I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[whatisis]

Uh, why re-read a book that can only bring you more pain? I don't get it. Hey, how about reading "Healing Is A Choice", something that might actually help you! Yes, divorce hurts the kids but YOU don't have a choice, CTH. What is is and carrying on about how much you don't like it, how bad it is for the kids ain't gonna change it. My wife and I have been separated for over three years now. Last year my D's Gymnastics Head Coach took me aside and said that she was just so amazed at how well adjusted and happy both my girls were and how no one would ever guess their parents were separated. She wanted to ask "how do you do it?" I explained that my wife and I decided when we separated to put aside our issues and make the kids a priority and that's what we did. Our kids are thriving despite what happened to our family. Both are doing well in school, the oldest is getting marks int he high 90's and the youngest is competing at the provincial level in gymnastics. They are happy kids. Sure, sometimes they say they miss when we were all together as a family and I say "so do I" and we move on. If they didn't say that sometimes I'd worry! You can give all this to your kids too CTH but you've gotta put aside your issues about the situation and be for your kids. It's that simple, it really is. If you don't, they will indeed suffer more than they need to.

[awest1217]

I completely agree whatisis. The girls will suffer some from the D, but they will suffer more if their parents don't work together. Now that doesn't mean be friends or anything, but that you can work together on your main project which is your girls. Saying hi to STBXW and good-bye, maybe once in a while "how are you doing?" or staying in the room when she is around, would help the girls so much more than if you prove to them that it is all STBXW's fault that you are all miserable.

Also reading the book again will give you some hope, but STBXW is not going to want to reconcile if you keep acting rudely. Would you want to be around someone who is acting like you? You have said numerous times how STBXW is an ice queen. Are you reflecting that persona back to STBXW or are you going to rise above and melt her a little by being nice when it comes to the girls? It may never mean reconciling, but wouldn't it be nice to not always feel horrible everytime you see STBXW or to not dread seeing her? Wouldn't it be better to show your girls that you were the reason their family could get along peacefully?

Financially, I understand it is hard on the girls. I am realizing more and more how hard it is going to be being a single mom, but one question and I know I am being devil's advocate, if you are so concerned about the girls, then why are you insisting on a settlement for yourself from STBXW? If you read my sitch, I am getting nothing from H, but I also don't owe anything. It is going to be very hard on me for the next 10 years because I have the car to pay off (2.5 more years), and work towards refinancing the house. When the house and car were bought, there were two incomes and could easily be afforded, now it is so hard. Now I understand with your sitch you have credit cards and other loans that have to get paid mostly from STBXW racking them up, but you were also in the house at that time and could have not signed off on getting those credit cards. I am just wondering is the $11,000 so important if the girls are worried about their mom and money? I understand you want to get you financially sound so you can help the girls future (college) and you want STBXW to understand and suffer a little for what she has done (I am there as well, but my H isn't ever going to suffer financially and it urks me so something I have to work on), but what about the right now? Like I said sorry, but being on the other side of the coin makes me have a little sympathy for STBXW as well.

Maybe if you could sit in her seat for a while, maybe then you can get a little sympathy for her. Yes, she messed up and chose this path, my H also did and at times I really struggle with the fact that I am the one hurting and struggling while he is living the high life going out, going on vacation, buying new clothes, but I still feel sorry for him because he is missing out on so much and the only way for me to really get revenge is like you said "live a life well lived". I am doing my best to live a good life and I have heard from H on numerous occasions how he is impressed with how I handled different situations. Live your life and stop obsessing about STBXW. Find a way to coexhist like you would with a coworker you don't particularly like.

[faithisbelieving]

I agree with the above. Reading this bunk is only a type of denial and sets you back.

I had SO MANY 'blips' of normalcy along the way. I was constantly told that 'reconciliation is around the corner'. The moderatros here, at one point, put my entire thread in the 'Inspirational' forum which was once here. Saying this tongue in cheek, "bah....humbug."

They don't come back. And if they DO, it's only a small fraction and even THEN, there is still so much work to do and much in the way of mistrust.

CTH, I have continually said here...and I live by this. The advice exists because it IS true. Live life as best you can. Drop the rope and don't turn back. Don't keep looking in the rear view mirror. Someday, if X comes knocking at your door, you'll have plenty of time to figure out what you'd do in that sitch. Ask yourself, "why do I want to stay with someone who is destroying everything we have?". Think.

Supporting you.
FIB

[kml]

"I've been trying to repeat my mantra "The best revenge is a life well lived" and pouring over the financial plans to look at ways I'm going to get myself on better footing financially."

Check out dave ramsey online. Good solid info there.

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting couple of weeks. D11 had her play and her first line. Yeah! I went to three of the nine plays and sat right in the front row so she could see me. I only saw STBXW at one of them. She was there, working the concession stand. I just stayed in the theater.

