I can do this...

[irishblessings]

Folks - I am backsliding. Thought I had the holiday thing beat - but I don't. I have moments of complete despair. That is a term I would have NEVER used to describe myself - but there it is - despair. Pain, hurt, sadness - I keep praying but I still find myself here. I catch myself projecting his words on myself as the truth. Not sleeping well again. This morning woke up and did something I never thought I would do - drove over to his new place in the chance that OW would be there. Went up to the door - rang the bell - no answer. I think God was watching out for me. Why did I want to do it? 25 on this board would say ego and I probably have to agree. Who has he chosen that is so much better than me. Does she know everything - would I have even told her his ugly secrets? No - anyway thankfully no one answered and I didn't make a fool out of myself.

D paperwork keeps arriving - Merry F'ng Christmas. Still have NO idea what he wants in terms of a settlement. All I want is to remain the beneficiary on the insurance and retirement plans. I have 25 years invested here and I want to make sure the kids get what we had planned.

I feel as though I have no closure. He's just "done". It's been 6 months - why do I still slide back here? How can I stop myself? I feel like I have those days when I feel strong and I catch myself thinking "maybe I'm over the worst of it" - and then I backslide.

I feel broken again...