Positively moving forward

[awest1217]

Oh I forgot to put in here that my street is done so I was able to park in my fixed garage yesterday. It was awesome because this morning I didn't have to sweep off my car. Now my street is done, the garage and car are fixed and a bridge that was closed for a year (that I took all the time) is also done. All that is left is for H to sign the property agreement and I will be ecstatic. Now I am just really happy and relieved. I will just be glad when I won't have to pay L bills anymore and go back to saving!

[Lucky11too]

Way to go! I know sometimes it's hard for us nice girls to stand up for ourselves b/c we don't want to be "mean", but sometimes you just have to say it how it is. Who knows what he does with his money, but it's definitely ridiculous!

I think this weekend is still going to be tough, even though you've come such a long way emotionally regarding H. It's sad but true what you said about his anniversary "present" this year. Just enjoy the weekend you have planned - it sounds like you are definitely going to be busy! And then two weeks off for you to relax! Yay! =)

Glad everything else is going so well - the car, the garage. Things are moving in the right direction!

[awest1217]

This morning I got a revelation that really proved to me how far I have come. I don't care anymore about the "truth". I don't care to know exactly when H and OW started their A. I don't care about what all actually happened. It doesn't matter anymore. A month ago I was still caught up with all of that information, but now it doesn't matter. It feels really freeing. I think this is why I am able to have a different outlook and am ready for a new R (nothing major, but ready to look) because the past is the past and I don't care to dwell on all the little details.

NOw don't get me wrong, I understand that I will still have emotional times and still have my down days, but I really feel this is a major turning point. I don't think tomorrow will be as hard as because I have had many "anniversaries" like my dad's death or my grandpa's, but I am not always sad on that day. It is whenever something reminds me of them that I get sad. I think it will be the same with tomorrow. I am feeling good right now, but who knows what may happen tomorrow to make me sad. I do know I was always looking forward to this anniversary because I knew it landed on a Friday where H and I could actually go out of town on our anniversary for an extended vacation because it is the last day of school for break, but oh well. Ce La Vie!

H has been texting me everyday to check in on S. We will see how long this lasts. I think he is just doing it because I said how he isn't involved enough to have joint legal custody. It will probably last a week or even a month, but once the D is over it will be the end of that. I did let H know that S has been mouthy...terrible 3's...and probably pressing his boundaries again. I have had S is time out or spanked him more in the past week than I have in the past month. I am know he is just retesting his boundaries, but I will stand firm. It helps that my step-dad says how patient and great I am with S, and that my MIL when she e-mailed me back said that I am doing a great job raising S. It is great to know that she notices that I am the one raising him.

I also let H know that S has been asking about why people stay married a lot lately. It is always random like when we are on the way home from somewhere. I feel bad because I think S is starting to realize that many of his friends parents are always together and he doesn't get to have that. S is still very happy, but he does ask occasionally so I want to make sure H is aware.

Two more days of work. Today is our Christmas carry-in and tomorrow is testing all day. I know I am mean, but it is the best way to keep the kids calm, but still be productive. Plus then they don't have any homework over break.

[awest1217]

I can't sleep. Since Wednesday, I can't sleep past 6 am. I wake up at 4 and can get a little more restless sleep with strange dreams, but once 6 am comes...I am wide awake. I don't know if I am nervous about the children's program since I am in charge, anxious about seeing H on this important weekend, or so upset about it all and I am so much holding it in that i don't realize it. I will see what happens Sunday when this is all done.

My Christmas party was great last night! Tons of fun. and now I am on break and I can't sleep.

[mishka422]

Not that I advocate any kind of sleep aid, but in a case like this might I suggest Melatonin? It's herbal and very mild. I had that same problem for a while and that helped me stay asleep all night and wake at a normal hour.

If you are feeling too sleepy and tired then do something to help yourself.

[newmama]

Awest--YOU WERE NOT BEING MEAN to stand up for yourself! We have to remember that the reality is they deeply betrayed us and were the "bad guys" in this sitch. (I mean that in the sense that they made way worse and hurtful destructive decisions by having an A than we did by neglecting needs that could have been fixed if we were given the chance. I am not saying that waywards are evil people who can't change or whatever...)

So how did your anniversary day go? Were you able to handle it ok?

I know what you mean about simplifying the facts a bit... I have been able to stop going over and over what happened as well. But I think that has come with the closure of the D. Well, things do pop up (like my dreams this week but I will explain that in my thread). STILL, by and large, I am not rehashing it and analyzing it. Does it mean we are healing?

[awest1217]

I took a long nap today and the practice went well.

Mishka, I don't like taking anything because I have S everyday, but if I didn't get sleep for a long time. Hopefully now that everything is calming down I will be ok.

NM, I know that I wasn't exactly mean and I think it is all part of my healing because I am able to stand up for myself. I also agree that I have come to terms with that I did wrong, but no one deserves to be betrayed and left. I also do feel not continuing to analyze the A is healing. It is a long long time, but we are healing and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

As for the anniversary, I kept busy. I cried a little when I woke up, but otherwise I was ok and I had plenty of people checking in. After work, H got S and I went to church to set-up. Then a small dinner and watched some TV. Then S came home. H cried a bit when he heard S say his line. Then off to the Christmas party.