I will say this. It's the best play this troupe has done. It was the Christmas Carroll and the Scrooge was great. The scenes where he's regretting his past really got to me -- for obvious reasons. I saw him at church after and congratulated him. He has talent.

D11 wasn't going to do the winter play -- but talked STBXW into it because she likes the director. I do too. If anyone is going to take a chance on her being more of a bit player this director will.

It's awkward seeing him though. We're FB friends and we always shake hands. I get the sense he doesn't know what to say. He started the theater group four years ago and STBXW and I were heavily involved in it. She'd run the costume committee and I'd handle the marketing. He spent a lot of time with STBXW and -- I don't know if anything was ever said about our situation. He said once that my family is very precious to him and he prays for us all the time.

Well, now that we're apart I've stepped back from the plays. I come to the plays and make sure D11 gets there when it's my time. I say hi to the other parents, who keep their distance. I doubt it's anything STBXW said. She doesn't talk about us to anyone. It's just awkward.

OK. The weird part. Last Wednesday I get a text out of the blue from a girl I met through Match. We were supposed to go on a date -- THE BIG FIRST DATE -- but she canceled at the last minute because she wanted to start seeing a guy exclusively.

Well, things didn't work out and she wanted to see me. So we texted a couple of days and last Friday I left a Christmas party to go see her. I wanted to get that date out of the way. She lives about 40 minutes away.

I found her -- after several wrong turns -- and we had to play a game where we pretended to be old friends from grade school because she hadn't told her friends she broke it off with the other guy.

What's the old Seinfeld thing with Elaine ... Yada, yada, and I stayed the night ... and then felt really guilty in the morning.

A whole boatload of things. She lives 40 minutes away and I'm watching every penny. How is that going to work? If STBXW was a Sex in the City character, she'd be Charlotte and the Match girl would definitely be the Kim Cattrall character. I don't think that's what I want long-term. She's a bit out there even for me.

Anyway, the next day we talked about how I was conflicted and I apologized for staying the night. I was really just looking for a date -- and we zoomed way past that -- and I could have said no.

And I felt guilty because the divorce isn't final.

But I also felt relieved, excited, a whole bunch of stuff. It had been a long, long time.

We've been texting all week to see when we could get together again. She wanted me to come up last night but Wednesdays I have the girls. I'm working Friday. My best friend is in town Saturday from Florida. I could perhaps go up there Sunday, but I'm also watching every penny with Christmas and a Wisconsin Dells trip coming up.

I hate complications and everything now is complicated.

So this happens this weekend and last night was D11's first band concert. I take D8 and she spots STBXW and we sit together and it's ... hard. Her hair is getting really long, like it was when we first met. She isn't curling it though. It sits straight now.

D8 sat between us and I spent most of my time taking pictures and video. STBXW talked to me a little bit, but when it was over STBXW was very quick to get out of there. That was fine. There was nothing to say. It's been five weeks since the last D meeting between the Ls and still no final proposal.

D11 did well though. She really likes band. She likes the music. I'm going to get her a music stand for Christmas.

Girls are doing pretty well. I still struggle with patience and snap at them some times. We talk about it after. The girls know I'm trying.

They are my litmus test. Right now, I can't imagine introducing the Match girl to them. But I wonder if I'll ever be able to introduce someone to them. You learn from your parents. My dad introduced me to exactly two women after my mom divorced him. I'm pretty sure he went out with more than just two people over 20 years.

Awest, back to your prior post. I was upset about it for a while and had to think how to respond.

I understand the Devil's Advocate part, but sacrificing my future for hers? I don't get it. I have the girls 40 percent of the time and I don't want to spend the next 10 years eating ramen noodles with them.

Here's the thing about the settlement. It's $10,000 less than what I'd likely get in court -- and it would come out of her retirement funds, not her bank account. It wouldn't affect her daily living at all. I need that money or I am bankrupt. I do not make enough now to meet my greatly reduced expenses. I am not going to take it and fly to Vegas. I'm going to pay off bills to try to free up disposable income.

I am typing this in a house with the heat set at 60 since the girls aren't here. I am typing it on a work computer with a 3G card because I can't afford Internet access. I am going Saturday to donate plasma because I need that $20. Things are that tight.

When I first moved out, I was going to play the hero and suffer so she could live as well as she could. She's the type though if you gave her $5,000 a day she'd find a way to spend it and not save anything. She gets $2,000 every paycheck after what I pay her. That's $52,000 after taxes while I'll have to get by on about $22,000. This is the Midwest and it's cheaper, but it's hard to live on that and save for the girls' college or braces or other emergencies.

I know you meant well, but my job is to live my life as best I can for myself and my girls, not to save STBXW.

[awest1217]

I completely understand about the financial stuff. I was just trying to show a different side to the coin, since I am on the other side. (I also turn the heat down to 60 when S is not home and even have the heat down at 65 when S is there).

