Am I piecing? Just can't tell...

[Sad_but_happy]

Thank you Sandi, your response was thoughtful, comforting and well thought out. I too believe that my W and I will survive this. There are great signs every day...

I just want to make other LBS's aware of the importance of NOT pressuring... Here is an example of it I got this morning...

I woke up this morning VERY ANGRY... Mostly angry b/c I wanted my W to do SOMETHING physical (grab my hand, rub my back, SOMETHING) while we were just waking up... She didn't of course. I got out of bed, and went into the family room to watch some ESPN

She came down and sat beside me and asked if she could make me some breakfast to which I said yes and thank you. I was STILL angry. Lack of physical touch is a killer. I wanted to say something to bait her into R talk. What came out is this:

"W, Are you happy?"

Her response, "Sure"

And then I WANTED to say, "then lets discuss our R and assess where we are." BUT, all I said was, "good".

And that ended the conversation. Both of us smiled at one another and we continued to sit together and watch ESPN...

When I play out in my head what COULD HAVE happened had I pursued R talk, I can imagine her becoming tense, and defensive, and moving distant... The opposite of what I want...

The conclusion:
When her girl friend came to pick her up to go shopping this morning I got my first kiss on the lips in 3 months... Another small step forward...

I doubt that would have happened had I continued with R talk... Her mood would have been completely different... So I am glad I was able to find the strength to fight the urge to talk about it...


The steps are slow but they DO work... I admit that I have been lucky... My journey has progressed faster then most and when I think of some of the sitches I read on this site it breaks my heart. Knowing the pain that you all are enduring...

Thanks to everyone that has helped me...

[Harrier]

Why do you keep getting mad at W for not responding or acting the way YOU want? You are still giving her way too much power over the situation and your emotions. You heard it multiple times you need to stop trying to control things. You cant. All you are doing is filling your "resentment" bucket. That is not healthy and will lead to further problems down the road. You need to only accept what she gives you because right now that is her way of communicating her feelings. Even if you fake the not being mad infront of her, it does no good until you actually let her control herself.
Again read other peoples stories here. You are sooooo lucky but you cant even see it.
Look I know the frustration of feeling like she is rejecting you. God do I know. But she chose you not the OM. She is giving in small ways. Stop getting mad for what she is not doing. That will come in time.
A word of warning SBH if you do not address this it will come back to bite you. In fact the only reason Im at this point with my W is that like you I had a lot of anger for what my W didnt do. It came out in unproductive ways. You maybe keeping it together now (as I did for months) but you are fighting a losing battle.

Good luck and I would bring this up with your IC ASAP.

[Coach]

Make some goals. Your actions are based on you goals.

Goal - I would like my wife to hold my hand.

What do you need to do to make this happen?


Stop expecting your wife to mind read you. If something is bothering you then it is you responsiblity to bring it up.

Cheers

[Sad_but_happy]

Harrier, well isn't that a kick in the rear end! Ok, you're right... I am mind reading. I am resentful and need to understand W more. I'll work on it. Thanks for helping me avoid the mistakes you made.

Coach, that makes sense to me. I will again change my thinking.

Oops wife is coming, gotta go!

[Harrier]

SBH

If it makes you feel any better I just got my own kick in the rear end myself...from W. So I stupidly decide to bring up tonight the issue of sleeping in separate beds.

Dumb, dumb, dumb. We had a great day today. Every interaction was positive, we went out to dinner (have done that in a while)

Anywho before my wife goes to bed I ask her if she has 5 min. I just wanted to let her know that I was still upset about sleeping in separate beds and wanted some clarification from her. (now before the DBers bust my chops about R talk, I was acting on the advice of my IC, who has been very helpful)
What I really want to know basically is how she felt about it because at our MC session the other day she seem to indicate that she was basically liking it and getting used to it.

So this turned into a 1/2 discussion of what a POS I am and was to her (I disagree to some extent). Her basically saying that the ONLY reason we are still together is because of the kids and she feels some sense of commitment to the idea of marriage. I'm not really a reason at this point. She also said that she hopes to get to a point of having a "real" marriage, but for now she's not counting on it and just wants us to get to a point where we are at least friends.
WTF? I mean I thought we were that at least. But I guess not. She also went onto say that she can't even imagine sleeping in the same bed with me and sex is so far out there (I have to agree with her on the sex thing as I don't know if I'm ready either)
She she spent most of the time kicking the c out of me.

