Welcome to divorcebusting.com--officially! I'm sorry that your wife has left and for the pain and anxiety this is causing you. As your posters have shown you, we care and will walk through this with you.
What we do here is help you brainstorm solutions to save your marriage.
Nas--I think it's probably really key for you look at this from your wife's side if you can.
If she were on the board, what would HER story be?
Before this last month, you describe the relationship as good but not great. What about when the relationship was great? What were things like?
There is nothing wrong with you staying home and raising the kids, many marriages work very well that way. What is more important is how the interactions between you. And what you describe briefly in the last month are obviously not the way things work well for the two of you.
When things were wonderful between you, how did you dress, how did you act towards her? What kinds of things did you do together? In the last year (before this last month)--what kinds of things did you do together?
Nas--I know you are anxious. The most important thing is to take care of yourself, and make yourself calm. Breathe in, as I think Edmond said, but breathe out longer--about twice as long (eg: Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 8 counts. About three times will calm you down fairly quickly. Then center yourself. ) That's short-term. Long term, you should see your doctor.
You are not alone, many of us have been there.
I want to reiterate: No. 1 is calming yourself, and childcare. No. 2 is work on the interactions between you and your wife. Do not let yourself pursue her, which means, do not initiate phone calls or emails/texts. Answer only every 2nd or third call of hers, and do not shoot an email reply until about 24 hours later. (Except for true emergencies/child care needs).
As your posters mentioned, you are in the LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE, which is all over the board, and especially described in Divorce Remedy. Read everything by Jamesjohn (former moderator he wrote of the LRT) and JackThreeBeans, and from a woman's perspective, check out sandi2.
I hope this helps. This is a season of miracles, I pray you get yours.
Well she wasnt very fond of the idea of me staying at home, she believed that a mans role was to work and provide for the family and i agree with her i just couldnt manage to do it. As for her problem, she didnt receive any freedom when she was younger or affection from her father so when she got with me i hadnt any idea how to run a successful relationship and as such she started pursuing other men for the attention that they would give her. Her infidelities caused me heartache and pain but i would always take her back, she eventually got a hold of herself about 4 years into our relationship and after that point had no incidents. I didnt receive any counseling for the fact that i didnt have any money nor the real drive to do so. As for when things were going good between us, i wouldnt pester her and she put forth real effort in our marriage (though she said she was merely trying and believeed that you shouldnt have to try to be happy that it should just be).
We would go out to dinner from time to time but not nearly enough, and we spent a lot of time together at home and when the kids went to sleep that was our time to spend with each other. Like i said it wasnt great but it was tenuosly enjoyable.
She also had a problem with me being irresponsible and not financially contributing to the raising of our daughters. When i did have a job i didint spend mymoney wisely. I also spent a fair amount fo time bemoaning what shape i had allowed myself to fall into as compared to my teenage years (a period of pride for me when i was 5'5 155 pounds and bench pressing 275 pounds). She wanted me to act about it and i simply couldnt find the drive (which i ironically have now that i have a goal of attaining my family back). And on top of that were my jealousy and controlling issues which stemmed from the fact that i had ultimately no control and self esteem problems realting to not having a job, being in poor shape, her past infidelities, and my own insecurities. And i believe another factor of what i did poorly was that while i may have forgiven her of what she did i never let her forget it by reguraly bringing up the past.
I would have to get a job and start bein responsible for myself and taking care to not spend frivalously. I would have to start contributing fairly to the financial aspect of my childrens upbringing, and start taking every oppurtunity i can to spend time with my kids. Then i would have to work on getting a grip of my issues by eliminating their root causes, by holding down a job; getting in decent shape; getting over what she has done to me; and regaining some semblance of self confidence.
I would have to get a job and start bein responsible for myself and taking care to not spend frivalously. I would have to start contributing fairly to the financial aspect of my childrens upbringing, and start taking every oppurtunity i can to spend time with my kids. Then i would have to work on getting a grip of my issues by eliminating their root causes, by holding down a job; getting in decent shape; getting over what she has done to me; and regaining some semblance of self confidence.
Sounds do-able to me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
well i am currently in the process of finding a job ( a near insurmountable task given the state of the enconomy and my poor work history). I have begun attending church regularly, due to depression i have already lost 16 pounds and am currently 15 pounds away from my target weight of 160. I am currently struggling to quit smoking black and mild cigars ( a habit i take up in times of great stress to cope) so i can start running and excercising with more success. Once i accomplish these goals i will have an easier time regaining my self confidence, and as for getting over her past . . . well im all but over that, if i were to get her back i would have no trouble leaving that behind. And as soon as i am more financially stable i willbe able to spend more time with my children because i will be able to feed and care for them while they with my ( i myself dont even eat every day seeing as how i have no way to pay for food).
Make a list.....quick.....of how to implement these changes. I pretty much guarantee that you are so on the "pushy/needy" end of the spectrum that if you were to take everyones advice and back off- she would go crazy wondering whats up with you. I was like you and once I got it through my head (probably all those 2x4's from here) I acted upon it and the difference in my H was night and day. He spent more time trying to figure out what was up with me that it made the ow mad.
You need to get control of yourself and your life, then sit back and watch what happens
what do you have to lose by trying it
post here everytime you want to contact her, post here what you want to say to her, post here your anger at her... you get the point. put it here and not towards her.
For your pride find employment or go back to school. Also, start hanging out and enjoying your kids.
trust us, we care
Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
I just read your last post. Please understand I say this out of love ok?
DO THINGS FOR YOU- DONT SAY "WHEN SHE COMES HOME THEN I WILL.... OR BE ABLE TO FORGIVE HER" do it now!!!!
put her away( I KNOW THIS IS HARD)focus on you
trust me!!!
it will hurt way more if you lose her for good, do these things while you have a chance. NO EXCUSES
Are you in the home with her? Are the kids with you?
Love, Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
