Am I piecing? Just can't tell...

[Harrier]

SBH

Is this groundhog day? I feel like we've been over this with you. Again, you ARE over thinking everything. Please remember to take some time to enjoy the moment instead of thinking about "What it means?" As Sigmund Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." You have got to stop trying to read into everything she does. It's driving you crazy. The bigger problem is that once you back on sound footing, you won't stop doing this.

The only one who is making it a game is you. Do you trust your wife to tell you. If you aren't pacing correctly?
You've been with her for 21 years and you are saying you don't know how to read her?

I know it's easy to get frustrated at the pace of things, but geez it's only been 30 days since the OM was in the picture and you are trying to jump back to where you were.

I'm curious if are you guys in MC? I think it would help to find one that would work. Maybe your W could say things in the sessions that reassure you. Like I said, the fact that she doesn't pull away might be more meaningful than her saying ILY right now. The fact that she spoons with your is probably more important than eating ice cream nude in bed with her. Those are messages from her.
You have to appreciate what she is willing to give you now with the hope that that isn't all she can give you.

[Harrier]

We used to fight every day and I don't believe we have fought in over 2 months. Almost every interaction is positive. Not because SHE has changed but because validating and remaining calm works wonders. I have learned that anger and yelling is useless and NEVER gets you what you want.

Wow! I would say that deserves a gold star!

I disagree. I think it makes you look weak. I'm not saying starting a fight just to start a fight, but you are going to have conflict in your marriage in even the best of time.

Actually, it's not Anger and yelling that are useless. Studies show that many happily married couples yell at each other and get mad at each other. In fact, is the marriages were no yelling occurs that you have to really worry about.
The real issue is HOW you get mad and HOW you deal with it. Avoiding it isn't healthy.

[sandi2]

I was a fool, too. Learn from your experience and grow. That will be the best thing you can ever do for yourself...and for your family. You will not (I hope) ever take those things for granted again.

The best way to know if your W is faking is her body language. If the two of you are spooning, you should be able to sense tension in her body. If you can tell that she's tense...that is your sign to just lay comfortably but don't let your hands wander, breathe in her ear, stroke her hair, etc. She needs to learn she can lay in your arms relaxed without you expecting more from her. That may sound a bit cold, but it will take time for her to be ready to receive you sexually. If she tries before she's truly ready, then it could cause some frigid problems.

I think she is showing you that she "is" trying to meet you in the middle, but I think I could also suggest that she's hoping you will not push for much more, for now. An EA messes up the mind and body so badly, but she can get it back in time.

Do I stay the course?

Yes! Sometimes the course has to be adjusted b/c we learn as we go along.

Do I need to make her miss me more?

I think it is good to give her plenty of breathing space. Going out with the guys once in a while, or giving her a free Saturday without you and the kids would probably help her. Since she's broken off her EA and working on the M, then I wouldn't say she needs to miss you, she just doesn't need to feel that you suck up the air around her.

Your W is doing 1000% better than I did. I was not want to stay. I could hardly stand to be in the opposite end of the house with my H. It took a loooooooong time before I wanted him to even hug me. Oh, he would have went fast as lightening if I would have. Most H's want to go much faster b/c they want the assurance, and they want everything to get back to normal ASAP. But for the WAW, it just doesn't happen that easily.

I remember once when I showed a tiny bit of hope and he was so relieved he kissed me on my shoulder. I immediately tensed b/c knowing him like I do...I knew he thought everything was back to normal....and I knew it was a long way from normal. I'd dare say that what a lot of what LBH's refer to as "limbo" is actually them having to "wait" for the WAW's heart to be open again.

The fact that both of you go to bed together is wonderful! Don't stop doing that, ever. As far coming in late, I'd say just get into bed and quietly & gently snuggle up against her without waking her.

Don't worry if your timetable isn't exactly like another couple's.

((hugs))

[Sad_but_happy]

Harrier,
I'm navigating unchartered waters and here on this board because I DON'T know everything. I am confident and secure at home and I think that's how it looks to her as well.

I'm trying not to over think things but when I'm not with her I tend to panic (just a bit)... Thanks again for grounding me.

As far as not being able to read her. it's true, we have been together for 21 years but she it a different person, going through a MLC and acting different... So I can't know what she is THINKING...

We have been in MC on and off since year 8 of our M (married 16 years). We have another session this Sunday. But she is getting tired of it. She feels that if we can't make it work then it is useless. I disagree with her. But I do agree that we need something to change and I feel we are on the right track.

When I say we don't fingt that does not mean I never disgree with her. If I don't agree with something I validate, discuss and we come to a solution...

Case in point:
W told S12 that he was no longer allowed to bring his favotit comic book to school, EVER. I approached wife and...

1. Validated that bringing the comic EVERY DAY was not appropriate and he should not be allowed to.

2. Discussed the possibility of allowing S12 to pick one day a week to bring the comic.

3. W agreed and approached son asking what day he would like.

4. S12 hugged W and told her he loves her.


In the past I would have told her that she was being to strict and to lighten up and give him a break.

Communication is the key! Not arguing and yelling...

Thanks for checking in...

[MrBond]

SBH,

I think you're doing a great job. You're not avoiding conflict, just learning to deal with it in a different way rather than yelling and arguing.

Validation isn't avoiding an issue. It's telling the other person "hey I see where you're coming from and I respect it". Doesn't mean you agree with it.

Took me awhile to understand that too.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Sandi,

That is exactly what I needed to hear...

I think she can tell that I'm in to hurry to ML (though I would jump at the chance if I knew she were ready).

I will continue to read the signs and act based on what her "body" is telling me...

I remember a month ago we were discussing R and I told her that I wanted to do so much for her and if I thought she were ready I would show her. As an example I asked her if she would be receptine to a candle lit dinner...

I WAS SOOOO DUMB FOR ASKING HER THAT!!!

I looked so weak and unattractive... Would I ask someone I were dating if they would be receptive to a candle lit dinner? NO!!! And I could see the discust in her face! From that day on EVERYTHING I've done was/is done with confidence!

I know I will get her back in time...

We had another very nice night last night. Wine, reading, talk of a new life in a new place, and spooning...

I just need you guys DB'ers to keep me on track...

And Sandi, I WILL NEVER take anything for granted again. Women are precious gifts and my gift will never get away again... I hope!

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Bond,
I think this is true learning. Learning to be a better husband, father and person.

And the beauty is that even if your M DOES fall apart and things don't come together as you want, these lessons stay forever and help you form beautiful new future relationships.

And those future women and men will be soooo lucky to get the new "us". And our S will lose out...

Our S have no idea the growing and maturing that is going on with regard to the people on this board.

[MrBond]

I found out this worked for me at work and with my relationships with friends and family.

When I started validating to difficult clients, they really started to want to hear my POV. Funny these skills we learn and how they become a part of us.

[Denver_2010]

Your situation seems so similar to mine. Unfortunately, I'm just beginning the process. I would love to be where you are with things. But your posts do give me hope!

[Sad_but_happy]

One last thing Sandi... This one weighs on my mind!

Do you STILL think of OM?

Do you feel you made a mistake by staying with H?

Do you miss OM?


I worry that my W may never really get over OM (even though it was only a 2-3 month relationship).

Do yuo really feel that you went to OM because of what you were missing in your R or because it was new and fun and exciting?

I sometimes wonder that even if I fill the void, there will still be a longing to explore...

Want a womans POV...