Am I piecing? Just can't tell...

[Sad_but_happy]

I have been humbled by this process. If you asked me 6 months ago who was to blame for the fall of our marriage, I would have said W, hands down. And many others would have agreed (including HER family).

Fast forward to today I see how much I hurt her. How cutting my words were when I would say;

"we got married too early"
"we were not meant to be together"
"I think we need to seperate"
"How can you feel that our relationship is right"
"we will be seperated in less then a year"

She was alone, and afraid and uncertain of her future. And she just wanted love from me. Just thinking of these things makes me tear up. I just didn't realize the pain I was causing. Sure, she was/is difficult and rarely lightened up.

I would tell her how good SHE had it, stay at home mom, nice house, great kids. From a logical standpoint it makes total sense. Why be upset?

But I was speaking/thinking like a man and I was not listening to her needs. I was problem solving which is not what she needed.

But I can't go back. All I can do is learn and be a better person. And a better husband.

So as far as feeling superior, I don't. Not in the least. In fact I see how my behavior in the past, had it been different could have made us stronger then steel. But I was consumed with ME and MY NEEDS.

I guess I want to rush this process so she will believe that I HAVE changed and then the questions in her mind will disappear. But that will take time and I am doing everything possible to SHOW her and not tell her...

So update on last night:
Went well. Very friendly when we were together early evening. She went out with friends and when she came home and we talked for about an hour (did a lot of chores when she was out). Great conversation, no R talk at all. I am getting to the point where I am saying to myself, 'why have R talk? would I have had R talk last year? NO. So just assume/act like all is fine with life.' Makes soooo much sense but hard to do when the crisis hits. We then read more of "Surrendering to Marriage", Held hands while falling asleep. Was nice...


We used to fight every day and I don't believe we have fought in over 2 months. Almost every interaction is positive. Not because SHE has changed but because validating and remaining calm works wonders. I have learned that anger and yelling is useless and NEVER gets you what you want.

One last thing about 180. I have learned that small things count more. Examples:

*Don't wait for W to ask to change a burnt out light bulb
*Iron W cloths while she is out (if she lets you)
*Make the kids their lunches for the following day so W does not have to scramble
*make the bed in the morning
*Leave a little TY note if she does something nice for you
*Start dinner before she gets home
*Warm up her car in the morning
*make her tea or coffee and place on the vanity while she is in the shower

180 is about what you do consistantly... These things will make her feel appreciated. But be consistant!