Is dropping the rope like detaching or going dark? The analogy of dropping the rope was a great visual. My husband keeps giving me mixed messages. This week he has expressed interest in coming to church "with the kids, at a church a friend of our family attends." I can't decide if I need to set a boundry with this and tell him he needs to find a different church.
I feel like the more I drop the rope the more I become somewat of a doormat because I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster. I suppose for me, this is why boundries are necessary.
Here is a great post about going dark vs detaching...Hope it helps. There is more info to it as well.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Okay, I know this is a pet peeve of mine, but I believe there is a difference in Going Dark and Detaching.
First of all, going dark is very hard to do whenever children are in the mix. You cannot be dark if you have to see your S. That's not dark. Going dark is whenever a person completely separates themselves from their S and does not see them or talk to them for a long period of time (like a year.....at least several months). This works when couples do not have children or else they have someone to intervene with child visitations (dropping kids off at S, etc.).
You don't call it going dark a day or two while you're living under the same roof! That's not going dark. It really makes you look as if you're in a bad mood. You're not GD if you don't answer a phone call or respond to a text.
Then......somewhere along the way people stated using the term "going gray". What?? You don't go dark one day and gray the next and then sunny the next!
People need to understand what detaching is all about. Forget going dark or any other shades. Most newcomers can't go dark. Heck, they can't even detach!
Learn what detaching is all about. Detaching can be done while living under the same roof or separated. You can "lovingly" detach. Detaching is not acting like you're in a mood by not talking. Detaching is an attitude of being a new person who is focused on becoming involved in an enjoyable life and who doesn't have time for a bunch of drama or taking cr@p from the S. Detaching is not jumping to answer a call or text every time the S decides to check up. Detaching is not engaging in R talks or persuing.
I could go on & on about what detaching is, but I mainly wanted to get the GOING DARK (and especially going GRAY)off my chest. Going dark is a DB technique, but it really is one of the very LRT to use. I am concerned that Newcomers do not understand the difference in the two concepts.
You don't go dark one day and gray the next and then sunny the next! 