I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting couple of weeks. D11 had her play and her first line. Yeah! I went to three of the nine plays and sat right in the front row so she could see me. I only saw STBXW at one of them. She was there, working the concession stand. I just stayed in the theater.

I will say this. It's the best play this troupe has done. It was the Christmas Carroll and the Scrooge was great. The scenes where he's regretting his past really got to me -- for obvious reasons. I saw him at church after and congratulated him. He has talent.

D11 wasn't going to do the winter play -- but talked STBXW into it because she likes the director. I do too. If anyone is going to take a chance on her being more of a bit player this director will.

It's awkward seeing him though. We're FB friends and we always shake hands. I get the sense he doesn't know what to say. He started the theater group four years ago and STBXW and I were heavily involved in it. She'd run the costume committee and I'd handle the marketing. He spent a lot of time with STBXW and -- I don't know if anything was ever said about our situation. He said once that my family is very precious to him and he prays for us all the time.

Well, now that we're apart I've stepped back from the plays. I come to the plays and make sure D11 gets there when it's my time. I say hi to the other parents, who keep their distance. I doubt it's anything STBXW said. She doesn't talk about us to anyone. It's just awkward.

OK. The weird part. Last Wednesday I get a text out of the blue from a girl I met through Match. We were supposed to go on a date -- THE BIG FIRST DATE -- but she canceled at the last minute because she wanted to start seeing a guy exclusively.

Well, things didn't work out and she wanted to see me. So we texted a couple of days and last Friday I left a Christmas party to go see her. I wanted to get that date out of the way. She lives about 40 minutes away.

I found her -- after several wrong turns -- and we had to play a game where we pretended to be old friends from grade school because she hadn't told her friends she broke it off with the other guy.

What's the old Seinfeld thing with Elaine ... Yada, yada, and I stayed the night ... and then felt really guilty in the morning.

A whole boatload of things. She lives 40 minutes away and I'm watching every penny. How is that going to work? If STBXW was a Sex in the City character, she'd be Charlotte and the Match girl would definitely be the Kim Cattrall character. I don't think that's what I want long-term. She's a bit out there even for me.

Anyway, the next day we talked about how I was conflicted and I apologized for staying the night. I was really just looking for a date -- and we zoomed way past that -- and I could have said no.

And I felt guilty because the divorce isn't final.

But I also felt relieved, excited, a whole bunch of stuff. It had been a long, long time.

We've been texting all week to see when we could get together again. She wanted me to come up last night but Wednesdays I have the girls. I'm working Friday. My best friend is in town Saturday from Florida. I could perhaps go up there Sunday, but I'm also watching every penny with Christmas and a Wisconsin Dells trip coming up.

I hate complications and everything now is complicated.

So this happens this weekend and last night was D11's first band concert. I take D8 and she spots STBXW and we sit together and it's ... hard. Her hair is getting really long, like it was when we first met. She isn't curling it though. It sits straight now.

D8 sat between us and I spent most of my time taking pictures and video. STBXW talked to me a little bit, but when it was over STBXW was very quick to get out of there. That was fine. There was nothing to say. It's been five weeks since the last D meeting between the Ls and still no final proposal.

D11 did well though. She really likes band. She likes the music. I'm going to get her a music stand for Christmas.

Girls are doing pretty well. I still struggle with patience and snap at them some times. We talk about it after. The girls know I'm trying.

They are my litmus test. Right now, I can't imagine introducing the Match girl to them. But I wonder if I'll ever be able to introduce someone to them. You learn from your parents. My dad introduced me to exactly two women after my mom divorced him. I'm pretty sure he went out with more than just two people over 20 years.

Awest, back to your prior post. I was upset about it for a while and had to think how to respond.

I understand the Devil's Advocate part, but sacrificing my future for hers? I don't get it. I have the girls 40 percent of the time and I don't want to spend the next 10 years eating ramen noodles with them.

Here's the thing about the settlement. It's $10,000 less than what I'd likely get in court -- and it would come out of her retirement funds, not her bank account. It wouldn't affect her daily living at all. I need that money or I am bankrupt. I do not make enough now to meet my greatly reduced expenses. I am not going to take it and fly to Vegas. I'm going to pay off bills to try to free up disposable income.

I am typing this in a house with the heat set at 60 since the girls aren't here. I am typing it on a work computer with a 3G card because I can't afford Internet access. I am going Saturday to donate plasma because I need that $20. Things are that tight.

When I first moved out, I was going to play the hero and suffer so she could live as well as she could. She's the type though if you gave her $5,000 a day she'd find a way to spend it and not save anything. She gets $2,000 every paycheck after what I pay her. That's $52,000 after taxes while I'll have to get by on about $22,000. This is the Midwest and it's cheaper, but it's hard to live on that and save for the girls' college or braces or other emergencies.

I know you meant well, but my job is to live my life as best I can for myself and my girls, not to save STBXW.