Learning while in holding - pattern

[beastiemanager]

Jack-three-beans,

Thank you Jack.
I found a couple names of lawyers today so sent an email to one of them and will call the other if I don't hear from the first one tomorrow.

I am doing ok. I get sad, really sad at times. But I am doing alright for the most part. I can't believe I am in this "place." I had always been of the mind I would celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary with my H. It was a long term goal I had in my mind. Now that is not a reality. It was taken from me. I had no choice in that decision. I will not get the chance to do that again. Not now at my age. But neither will my H.

As for what am I doing? I am painting a little again. Got into a terrible artist block with all of this, for the last few years. I am doing some knitting for gifts. I have been shoveling and snow blowing until the starter burned up on my snowblower a couple days ago. So work around home and outdoors keeps me really busy. Thank goodness I have a 4-wheeler with a plow for plowing snow. That sure helps. I have had a bout of feeling it is all hopeless. I am feeling a bit better with that.

I spend a lot of time with my grown D's 25/22. We do a lot together. I celebrated my birthday today with family. I have to admit a tiny part of me had hoped maybe I would get a text from H wishing me a happy birthday, but no expectations. And I didn't. So no heart break. But I was a bit sad. Thoughts of old days krept in.

And put up a Christmas tree and decorated that. Me and D's went out and cut a tree for ourselves. That was fun. It is a tradition. I do a lot of "spiritual" things. Work on myself, for myself. A lot of journaling, reading, practicing, meditating.

Thank you for the compliment. I am glad I gave that paper too. I felt stupid after court that day, but it passed. That was due to lawyer. And it was due to me allowing it.

I also have a lot of cats that are farm cats outside and a dog, so they keep me busy. And cats inside the house as well. I am never bored!