Hi Bob, I am feeling out of sorts a bit today and probably shouldnt be posting in this frame of mind. So I will just address the last bit you asked about.
quote: One thing you said in an earlier post was that it made you so mad when your husband would talk about your EA in your counseling sessions. Our counseler has told us that both of us need to share with each other our feelings towards one another. That one should not hold back or it comes out in bits and pieces.
It wasnt him talking about the EA, I felt that needed to be worked through. What bothered me was sitting there listening to how much I hurt him and how I turned his whole world upside down and inside out and made him no longer want to have friends.... he was going on about how bad he was hurt by me. I hadnt dealt with the things he had done to me and they were still tearing me apart. In my opinion his multiple abuse to me for years was a million times worse then me talking to his friend about the abuse and ending up having feelings for him when I didnt even act on them.
It just absolutely infuriated me that he had the nerve to be upset with me over something so minute compared to what he did to me. His sexual abuse was terrible and I felt I would never be normal again, I had years of that to deal with on top of the fact a few weeks before I met my H I was raped and having a very hard time dealing with that. For me the rape was nothing compared to what my H put me through for so long being he was my H, someone I was suposed to be able to feel safe with who claimed to love me. the rapist was a drug addict rapist and no one to me but a stranger with a serious mental and drug problem, I had no expectations of him.
you are very right that you should talk about all your feelings. I didnt feel I could talk about my feelings and the extent of the abuse in our marriage, so as I sat there and listend to my H and I had to be empathetic and listen to him and apologize for hurting him and try to understand him my insides were tearing apart with flashes of horrible memories I didnt discuss. I would end up crying and my counselor would say you are obviously in a lot of pain and still need to forgive what can we do to help you. Well hell I didnt know I just wanted away from it it hurt to much. I hurt and felt incredibly guilty for hurting my H the way I did, it hurt that he refused to believe the EA was not a PA and he still dosnt believe me, I am just burnt out on carring what he believes anymore as far as thats concerned he is choosing to hurt over something I did not do and I have given him the truth he chooses to not except.
so by all means you both must feel safe to discuss it all. I just didnt feel I could. My counselor back then told me to write about the things that botherd me that I couldnt talk about. I couldnt even write about it. finally I did to om and he helped me through it and I am gratefull for that it was a huge road block in my personal recovery.
