Thank you for the suggestions dbmod - appreciate the input. Just an update, didn't really want to start yet another thread if that's ok?
In Oct my IC told me she felt I was mildly depressed and recommended I go on ADs. I resisted for quite some time but finally relented last week. When I went to my Dr they also gave me anxiety meds. I've been on them both for a week now and am getting more sleep but still just feeling mostly side effects - times I'm really, really sad, exhausted, and sometimes nauseous. Guess it takes quite some time for it before it will start supporting the ongoing therapy, in starting to change some of my negative thinking patterns. But at least I don't feel like quite such a loser for not being able to change some of those patterns on my own.
I'm scared my H does not believe I need it because he doesn't seem to respond much if I bring it up. When I first told him, he seemed concerned and made a little joke - which helped make me smile. But I do wish I could really talk with him about it; I think though that he's reached his limit with serious talk. And he's got his own stuff he's working through too. So in a lot of ways I'm on my own again. But if I didn't trust what I thought before, I really don't now. Trying not to dwell on it though; just get through xmas and waiting till the ADs start doing their thing, if indeed, they do. So that's where I'm at. Trying to have patience and faith. Thanks. FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
But at least I don't feel like quite such a loser for not being able to change some of those patterns on my own.
Alright young lady, what have I told you about this? (Just kidding) It just kills me to see you think about yourself in such a negative image. You are not a loser!
As I've told you before, I understand depression and I have been on AD's for years. It took some time before I found one that worked for me. But here's the thing sweetheart...the thought patterns will have to be formed into brand new thoughts in your mind/heart. The meds will help lift your mood but from what I've experienced, you just plain have to work with a determination that you will have a different attitude and thought process. I think stopping these thoughts of being a loser would be a good place to begin, don't you?
If you aren't in IC, I think it would help you b/c this has been a life long battle(if I'm remembering right) and you need someone to teach you how to do what you need to do for yourself.
I had to stop beating myself to a mental pulp and calling myself ugly names whenever I goofed up, made an error, etc. That is a very unhealthy thing to do to ourselves. Maybe that is why my LL is words of affirmation.....and maybe that is why I listen to a silver tongued OM.
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I'm scared my H does not believe I need it because he doesn't seem to respond much if I bring it up
I know, my H is the same way! You want them to engage in a conversation, but that probably won't happen. We have to learn to accept that. If they don't know how to express concern or how to carry on an adult conversation.....whatyou going to do?
Why do you need his approval or him believing you really need the AD's? You don't have to answer that b/c I already know. You want his approval and you think he doesn't believe you need the meds based on his response. The trouble with us W's who have H's that don't talk is that we mind read. We don't always do it very well.
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I think though that he's reached his limit with serious talk. And he's got his own stuff he's working through too. So in a lot of ways I'm on my own again.
You are probably right. It's very difficult when both people are depressed. Talking may be therapy for you, but for him....it addes so much pressureto his burden. You need to talk the serious stuff with another woman until things get better. Notice, I said another woman.
You are loved. You are priceless! Never forget that!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi. I'm sorry I'm faltering here again - I know we've gone over much of this and I feel badly that the lessons you've already taught me are already wobbling in my mind. Thanks for not giving up on me.
I am indeed in counseling with an excellent psychologist. She also told me that the meds aren't a fix-all; just a support for the hard work I have to keep doing. And I'm determined to do it. I know there's no other acceptable choice for me at this point.
Although I do wish my H could talk more openly with me about this, I'm not holding it against him. I know he's doing all he can and that he does love me. Yes you're right. I am mindreading when my H doesn't talk. I guess I always seek his approval because in a way I feel like if he doesn't believe it, it mustn't be 'right' or real. So when he doesn't verbally approve I assume he either disagrees or just plain doesn't care and doesn't want to have to hear another word about it. Yes, I know... mindreading... negative thought patterns... disrespectful to him... just bad bad bad.
I thought I'd come so far, and now I feel like there's still so far to go. And I'm so tired, Sandi. I wish I could just lay my head down on my desk, shut my eyes and make it all go away. Thank you for your encouragement - I'm hanging onto it with everything I've got. FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
((FMV)) You are doing great. Be proud of how far you have come
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Listen sweetheart, don't wait too long before you let somebody know you need to get to a doctor or hopsital. I'm not kidding. I remember when I was falling apart and my D called the doctor's office b/c she knew something was very wrong. If it had been left to me, I would not have gone b/c I wasn't thinking clearly. Thank God, my D came by and saw the state I was in. They told her to get me there right then. Sometimes our nerves just can't continue to take the stress we're going through. I am very concerned about you.
This time of year can be very depressing on a lot of people.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm so glad you got help. sandi2 is incredibly wise and compassionate.
I understand that exhaustion of depression. I'd rather be vomiting. Just be kind to yourself, and tell yourself that this will pass, because it will. And allow yourself the rest without the guilt. The down, the rest--can all just be healing.
I read somewhere years ago--it might have even been a book, that someone considered their nervous breakdown, their nervous BREAKTHROUGH, because it initiated change--a new life.
You are going to get that too. It's kind of like the bulb that's planted in the fall that has to go through the dark winter. And when the spring starts to show the green, and then the flower, just catch the green an nurture it. Let it grow.
Kind of girly/philosophical, but I think you'll get it. It's OK to be where you are, but it's important to take the help, and let the healing begin.
Adding my prayers and good thoughts for you.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
