I am circling round and round. The thing I keep coming back to is the dishonesty. Yes, my H's lying and cheating hurt. But what is eating me up is my own dishonesty.
I am 99% sure H is having an affair. EA/PA, doesn't matter. He would split hairs on it, but I don't think that it really matters when or even if body fluid were exchanged. The end result is that he is leaving me for someone else.
I know that the affair meets unmet needs, it's a symptom and not the cause, yada. yada, yada…
Point is that I know. H most likely knows that I know. Or he thinks I'm an idiot. Or that I'm in denial. Or that I don’t care. What he thinks isn’t the point though.
I'm sick of acting as-if. I'm sick of covering for him.
I don't have any ultimatums to give.
I don't expect this to wake him up.
I don't expect him to come home.
I'm not out to confront or expose. I just want these games to stop. It is these as-if games that left a hole in our R that OW crawled into.
I want to be honest with him. Even if all we are together anymore are parents to our beautiful little girl. That is still such an important R, with no room for this cr*p.
Not going to rush this, I’m not ready. I won't be doing anything different till at least after the holidays. Only thing I really want to change is this, not my approach to my H. Kind of think H is planning another bomb drop too, so I will be facing something.
Like 25 said, it could be our last Christmas as a family. H wants to spend Christmas with us. I don't want D to miss that. If I'm honest, I don't want to miss it either.
Still just trying to rest and let myself figure this out. Its not just OW I have let get swept under the rug, but lots of stuff.
