One last thing Sandi... This one weighs on my mind!
Do you STILL think of OM?
Do you feel you made a mistake by staying with H?
Do you miss OM?
I worry that my W may never really get over OM (even though it was only a 2-3 month relationship).
Do yuo really feel that you went to OM because of what you were missing in your R or because it was new and fun and exciting?
I sometimes wonder that even if I fill the void, there will still be a longing to explore...
I try to always be honest, and sometimes I may be painfully honest here on the board, but it is my way of trying to help....so here it is.
Do I still think of OM? Not unless something is said here on the board that makes me think of the way I was back then, or things he use to tell me,etc. I never think of him in a "longing" way....and that is the God's honest truth! I've never been sorry for ending the EA. Whenever I think about that time, it's almost like trying to remember a bad dream.
I went through hard grieving for the first 4 months, then it very slowly faded as each month passed. My mistake & the problem I had, was that I would go to bed alone, and lay there allowing my mind to wonder at night. I could stay busy during the daytime....but then when I was alone or let my mind drift......
I was coming here to the board for support, and I realized what I was doing. I was keeping the "fantasy" alive, even though I knew I would not pursue the A with OM. That seemed almost another battle within itself....to stop the fantasy. It had been my escape route, but not a good one. As long as I would allow myself to fantasize, then I was not going to feel true remorse and seek forgiveness; be able to even forgive myself(which turned out to be the hardest part); nor be able to have feelings for my H again.
I have never thought I made a mistake by staying with my H. I knew the whole EA/OM thing was wrong for me, but it did not make it any easier. Seems like it would, doesn't it? However, it is the personal hell the WAW has to face and deal with it. Believe me, I wanted to be back to normal as badly as my H did, but it just wasn't that easy.
Do I miss OM? No! But in the beginning of the break-off, I did. But, it wasn't necessarily "him", that I missed. It was the whole package of the EA. Another man could have been on the other side of my computer in his place. Does that make sense? B/c I was not in love with that man for himself. I loved how he was feeding my ego. I loved how he made me feel for a few minutes out of the day. I could forget reality and for awhile. Big difference in that and in loving the man himself.
It took time for me to figure all of that out. And, the fact I had so many years of resentment toward my H, made things take longer for me. It took me close to two years to start feeling "normal" again. Doesn't mean it will take your W that long. It doesn't mean the fog won't lift before then. Doesn't mean you can't be intimate before then. Everyone is different. My stitch was different with other problems. But it usually takes longer than a few months to get back to feeling normal again.
Yes, I do believe that I entered into a EA b/c of being so lonely and unhappy for many years. I needed my H to give me emotional intimacy and he didn't know how. I needed him to talk with me, and he didn't. I begged him to go to MC with me, and he wouldn't. The stress of so many serious problems (not related to our M) had taken its toll on us physically & emotionally until I felt dead inside. None of that excused my EA, but it helped put me in a vulnerable place. I believe if a H is fulfilling his W's emotional needs, then she will not be vulnerable if some OM tries to get her attention. The same applies for the W fulfilling her H.
Your W can recover. It will be hard and it will take more time than you want. Some think it's limbo. Some say thay had rather D than go through it. But I know the M can heal, she can feel love for you, and you can be happy again.
As long as both of you are willing to do whatever you can to fulfill your S, then I don't believe she will have a need or desire to "explore" with anyone else.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
