Last night I had family come in for S's ballgame. It was great to have them at the game. My FIL also sat in our "old" seats. H was alone up in the corner of the opposite side.
Anyway, game ends and we are waiting for S. Usually I wait in the gym / H waits in the hall. Tonight FIL comes in to talk to me and D. H comes in and is friendly to my family. All are polite except my sister who just looks at him. H moves away to wait for S and is talking to some of the other players families. A bit awkward - but all in all very civil. I have no eye contact or interaction with H. Another parent, one I'm not very close to, comes up to me and hugs me and says "you have never looked better." I tear up and say "thank you so much." She says "I've been where you are but I never looked this good." Very, very kind.
I feel as if I am trying to bring some closure to some things as we end the year. For me, it's not about letting go of the rope. Every now and then I find myself holding on to a thread - but overall I have dropped the rope. Right now I am trying to put words in place to define the situation. I always beat myself up or lack confidence in my perception of things. Re-reading some things I see it is part of codependency - taking on responsibility for all problems, failures, etc. I have a great resource book that's called "Deceived - Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets". I have more dog-eared and highlighted pages in this book than any other.
At the center of this story is the fact that I married a man who I called my hero. I felt HE saved me from a life of chaos and crisis. As a college athlete I saw him as disciplined, righteous, good. I wanted to be saved - but I also wanted to work to make him proud and happy. I had no personal goals except to be a great mother, wife and never be a burden. I found out that you can't let being a wife take second place to being a mother. I made that mistake but then took steps to change that. I will make sure my kids know this before getting married. I found out that you can forgive things that you would have never thought you could - that the vow/commitment of marriage requires a level of faith that is not for the weak at heart.
Now I am trying to bring closure to my understanding of who he is. He is a man who has lost his way. He is lost from faith and God. He has engaged in sick, perverted, sexual encounters with strangers. He has engaged in compulsive self stimulation during phone sex with strangers. He was investigated at work and almost lost his job because of his trysts. If his employer were to look at phone records they would find hours of phone time on sex chat lines. He spent a few months "owning" his ill behaviors. During this time he tried to become a "better" person (father, husband, employer). He then found recovery too challenging - in his mind, because he wasn't happy with me. If I was the "one" then his recovery would have been easy to accomplish. He relapses and finally he has walked out on his wife and son. He hops from place to place for living arrangements. Within a month he meets a bartender. He says that "he didn't expect to fall so fast." He now sees that she MUST be the "one" if he is not engaging in his "old" behaviors. He can't understand why everyone is not as happy for him as he is - it's because of me. Because I am not handling his decision well enough - because I don't want to be friends with him. I have been almost totally dark from him since July 30th. I only see him at S's games and I keep my distance. I have only phoned him once because he was making S upset with unreasonable demands. I have let him go - physically. I am still working on the emotional. I have provided all requested information for the D.
Now who am I - right now, today. I am a flawed, kind, funny, strong woman. I have been exposed to some heinous circumstances - some VERY sick behaviors - but I have not succumbed to the dirt. I have been compassionate, sympathetic, forgiving, concerned for my H. I have been trying to live a clean life and create a clean, safe place for my S to finish high school and my Ds to come home to. I have been trying to be a more focused employee - making up for the months (maybe even years) of distraction due to my marital illness. I have turned to my faith instead of away. I finally reached out to a core support group who I trust and who know the truth. I have remained faithful in my marriage. I have been financially independent during this time. I have at times fallen into despair in front of family and friends. I have made myself physically ill by these events. I have overindulged my kids, myself with food (and wine) sometimes. I have joined a gym and regularly take pilates and have met some lovely people. I have recognized the blessings that I have in my life and that I have ignored over the last few years as I clung to save my marriage.
I am trying to be ready for 2011 to be a year of healing for me. Any suggestions?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