I've told her that a marriage in name only is not the kind of marriage I want and not what is good for the kids. Basically she gave me a choice - work on things with the hope (5% chance) that things can improve to have a real marriage or divorce. I felt like what choice do I have? It's hard because I love her a lot and I'm a more forgiving person than she is, but I feel like SBH does at times that I"m doing a lot of the work (never mind that I don't get to spoon, or kiss or hug my wife)
But I'm not waiting years for the slight hope that she will someday feel love toward me. I feel really stuck now.

Part of me is like you expect me to be friends with someone who basically is indifferent towards me and does't really care if I live or die. Not my idea of a friend.

The good thing about a divorce is that there is an end point. Something you can point to and say I have a goal to reach that with my sanity and kids intact. What I am now in is indefinite limbo. Which is worse that divorce.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to try to work on things with her because I think she will come back a lot faster than she thinks and also I think she does have some hope. But darn it, why can't she just tell me she loves me and everything is going to workout if we both put in the effort.

Aaaaaaggggghhhhh!

[sandi2]

But I'm not waiting years for the slight hope that she will someday feel love toward me. I feel really stuck now.

This is a crucial part for the LBH. He wants his old W back 100% into the M. She can't at this point. His frustration rises and he starts thinking D would be better than this. It's not.

When you have a good evening out with your W, count that as another baby-step toward the goal. Don't push for more. If she's ready to move back into the bedroom with you, she'll let you know. Accept the good times and stop ruining it by bringing up something you don't like in the R. This will hold her off and there will be more distance between you.

I know with me, I was leery about even smiling at my H b/c he thought that was a signal for him to grab me and throw me down and make love right there. My thinking was, "No way buddy,not yet". So, it prevented me from showing him a happier side for a while,b/c I didn't want him to read that as everything was fine, I was fixed, and I was ready for sex. Every woman may not be that way,but that was me.

[Sad_but_happy]

Harier,
I know how you feel... Months ago I was told, "we are not a couple", "I'm not sure I ever loved you", I CAN BE affectionate to others, not to you".

These things cut deep. And to be honest, I feel she will need to say sorry for the hurtfuk words.

She was looking at townhouses and not talking to me ay all. She was a real B****!

I'm not sure why I am where I am as far as progress but I will tall you that even now I question what she wants do to what she said.

But you need to fight your anger to see past today.

If you knew everything would be fine two years from now you would continue.

It's the unknown that scares you! This is where faith and hope come in... You are strong enought the work through this. A WAS can feel regret at any time. And you want to be there when they do.

[Harrier]

No offense sandi but the WAW thinking is seriously messed up. Not even close to sane. The idea of constantly hurting one who loves you is beyond me.

It really sickening you. "logic". Remember that line is Pet Semetary…"sometimes dead is better." well sometimes divorce is better.

[Sad_but_happy]

Harrier... That's why it's called "the fog"... There does not have to be OM to be in the fog. The think the "grass is greener"... Which we all know it usually isn't. So their thinking IS messed up. Especially when there is plenty of beautiful women lying in wait for a good man.

I agree that D is be an option based on circumstance. And we all have our breaking point. You will come to your breaking point and when you do, acting "as if" is no longer be an act. Thats the danger and risk a WAS takes each day they stay in their hurtful fog...

And usually at thay point control shifts...

As I have said in the past... "the person that cares the least has the most control."

Hang in there Harrier... For as long as you can. For as long as it's healthy.

[Harrier]

Sbh. For the record I wasn't talking about a specific situation like yours or mine. But I wonder about the effect on self esteem. Do the WAW's know or care about the risk? I doubt it. This is where I have a big issue with the DB procesd. Yes you can "save" a marriage but at what cost?

I too am like you. I think I'm in the best shape of my life. I am a great dad. I don't drink, do drugs, am not physically or verbally abusive. I have a good job. Good sense of humor. Am giving and loving. But the only person I want that to matter to is on a differ level right now.