Well, I needed to start a new thread. Im in a new place. H is gone. Living his life, I should be living mine as well.
It is not easy when he still wants to "cake eat".
Cant figure it out. Our marriage failed because he was a cheater, liar, dishonest, unloyal, and an unfaithful person.
So what I can figure out is why is he still doing it? Why is he with this new OW. One who he was talking to and trying to "help" when he was still home with me, why is he able to still cheat, on her?? He is ready, willing and able to have sex with me. He wants to. He is in a new relationship and wants to cheat on her. Did he not see how this distroyed our marriage in the end, yet he continues the same pattern?
It just boggles my mind. When all this first happened 4 years ago....when he was with the first OW, the one that will stay burned in my brain for eternity, I ended up being the OW while he was with her...she found out, several times she took him back after finding out this. She always had suspiscion and didnt trust him because of that. She found out once because i told her....he blames me instead of himself for messing up that R with the OW. SO, why do this again??? Even when we were trying to work things out for months before i let him come home last year, he was with OW and they were women who were telling him they loved him, he had been with me, I had no idea that these OW even existed...and he was with me....what is wrong with him?? He will continue to keep on doing this. I pray for him to see he needs help. He thinks he is just being selfish, I dont believe he sees it as a problem, although he told me that he needed help for this a long time ago. Guess he thinks he cant be fixed now?
These things are just laying heavy on my mind lately. Not a good way to try and move forward, but gotta process these things so I can try to move forward
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
We've seen it a hundred million times on these Boards; MLC=confusion. Also, the MLC'rs ability, rather inability, to accept responsibility for their own actions.
You are right, though, about moving on with your own life. Do you really want to be physically close to someone who could give you something Ajax can't scrub off? That's my thought on it. It's a far too dangerous world for multiple partners.
You may still love your H; I love mine, but at some point self-protection mode has to kick in.
It's a tough season. Look for the happy people in your life, that make life worth living, tie a knot and hang on. ((HUGS))
I am so sorry to hear of all that you have gone through and continue to go through. It's really not fair.
My only words of wisdom for you is that you have to trust that you have done all you can. You should be commended for sticking through all this. He is the one that will have to seek out help and I can tell you that men are very resistant to therapy or help of any kind. They are taught from childhood not to be vulnerable. Pretty sad if you ask me.
I understand your feelings from a different perspective. My H is going through an MLC and has filed for D. I will move on but never give up.
One day, he will figure it all out, get well and come knocking on your door. At that juncture, you will have to see if you are still willing to open that door again.
Stay Strong!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
You are right, though, about moving on with your own life. Do you really want to be physically close to someone who could give you something Ajax can't scrub off? That's my thought on it. It's a far too dangerous world for multiple partners.
This is what worries me for him....I told him that I could NOT have sex with him because I didnt know who he had been with and I was not going to put myself at risk. He recommeded using protection...I laughed at him, right, I told him to listen to himself...It just didnt sound right to say I could have sex with my H and use protection so I wouldnt catch anything??? Uhm I guess he isnt concerned about his own health.
Like you said MLC = confusion.
I am looking forward to happy times the rest of this month with my family and friends...those who matter. Still praying for my H everyday though. Not sure if Im still gonna stick around and wait for him to wake up and get right! Time will tell.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Your H is really in a need of professional help for his sex addictions....but as they say you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped....hopefully he will hit bottom one day and realize that he has a problem and deal with it...in the mean time you are better off without him. (((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
That's the thing. You can't worry it out or fix it for him, only yourself.
Case in point. My high school sweetheart, teenage marriage, finally came out of the closet and announced he was gay. Big news. I had known it for years, but as we have remained friends, it wasn't my place to make the call. Even if we hadn't remained friends. Anyway, when the AIDS scare was at its heighth, I worried for him. Even though you couldn't say what we had was "love", I still didn't want to see him ill or dying.
Eventually, I learned to accept that his choices held his consequences, and he was a responsible person and, hopefully, would take care of himself. If he didn't, or doesn't, and became ill, I would be there to help him in any way I could. Still will. He is the father of my two oldest children.
But I let go of the self imposed responsiblity of worrying for his health. There is enough going on in our own lives to worry about the careless decisions of other people.
Kissak, take care of YOU, and let God take care of him. You are not responsible for anything he does. It may seem cold hearted, but part of detaching is letting that responsible feeling go.
You are right. I cant help him, but I cant help but worry about him either. I guess I do have to let it go though. I can only worry about me and my children.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Well, I dont think I handled things quite well last night. H took kids shopping to buy me a gift. I told him they had already ate supper. He texted me to remind me that my D wanted cookies for her party today. I texted him back, no answer. Standing waiting in the grocery store for an answer I decided to just call him. No answer on his personal phone, so I called his business cell phone, because I was sure he would have it on so that he could hear it. Well, he answered, I asked about his other phone, oh he didnt hear it...ok, he said they were eating supper....ok, that didnt sit well with me, I asked to speak with my daughter to ask about her cookies....she was acting odd too...well, then I knew he was with the OW, introducing my kids to her. D put her dad back on phone, I let him know how unhappy i was with him. He and I discussed him waiting...well he waited....a whole week. Jerk!
Ugh, I hung up, he of course texted me....said it was a last minute decision. Right. Im sure. Just once I wish my feelings would be considered, but I guess they never have been so why start now. I told him that It would have been so much easier for me if he had told me first. That way I werent caught off guard.
So, What I hate is that my kids come home, my son wants to talk about the OW and how she werent as ugly as in her pic, and her daughter was fun.
Now my daughter was upset that her dad seemed so much more playful with this womens daughter who is 16. She said "mom, dad never cuts up with me like that".
Then she goes to tell me that they had a food fight in the restaurant! Thats right, a food fight. He let the kids throw food at each other....ok, he would have never done that before, he was always fussing at my d to NOT eat with her fingers and here he is throwing food.
Who is this man?
So when he brings kids home, I dont even look at him, but try to be civil. I tried. I said nothing more to him about it.
Im just ticked off about it all!!! Why do this? My daughter even told him that her mom didnt want us introducing them to her yet....well his excuse "your mom said i shouldnt introduce you to ALOT of women".
Talk about splitting hairs......
Ugh!!!!!!!!!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this....not only is he not taking you into consideration with introducing OW to the kids....but what about his children, him not being part of the family is really hard on them as it is. It's way to early for them to deal with OW and her daughter....the selfishness of these MLC'rs has no boundaries.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
The MLCer feels such entitlement. The LBS's feelings are not really even taken into consideration. I think that is why it's so hard to enforce boundaries with them, as it's all about them and what they want.
Mila is spot on when she talks about the selfishness of the MLCer. Whatever feels good at the time is what they do.
They are so deep within the tunnel that they don't even consider how their actions affect their own children. They're only looking for the next fix that might bring them happiness. Chasing an elusive dream when all they would have to do is stop and look within and deal with their issues. It takes them a long time to realize that, if ever.
