MLC or just an EA?

[MrBond]

NO CONTACT!

Once you open the door even slightly, you're showing him things are okay. Next thing you know, he'll ask if he can have coffee with her because that's what "friends" do. Then lunch. Then dinner.

STOP THE MADNESS NOW!

How's that?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The problem with boundaries is that unless you are firm with them, maintain them, You being able to live up to your end of them and not compromising them for your spouse, they aren't boundaries.

Just...suggestions.

[angel61]

Thanks guys!
I don't know why I am thinking that way. Almost like I am sympathizing with him. The Stockholm syndrome, reversed.

[angel61]

here's the rest of the story....

This AM he said he was going to use a free ticket to go to LA. He gave me his word that he was not going to go to the city in SoCal where OW is. He did not say though that he was not going to try to contact her, so for me that already was a red flag.

This then made me start thinking that since he was going to be there and might make a move to see OW, I might as well allow him to. Thats why I had all of the above questions. I am in the middle of work so had to make my questions brief.But everyone's response pointed out to that making me look like I could not hold on to my boundaries, so I held my tongue.

This afternoon, he calls me and said he is not going to push through. He sounded sort of relieved in a sense .... My guess is he tried to contact OW and she said no. True enough, when I checked our cellphone records, there were a couple of texts.I have a feeling now that he is on the road to accepting that OW does not want him, for some reason (maybe the tone of his voice? I have been very intutitive about his feelings n the past).

Now my dilemma is do I call him on this. Do I expose that I know he tried to break his NC promise? or do I just pretend I don't know anything and observe?

I am not freaked out, not even really hurt, as I know and accept that H is not really conscious or accepting of any feelings for me as of this moment.

[MrBond]

Ask him first if he broke NC. Tell him you want to just see if he can be honest with you. Don't tell him what you know. See what he says.

[angel61]

Mr. Bond,
That sounds like a plan. I will think of a way to approach that. It makes me afraid though. if he is dishonest, then I will lose that trust again. If he is, does that mean to say I have to give him a chance, and again, is it opening the door a crack.
Maybe it is something he needs to know to close the door on that chapter of his life....

Maybe I will wait a couple of days....observe his behavious over the weekend. In my experience, he usually comes clean after a few days, he can't be dishonest for long. He is a lousy liar, and even D11 calls him an open book with font 18 letters....

[MrBond]

Your H could be going through a MLC.

If he denies contacting her, then tell him that you know differently and are disappointed in him. That all you wanted was honesty to re-establish the trust that the two of you have together.

Then end the conversation. You let him know you are disappointed in him, but don't push the issue. Calm and cool. Let him think about how he disappointed YOU for a change and not the OW.

[angel61]

Mr. Bond,

I think he is going through MLC.

He has the classic signs and symptoms: Working out, buying expensive clothes, became health conscious, vain, always looking at himself in the mirror, happy when he gets compliments, feels frustrated about his achievements (he actually is very successful - he is a director in a biotech start-up, has publications, book chapters, etc.), feels we are in a financial bind(??) and blames me for it, saying its because he bought our house due to my desire for it (!) then of course his ego wanting and needing the adoration of a younger OW. He seems headed for depression. He has a family history of depression (mother) and also is the least liked by his family, as they never understood his stubborness and He is the most intelligent among his siblings.

He used to be such a family man, religious, straight-laced, and although always has had a tendency to be hedonistic in terms of food and wine. Its so sad to see someone like him going into MLC.

[MrBond]

My W was the same. When all this first started, she told me things like the wedding day was miserable, she was never happy a day in the marriage, etc. I looked through the wedding photos and the cards she wrote me during the M. Funny...she didn't seem miserable to me.

[BeingMe]

You have to know what you're going to do about the boundaries before you confront him.