D. Our R has changed a LOT! We have become much more relaxed around one another and enjoy one another's company again.

Mila, thanks for reminding me of glamgirl's words. I find her perspective interesting, since her H has returned.

Missher............A GREAT BIG welcome to you! THANKS for stopping by! You are always WELCOME! Hope you're enjoying your new job and extracurricular activities.

Translation......I would like to be nude in the hot tub with you.

REEEEEEEEEEEALLY???????? Wow! I didn't pick up on that,..... but now that you mention it, XH doesn't talk dirty like some people who make these kinds of references in everyday conversation. XH doesn't do that, so I guess it WAS significant.........I will definitely keep in mind your suggestion about hot tubbing after TT...........You're right. I have nothing to lose at this point.

LOVE your male POV! Missher, you should write a male translator.......seriously, you could fund an early retirement with this stuff.

CW, thanks for the encouragement to keep flirting. I have nothing to lose at this point.

GAG

[goodattitudegirl]

Glamgirl,

Thanks for posting to me! I have read many of your posts. I don't have time now to fully respond to your post to me, but may I quickly ask "Has H told you what he was thinking during this time?"

I'm also curious about when the 6+ month period that you referred to occurred? It appears from your signature that it was almost 4 years after the bomb before H came home.

Thanks!

GAG

[seeking answers]

Hey GAG,

Good job with the flirting! LOL

I get where Glamgirl is coming from. Through her consistency in the way she treated her H he finally realized that if she was really done with the R what he would be missing. Sometimes we really don't seem to know what we have until it's gone.

I say go for it. As you say what do you have to lose? Your XH may go quiet as he tries to process his feelings. At some point he may also realize he wouldn't want to lose you from his life forever.

Tell him when you set up the next TT session that you were sore after the last time and you wondered if you could come and soak in the hot tub afterward. What the heck, it's worth a shot.

Just remember not to take anything personally, it's going to take time for him to process it all.

YOU GO GIRL!!!

[hope for zen]

Happy birthday SA! Like the cake on your sig.




Glam & SA,

Like your perspective on sticking to the positives even though it can take so long to see any results.




GAG,

I love reading your posts. Especially all the flirty bits. Its a real good to hear you are doing so good.

I have been considering starting to flirt with H again. I had some good results with it, some bad. Being dark/dim is working well for me right now though too.

Wonder if it is possible to flirt and be dark at the same time?

Hmmm...

Good luck with your next TT match! Hopefully there is a hot tup in your future too.

[goodattitudegirl]

Thanks Ggirl, Seeking, and HopeZ!!!!!!!!

Ggirl, thank you SO much for sharing your insights here! It really helps to hear the nuts and bolts of how this played out for someone who has made it to piecing. I have been doing thoughtful things for XH since I began DB'ing over 2 years ago, so hopefully he will notice if/when I feel the need to pull back (walk away) myself.

God was so great and when I was at my lowest he would show me some sign to keep going and going and going.

Thank you for writing this! It is good to be reminded of this. It DOES seem as though it takes an incredibly LONG time for them to marinate!

Also, even when my h was flirty, we were having sex, going out on dates he STILL wasn't coming home. He didn't come home until I was finally done with the relationship, BUT I think that the foundation was laid for him to return by all the above and he didn't want our M end.

I have wondered this myself. Thank you for confirming that it CAN happen this way.

Your XH may go quiet as he tries to process his feelings.

Seeking, well..........it looks like I didn't scare XH away with my flirting on Wednesday evening. I kinda let it all hang out and thought XH might pull back.........but inspired by everyone's feedback here, yesterday I emailed XH to say that I'd found a place we could play TT next week (our regular place is closed next week) and he accepted, so we're playing TT on monday evening! We emailed back and forth a bit.............and he even said he may be able to play the following week, even though after our last TT game he acted as though he couldn't play the week of New Years...........so it sounds as though I haven't scared him away with my flirting.

Today I bought a black and white fine plaid fedora hat with bits of teal in the pattern and a nice teal knit scarf to go with my black woolen trench coat. I have grey eyes so whenever I wear blue, my eyes look really blue..........XH always said I looked good in fedoras........so I will wear this when I see XH on monday. I decided that wearing a fedora would give me an excuse to play with my hair (homo sapiens' mating signal) in front of XH while I'm taking it off and putting it on.

HopeZ, welcome to my thread! I have to ask......are you British? Just asking because of your word choice ("flirty bits"). When I read that I immediately had a vision of Hugh Grant saying those words.

Wonder if it is possible to flirt and be dark at the same time?

HopeZ, I'll bet that you could flirt while being "dim", rather than "dark". Maybe choose to use suggestive words in an innocent way in your texts and e-mails. Just a thought.

