According to your signature, you've been divorce since March, and that's what? 9 months? Be honest. You haven't let go even after divorce. You're still holding on.
Timeheals,
No, actually we are not divorced (need to update my signature). I moved out a year ago; I signed the dissolution agreement; my wife scheduled the divorce hearing and then cancelled (twice). She asked me to move home in May. We have been living together until just a few days ago. We are not divorced (yet). The papers I signed have since expired.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
What does it mean when a woman tells a man she had a romantic/intimate relationship with that she wants to be friends?
Does she really want to spend time with you, have you rub her feet, talk about her secrets with you?
What's she really saying?
What would turn her off even more?
What would get her to attracted to you again?
I am friendly with lots of women, I am only friends with one woman. Same is true of women. The difference is intimacy in a relationship, create attraction and connection.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
what will or not bring more love in their marriage.
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Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions.
So who gets all those emotions (bringing more love) when your spouse is having sex with someone else?
My simple brain just can't understand how acting as if and watching/enabling your spouse ML with someone else brings more love into the marriage?
Interesting research if you google Helen Fisher. Explains why sex leads to emotions.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
And therein lies the danger of being only friends. You must mix in a little romance, intamacy in order to assure that they see you as not JUST a friend but a lover too.
It's timing that matters...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
"Be decisive and do what your instinct knows is right and you will have your marriage back."
That.. is some "crazy talk".
Lets take the "Mass Banning" as an example.
"You" (Coach) clearly have a knot in your stomach about all of this. But to me.. DB mods drew a line in the sand. I have to assume that they edited some post's. People got a WTF attitude and asked why.
How is this any different to "standing up" to an affair?
The act of the mods here banning people was just not listening to them talk. They did exactly what a vast majority of the "old timers" recommend. They said.. what you are doing is not acceptable. If you keep doing it.. I am gonna tell you why I don't like it.. and cut you off.
Now.. that act has created quite the ruckus. Hurt feelings all around.
I don't get it.
Why do the mods here owe you anything?
I chose to stay away from the posts that had people "going after" their WAS. Simply because I did just that and it made things worse. So from my point of view.. exposing is not always the end all.
I am not picking on PDT here...
But I remember reading a post and PDT was pushing for her to "expose".
I remember jumping in and asking if this was really the best idea. The poster had already suggested that they may get "crazy". I also remember her following thru.. and stuff not turning out well.
LRT.. has a time and a place. Yet so many times I have seen that as the first step.
My place to post is not in those threads anymore.
"Pray for discernment and wisdom."
I question both of those things in your posts recently. If you are like me.. your focus has changed some.
At the end of the day.. we are both tasked with knowing our postee.
We by posting say.. I will hold your hand.. and help.
If you were truly DB'ing you would find a way to get your point across.
Yes.. there are times when exposing and filing for a D is DB'ing.
Yes.. there are times when you need to protect yourself from things that are happening in RL. What was her name.. MaryAngela?
No.. is there ever a time when a "old timer" should be leading a "Newcomer" to anything.
From what I "see" the poster leads. We just encourage them to try that.
When that fails.. we give them options.
Coach.. I expect newbies to fail.
It is part of the walk.
No matter how good you think you are.. you can't fix everything
They will come and find you.. when they really need help.
Leaders show up.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
They said.. what you are doing is not acceptable. If you keep doing it.. I am gonna tell you why I don't like it.. and cut you off.
Problem that never happened. There was and is no discusion.
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But to me.. DB mods drew a line in the sand.
Not consistent or in the appliciation of that line. People were targeted then asked questions and got no response. No warning of what would happened if things continued.
Quote:
Why do the mods here owe you anything?
Never said that. Don't think it.
Quote:
Hurt feelings all around.
My feelings aren't hurt. I understand some of what has been done. The part that isn't logical is the lack of discusion from the other side, the one with editing capability.
I have never used the word "expose" on here. I am a firm believer in boundaries. When I coach I don't teach plays, I teach concepts - understand what the other team is doing and react in a effective way. And every game has rules (boundaries) otherwise a unscrupulous team/player has an advantage you don't because your values, beliefs and morals won't allow you to behave that way.
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If you were truly DB'ing you would find a way to get your point across.
My point is people should think for themselves. DB isn't the end all of advice, the tenents are adopted from other self-help programs. I understand DB early on because I had read it in numerous other places.
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They did exactly what a vast majority of the "old timers" recommend. They said.. what you are doing is not acceptable. If you keep doing it.. I am gonna tell you why I don't like it.. and cut you off.
It worked didn't it?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
At the same time, as Al Turtle points out in his work on boundaries, "all people act at their own pace. Trying to speed them up often produces the opposite result" of freezing and leaving them stuck longer.
I feel this part of the boundary concept has sometimes been overlooked here, in people's eagerness to have newbies not make the same (necessary) mistakes that they themselves have made.
At the same time, as Al Turtle points out in his work on boundaries, "all people act at their own pace. Trying to speed them up often produces the opposite result" of freezing and leaving them stuck longer.
I feel this part of the boundary concept has sometimes been overlooked here, in people's eagerness to have newbies not make the same (necessary) mistakes that they themselves have made.
I agree, and I think that is a good deal of the DB point. Every person is different and every relationship is different, has it's own characteristics, personalities, and pace is part of that.
At the same time, as Al Turtle points out in his work on boundaries, "all people act at their own pace. Trying to speed them up often produces the opposite result" of freezing and leaving them stuck longer.
I feel this part of the boundary concept has sometimes been overlooked here, in people's eagerness to have newbies not make the same (necessary) mistakes that they themselves have made.
I agree, and I think that is a good deal of the DB point. Every person is different and every relationship is different, has it's own characteristics, personalities, and pace is part of that.
Me too, Al Turtle has a lot of solution based advice that brings more love into marriages.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I heartily agree that boundary setting has its own pace. And in some situations, may not be needed at all. Setting them or trying to set them while you still have anger in your heart, while you are not strong, will lead to your not thinking about the right things to say and approaching your spouse in the wrong way. DB'ing before boundary setting for me was the way to go.
I think, if anything, DBing buys you time and gives you patience. Time to stabilize, to calm the situation down, time to let let your spouse change his/her mind, time to let you plan your moves. And we all know that time is what heals. Its a matter of riding the situation out. Everything must come to an end, sooner or later, and that goes for affairs and life crisis, which is mostly what we see here.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
