If it makes you feel any better I just got my own kick in the rear end myself...from W. So I stupidly decide to bring up tonight the issue of sleeping in separate beds.
Dumb, dumb, dumb. We had a great day today. Every interaction was positive, we went out to dinner (have done that in a while)
Anywho before my wife goes to bed I ask her if she has 5 min. I just wanted to let her know that I was still upset about sleeping in separate beds and wanted some clarification from her. (now before the DBers bust my chops about R talk, I was acting on the advice of my IC, who has been very helpful) What I really want to know basically is how she felt about it because at our MC session the other day she seem to indicate that she was basically liking it and getting used to it.
So this turned into a 1/2 discussion of what a POS I am and was to her (I disagree to some extent). Her basically saying that the ONLY reason we are still together is because of the kids and she feels some sense of commitment to the idea of marriage. I'm not really a reason at this point. She also said that she hopes to get to a point of having a "real" marriage, but for now she's not counting on it and just wants us to get to a point where we are at least friends. WTF? I mean I thought we were that at least. But I guess not. She also went onto say that she can't even imagine sleeping in the same bed with me and sex is so far out there (I have to agree with her on the sex thing as I don't know if I'm ready either) She she spent most of the time kicking the c out of me.
I've told her that a marriage in name only is not the kind of marriage I want and not what is good for the kids. Basically she gave me a choice - work on things with the hope (5% chance) that things can improve to have a real marriage or divorce. I felt like what choice do I have? It's hard because I love her a lot and I'm a more forgiving person than she is, but I feel like SBH does at times that I"m doing a lot of the work (never mind that I don't get to spoon, or kiss or hug my wife) But I'm not waiting years for the slight hope that she will someday feel love toward me. I feel really stuck now.
Part of me is like you expect me to be friends with someone who basically is indifferent towards me and does't really care if I live or die. Not my idea of a friend.
The good thing about a divorce is that there is an end point. Something you can point to and say I have a goal to reach that with my sanity and kids intact. What I am now in is indefinite limbo. Which is worse that divorce.
Don't get me wrong, I'm going to try to work on things with her because I think she will come back a lot faster than she thinks and also I think she does have some hope. But darn it, why can't she just tell me she loves me and everything is going to workout if we both put in the effort.
Aaaaaaggggghhhhh!
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