For example, yesterday I e-mailed XH "I think silver-tongued Mr. GAG could talk them into letting us roll the (TT) table into that room......" and I changed the font color for the word "silver" to silver font and bolded it, thereby drawing attention to that word and the word "tongue" that followed it.

At the end of the e-mail I attached a photo I had taken of XH at our last TT game (he was wearing a long woolen coat with street shoes and bare legs) and wrote: "I LOVE this photo of you! The blurred hands and coat make it look as though you just flashed the Daisies. ;-)" In this case, "The Daisies" is a club for young girls and is a reference to an inside joke that XH and I shared.

GAG

[courageous wife]

Hi GAG!

Glad xH was not scared away!!!

[glamgirl]

GAG my memory is a bit fogged but this is what I remember.

"Has H told you what he was thinking during this time?"

My h said he was in a fog and really confused and doesn't really remember much from the time he was away. He said he was a selfish person and that he has to live with his decisions the rest of his life. He also said that he didn't completely walk away from me, because he wanted to see if I changed and if he could possibly make our M work.

I'm also curious about when the 6+ month period that you referred to occurred? It appears from your signature that it was almost 4 years after the bomb before H came home.

My h was gone 3 years and 9 months, but who was counting. Ha Ha!The first 12 months he was so angry. I did all the begging pleading etc. to come home. Tried going dark, dim, everything. Nothing would bring him home. He even filed a restraining order against me and it was later dropped.

After a year that he was gone I tried the kindness route. Now it took about 6 months of this kindness treatment before my h warmed up to the idea of MC.

We started MC in 1/08. Now again he began that not because he wanted to reconcile, but to be able to communicate with me about the kids. It was during this time we got closer and closer. Now he always came over to visit the kids and never took them to his place. I had no idea where he lived and with whom. H also started AD's towards the end of the year on advice from MC.

2009 was our building year. We spent more and more time together. H Celebrated all holidays together. Went on date nights/days. Started a business together. H came over about 5 days a week. Lots of showers, sex, dinners and just plain having fun.

2010 h was coming over 6-7 days a week. I announced that 2010 was the year of New Beginnings for me and it was. Moved from our home, lost my job, and h came home. Yeah for New Beginnings!

I also started to feel different towards my h in 2010. I wanted a husband not some guy that pretended to be my husband but didn't live with me and the kids. I decided my life was going in a different direction.

I let h know my plans. I was moving forward without him. I was praying for my h regularly and for him to come home throughout this crisis. God told me to stop praying for him to come home, but to pray for his salvation and to cast out demons from him.

I consider myself to have a strong relationship with God and did what I felt the Lord was leading me to do. Well, h walked in the door 30 days later and I think because we had a good relationship already it was easier to pick up from there rather than this akwardness of not being together for years.

This was not an easy path for me. I was NOT good at biting my tongue and I did speak out many many times how what my h was doing was wrong. Every time h went scurring back into the tunnel. It didn't help for his return. In fact I am sure it delayed it for a long time. I just wanted my h to know he was wrong. Well, sometimes we just need to think differently.

I do believe that me treating my h with kindness helped. Now he didn't exactly run home, but it did path the way for him to eventually come home. I tried to think in terms of how would God want me to treat my wayward spouse and not how I really wanted to treat him. Even if my h never returned, I wanted to remember that I gave it my all in the M and took the high road despite all the pain my h imposed upon me.

God is great! H and I are attending church every Sat. This is the first time in 10 years that my h has stepped foot into a church. I am excited that through all of this the Lord was there for me and that now my h has a desire to know the Lord. Each month of rebuilding gets better and better.

[Mila]

Sorry for the hijack GAG...just wanted to thank Glam for sharing her story. Glam you are an inspiration, that was a long and hard road for you and your H....so happy for you both . Hoping that more of us will be able to arrive to the place you are at....

[Sanderika]

Hello Glam,

Thank you very much for posting your story. It is a true inspiration for those of us involved in a long term separation with a husband still inside the MLC tunnel.

Hi GAG,

Yeah!!!!! for your booked TT game tomorrow night. I am sooo excited for you!!!!!

Your flirting has caught his attention...he is interested to see what comes next. One thing I learned is that our H/XH's find intrigue in our new found fun, flirty, sexy actions....

Even though they are intrigued they will continue to proceed with caution. This is where positive, consistent behavior will slowly convince him your new flirty GAG is who he likes and wants to spend more time with.

I would continue to flirt to see where I could take this. This is a part of us they yearn for and had, in most cases, thought we were incapable of being again. It's like bringing back the girl they feel in love with. IMO, with time this will go a long way to bring back their loving feelings.

Sooo.....you told us about the fedora and scarf that will make your eyes a lovely blue, oh and the black trench coat....

The real question is...........

Whatcha going to wear underneath

Sanderika