Just remember financially that with the girls it is not the stuff you do or what you buy, but the time spent.

Have a good holiday season!

[whatisis]

Anyway, the next day we talked about how I was conflicted and I apologized for staying the night. I was really just looking for a date -- and we zoomed way past that -- and I could have said no.

And I felt guilty because the divorce isn't final.

This is why you shouldn't be dating right now! You aren't ready, nothing wrong with that. It only adds complications to your life, which you don't need right now. Learn from this experience.

[soleil]

I remember the 'yada yada' episode. It aws one of the best.

If you are not comfortable doing something, CTH, don't.

What have you got planned for the holidays?

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey home run on the first date! I'm sure some would feel lucky to be in your shoes. As for feeling guilty about it, it happened it happened, not the end of the world. You learn, reevaluate and make the necessary changes for next time.

[ClingingToHope]

Merry Christmas everyone. I am watching D8 watch TV. So many feelings to pour out today. This was my year to have them wake up here but earlier this week I told STBXW they could stay the night at "the house" and wake up there. My thought was this might be the last Christmas they have in the house they've known their whole lives. She'll either lose it or sell it this year and then my house will be the one they are most used to.

I caught a cold just in time for Christmas so yesterday I just laid around -- worked out a bit -- took the girls to lunch and then took a sleeping pill so my brain wouldn't work overdrive and keep me up.

This morning I got a text from STBXW that the girls were up. It was 7:15 a.m. I showered and dressed and took some cold medicine and headed over around 8:15 a.m.

I stayed for two hours. D11 got a phone, that was her big gift, and a Glee Karoaoke game for the Wii. D8 got a lot of clothes.

D8 and I played Go Fish with the same deck I bought for her when she was three. STBXW left her phone out and ... I checked her messages and there was one from her OM who may or may not just be a friend. It just said Merry Christmas. Hope you have a good day. I know I shouldn't have done it. But I'm not beating myself up over it.

Hey, this morning I sent Merry Christmas texts to my best friend in Florida, my sister, my aunt, church 35 and Match 36.

STBXW looked tired, but so did I. We didn't catch each other's eye once. I was avoiding her eyes. She was avoiding mine. It wasn't tense, but it wasn't ... fine ... either. Just sadness in the air I think.

When I'm not around STBXW I feel that it could all work again with effort and time. Then when I am around her everything feels so strange, so .... million miles away ... and I think, 'this is it.' It feels like a different life. I just so want to hold her again. You always want what you can't have.

Finally, I got the girls to get their shoes on and brush their teeth and come over to my house. Here, D11 got a boombox and a Glee CD and D8 got a scooter. They both got Wii games and I gave them the newest Nintendo DSI version to share.

They were quite excited. They are here until 3 p.m. when they'll go to STBXW's mom's house. I'm not going. I volunteered to work. It'll be the first Christmas in 16 years I didn't spend at least some of my day at the MIL's house.

Last year I spent seven hours there and it felt good, it felt like home, it felt like just a matter of time before things would work out.

Then at the end of the night, STBXW asked me to take the dog home with me. She was going to her friend's house. The whole invitation was a way to get out of having to drive the girls to my house.

I was so angry and deflated.

This year, she is bringing the girls back when I get off work at 9 p.m. Tomorrow, we go to the Wisconsin Dells for an overnight stay.

I mostly stayed on budget this year. I am in a tight spot again though. Money is always at the back of my mind right now.

Looking back at last Christmas to this one ... it's been a long year.

I have my new house. I am a year closer to being able to pay off the credit cards. I am back performing well at work. I don't have days where I wander aimlessly downtown. I have had sex again, which reminded me there are others who think I'm attractive, but also made me feel guilty. I'll get back to that later.

STBXW filed for divorce though in February. She went to South Dakota with her best friend and a bunch of single guys in August. I spotted the OM at my house, driving her car and texting her. I have felt rage, sadness and pain. Lots of pain.

I've also expanded my circle of friends thanks to church. But my injured toe has not gotten better and I'm slowly drifting into being out of shape. I have to find the motivation to finish my book projects and get back into shape.

I know I'll take some knocks for not having detached, not letting go. It's true I haven't. I am so much better in so many ways and when I'm out with others or working, it's almost not there. I can function again. To others I'm fine.

But when I'm alone -- the pain is still there. It will always be in some small way.

Even if I find someone great and perfect it will still be there.

Match 36 is a very nice person. I saw her again last week and ... it happened again. This time she stayed down at my place.

Again I felt guilty though. It wasn't because of STBXW, it was because I don't want a long-term future with Match 36. She's just not it for me.

I don't think it's because I'm not ready to date. I just think she's not it. I think about Church 35, who is still dating a guy. She is someone I would introduce to my girls and someone I would like a future with.

I guess that's my litmus test. Would I introduce them to my girls or not.

I'll be back to write more. Have to make lunch.