MLC or just an EA?

[BeingMe]

From what I understand about DB ... pursuing is never a good thing. But, you can play it by ear. Don't be loving either. Friendly, yes. Not aloof, have a welcoming demeanour. Like, be happy when he arrives home, and ask about his day, etc. Then leave him to his own thoughts.

Patience is everything with this kind of sitch. I've been in it for more than 5 years.

[angel61]

Thanks Being Me. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.
What you said was what a friend at work told me too, who just recently had almost the same sitch as mine happen to her just 6 months before me.
She advised me to just go my way, same as ever, be happy.
One thing though I am unsure of.... how to do approach the possibility of MC? and also, I want to do retrouvaille.... is that perceived as pursuing? Should I wait until he is more receptive?

[angel61]

I wanted to share in my posts as well that I read Sandi's post about dropping the rope and realized that Ihave just dropped the rope, and feel good about it. For those not familiar with it, let me quote her:

Dropping the Rope

Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels buried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.

[Sad_but_happy]

Congrats on dropping the rope Angel.

The hard part from here is not picking it back up.

Keep up the great work!

We learn more and more everyday. About ourselves, about our S and about our life!

[sandi2]

YEA!!!

[angel61]

After dropping the rope:

My H only said to me "OK, thats the way it will be" after I told him what my boundaries were, and what our R would be with those boundaries.

Now I am doing a post-mortem of what I said and thinking of how I should maintain/go from here:
1. I said no trial S - guess thats easy, if he wants S its for good.
2. No OW, not even emotional, or else its D - I hope I will be strong enough to do that if the time comes I will have to make that call. OW though does not seem interested anymore.
3. I said we should work on our M - MC, retrouvaille . This is one thing I am not so sure if I said the right thing , as it touches on the R. Maybe its a bit too early? Will it push him away? Was I too demanding?

As of now, our relationship is cordial, but there is no warmth. Once in a while he will engage me in friendly conversation, but only for short stretches. We sleep in the same bed but he clings to the end of the mattress (again).I dont say ILY, but once in a while I try light, non-sexual touch, but he seems to be less receptive than he was before the rope drop (or actually, the OW NC was when this all changed). I just keep following what Being me said. Remind myself that patience is what I need.

He is warm and loving to D11, thank goodness, and to the dog. I sometimes feel like an outsider in my own home.

I am not a patient person, though, and have started already looking out for my options, in case I can't stand it. I have started interviewing for jobs outside of my locale....I have looked at housing elsewhere - am I being negative by doing this?

[InAPickle]

"am I being negative by doing this?"

I think you're preparing yourself for seperation.
It's part of letting go. My sitch is similar to yours, except my WAS is wanting D. In the end absence might be the next step for us. I fully expect A w/OM who is married will fizzle, unless W wants to fly to Dayton alot, 'cause he's cheap a pig (didn't even pay for her trip) cheating on his own W.

If your H wants out and you have stated your terms, it might be best to "open the cage" and kick him in the ass. Once he sees what he's "lost" it might jog him out of the MLC, you never know. At least his OW is uninterested.

My W unfortunately is still in fantasy land and OM is leading her on like a knight in shining armor. It will probably turn sour but I expect too late for me, the damage has been done. Today I was thinking she's "dead to me" and I really would not be fazed if her plane crashed. Now that's letting go !!

[angel61]

Hi Pickle,
This is the weekend she's going, huh. I remember that from your old posts. I'm sorry, it will be rough, I passed through this kind of thing and it is the most painful of all. I even got a $500 ticket from running a red light cause my eyes were full of tears that weekend.
Your W is in the early stages of the OP phase, In retrospect I think it was not good that the meeting was postponed. Its hard to get into the twisted minds of our spouses but it seems like an affair must be played out with its own time, before they would think of even going back to us. I think in my H's case, the A was cut short prematurely, so he is still living in this fantasy world where he thinks he can still try to pursue and attract OW. Thats why I put in my boundaries. So far he is respecting them, but lets see.
The damage has been done for both our sitches, but it doesn't mean that it can't be repaired. But I guess our instinct for self preservation will always come into play and strengthen our defenses.

[angel61]

Somethings bugging me:
My H asked me for a compromise during the time I was setting boundaries: he wanted to have closure with OW, allegedly he felt that he abandoned her in terms of their friendship, and did not want her to feel that way, and wanted to see her one last time.

I said no, but right now, am thinking of letting him have one chance for closure, for some reason. Its bugging me today.
I don't know why....maybe I am thinking he will be less irritiable? maybe I feel I was being unfair? maybe I am thinking I was not giving him freedom? One chance without the consequences, or will it make me seem weak?

Know me with a 2x4 please, I need some sense.....

[angel61]

I mean hit me with a 2x4 pleasse.....