I had some sad memories like being at church decorating like I did 5 years ago. H is coming to the program tomorrow. It might be hard then, but I am doing ok just not focusing on it. I did get a cute new dress for tomorrow since I will be up front so I will be looking and feeling my best.

[lostandconfused6]

I am sure that anniversaries are so hard!!! I have only been through one so far and it was 1 week after d-day. At that point I thought that we would still make it, so I was hopeful.
As for the sleep, I totally understand. After d-day I went through about 2 months of this. I was given a sleep aid, but also didn't really like it b/c of son. I started taking fish oil and vitamin b-complex regularly during the day and after awhile I started to sleep better. I don't know if that actually helped or it was just coincidene. The best advice I can give though is try not to stress about it, b/c that makes it worse. And I learned when I was going through it that when your body gets to a point that you can't take it anymore you will fall asleep!

[Lucky11too]

How did the christmas program go??? I bet you looked great up there. It's got to be a good feeling to see what you helped accomplished with all the kids! =)

I'm glad to hear that you made it thru the anniversary ok. It's definitely not easy, but it's another step you've made it thru on your way towards your complete healing!

Melatonin is a great idea. It's not really even a sleep aid. It's a herb that is used for relaxing to help you sleep. My BIL who travels a ton takes is whenever he travels b/c you know how impossible it is to sleep elsewhere or with time changes, etc. I've tried it too, and never had any negative affects. It's not a sleep aid so you don't wake up drowsy and are able to hear S if he wakes up in the night. Something to keep in mind for the future in you ever need it.

Besides that, just keep taking care of yourself and enjoy your time off! =)

[awest1217]

The Christmas Program went really well. Saturday practice S wouldn't do anything and I was worried he wouldn't on Sunday either, but he did, and so did the other kids. It all went really well, and I have slept well ever since. I must have been nervous.

H came to just the program and left right after (it was part of our service) because he "had a migraine", when just the day before he says how he wants to have S overnight. Yeah, I am going to let you have S overnight when everytime I ask you to do anything extra you say "I have a migraine", or "I didn't have my phone", etc. H is going to have S overnight the 23rd into the 24th. I am not really liking it too much because H is still "living" at his parents. S doesn't have his own space there, and it isn't real. H has his parents to take care of S. Also his parents and he are very manipulative and I don't want S to get caught up in all of that. There is also some other stuff based on things that H has done in the past and I am sure he is still doing that I don't want S to be a part of. Now I am going to let S go. I am actually looking forward to having a night to myself, but I still don't want S spending the night every other weekend until H has his own place. Does this sound mean?

Part of it on the day H asked (on our anniversary weekend), I cried because I don't want H to take S from me. I have been S's sole caretaker for almost 2 years and it is hard to let go. I don't trust H with S. Because of Thanksgiving and other times, H isn't always there. What if OW calls H when S is spending the night (she is used to H only having S until 7) and she "needs" H? So far with the track record, H will choose OW. I don't want that for S. Also I don't want H to continue to lie to S. H spent our entire relationship lying to me, or so he thought, I actually knew about everything and tried to tell him I did, but he wouldn't ever admit so to him I didn't know. I know H is not living at his parents. Having S spend the night there and H saying that is where he lives is building their relationship on a lie as well. I know it is H's decision, but I don't want S to get hurt again. I also want S to have his own space. I understand that S is going to sleep with H even if he does have his own room, but at least S has that option. I don't want it to be that he automatically sleeps with H because as I continue to try to break him of sleeping with me, it will be hard to break if he is sleeping with H. Right now I am ok with it and I know that would happen, but thinking long term, I don't want this to become a habit until S understands that he does have his own space too, otherwise if H ever does say he has moved, S will have a double whammy; learning a new place without his grandparents and uncles, plus not sleeping with his dad because his dad will be with OW. I just don't like all that change. S is just now really getting used to everything and even starting to talk about stuff with me. He enjoys going to H's. I don't want to jeopardize everything. Maybe we can compromise after the D is final. If H is still living at his parents (H keeps saying he can't move because he doesn't have enough money...not my problem since he wasted about $12,400 over the past two years that he could have saved to put down on something or even had in savings to help pay for an apartment), maybe we could do spend the night once a month. I would like having the time, and S wouldn't get so shocked. I don't know. I am getting better about S spending the night, I just don't like all the lies and how H is only a dad when it suits him, like now that the D papers need to be signed, or now that he wants overnights, not a year ago when I wanted them to start or two years ago when I tried.

I am still really doing well. Christmas eve will be hard, but I have a ton of work to keep me busy that day. My SIL's family invited me to their house, but I don't know. I hate feeling like a third wheel so I am not sure.

S has been very funny. We have two new babies at church and he is at the stage where he wants a baby brother/sister. He loves on those babies all the time. Yesterday we went to the mall and I got my youngest nephew a mickey mouse and I told S he could get something. He got an alien from Toy Story. Since last night, he treats it like his baby. He calls it baby alien, wraps it up in his blanket, feeds him, etc. It is so cute! I tell him he is a good dad and he says no so I say he is a good big brother and he is happy. He gives me the alien and says he wants his mommy. It is too cute!