If my W is truly at the WAW point not in love with me any more feels more love for OM even though that is suppossed to be done. What can I do. I've read the books but I don't see it having an affect. Turns out I should have learned about validation, active listening and being more posotive years ago. That falls in line with what she found with OM I was always glass half empty I just wish she had straight up told me we had that much trouble. I didn't see it. so anything I do now would seem disingenuous so does that put me at LRT? There isn't even a 100% that she is done contacting OM. She is set on D.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Hi dis, I'm new to the boards and my views are somewhat controversial, but it sounds like LRT to me.
She wants divorce and has filed She is probably still seeing OM She gives NO signs of wanting the R She is looking at real estate
I think you need to leave her alone, enjoy your children and GAL. If she comes back great, and if she doesn't at least you're starting the process of getting your "new" life in order.
You may have no choice but to accept this NEW life but think of it this way; Can it be any worse than the past few months?
I'm praying for you dis...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
This is where my thinking is headed. I suspect she will file sometime after xmas. She has the papers then close on her house about the same time I get served.
I have fols from another board another method encouraging the exposure of the A but it is possible she is only still wanting the A and he is done the only proof I have is some txt msgs and a couple calls OM tells his W when there is contact is that a cover for maintaining the a. This past weekens NC letter by OM spouse seems to have opened a can of worms.either way I believe my W to be done with this M if it turns out otherwise I will be shocked.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
You're already getting some good advice, the only point I would like to make is:
Quote:
so anything I do now would seem disingenuous
Depends on your intent.
If you are doing something just to trick her, just to get her back? Yup it is disingenous.
If you are doing it because you realize that you should have been doing this all along and actually want to and plan on keep doing it? It is sincere.
While she may think it is disingenous, you can only prove it is not over time and you only prove that by making it a true change to your behaviour. Over time.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
either way I believe my W to be done with this M if it turns out otherwise I will be shocked.
And how does that affect you? I would think it had a great deal of impact on the vibes you give off to her.
Quote:
I have fols from another board another method encouraging the exposure of the A
Okay, I thought we had already touched on that subject. Do you want us to talk you out of exposure or what? If you go to a dozen different boards & methods, you would not be any better off b/c you'd be more confused about what you need to do in your stitch. As it stands, you don't seem to be doing anything but waiting for her to file for a D.
Listen, I'm not beating you up for not knowing what is the best advice, but you've got to decide what program you trust and stop hopping around. You may not stop her from filing,but you can take charge over your own life. You can decide how you will think and choose. Right?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi's right. IMO the A's already been exposed. The OM's W knows and has called your W out on it.
To me it seems like your W is scared. She set out on this path thinking that life is going to be great with the OM, start new, etc. But now things are working against her favor. She feels the pressure and wants to rush things because she's on this train track and doesn't want to derail. Leaving is the only thing that makes sense to her right now.
My W was the same way. She was hell bent on getting a D the day I found out about her OM. Oh it was exposed but it didn't change her mind. In fact, she wanted things to be moved up even faster just like your W.
I dropped the rope, stopped second guessing her and waited for things to settle down with herself. After awhile (a long while) she started opening up. A little at first, but it was there. She started to let her guard down a little. Each time she did, I didn't jump on it (at first I did) but then she'd shut down again. So I learned the no expectations thing. I rewarded her when she opened up by validating, being compassionate, etc. And for the times she shut down, I left her alone. In those times when she would be in her "crazy" moods, I would politely but firmly tell her that what she was saying was BS and that she knew it. My self esteem started coming back.
Your sitch isn't unlike many of ours. You just need to decide what the next small step it is you're going to take. Many of the "vets" gave me the "you should move on" speech, etc. But I tried that for a time and it didn't work. It's up to you want you are willing to stand for.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Don't think of it as an all-encompassing plan. Start off with something small and manageable. Think of it like a building project. You don't think about the whole building first. It's too unmanageable. You take it one step at a time. Start with the foundation and work your way up.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
