wife preparing to leave me and kids

[MrBond]

sandi's right. IMO the A's already been exposed. The OM's W knows and has called your W out on it.

To me it seems like your W is scared. She set out on this path thinking that life is going to be great with the OM, start new, etc. But now things are working against her favor. She feels the pressure and wants to rush things because she's on this train track and doesn't want to derail. Leaving is the only thing that makes sense to her right now.

My W was the same way. She was hell bent on getting a D the day I found out about her OM. Oh it was exposed but it didn't change her mind. In fact, she wanted things to be moved up even faster just like your W.

I dropped the rope, stopped second guessing her and waited for things to settle down with herself. After awhile (a long while) she started opening up. A little at first, but it was there. She started to let her guard down a little. Each time she did, I didn't jump on it (at first I did) but then she'd shut down again. So I learned the no expectations thing. I rewarded her when she opened up by validating, being compassionate, etc. And for the times she shut down, I left her alone. In those times when she would be in her "crazy" moods, I would politely but firmly tell her that what she was saying was BS and that she knew it. My self esteem started coming back.

Your sitch isn't unlike many of ours. You just need to decide what the next small step it is you're going to take. Many of the "vets" gave me the "you should move on" speech, etc. But I tried that for a time and it didn't work. It's up to you want you are willing to stand for.