Preparing to file, Looking for advice here!

[amg2]

I am in IC and have been since before final dday 10 months ago. I had actually started having some very eye opening revelations about myself, to myself, shortly before he was caught. I've been told multiple times that this isn't coincidence, which I believe, but can't explain. I have a history of being reactive. Very reactive, especially with him. It was "a dynamic" from the start. I continue and will stick with my "inner work" which is more important to me than anything.

Just as a piece of info, we didn't "try" to have children. Just never seemed to be the right time. Somewhat in part to his (in hindsight) selfishness with is income, career, etc. BUT, I've never been very kid driven myself. I actually had given serious thought to getting pregnant this past summer before dday. THANK GOODNESS that didn't come about. I would crumble under that pressure.

In hindsight, just about everything he's done since we got together as teenagers was something I told him to do, or influenced him in some way. He has never "shown up" in the relationship, is completely unassertive and doesn't know who he is. That's his journey to go through. He was never a bum, a jerk, a player...kind of hard to explain.

I will probably file in January. I'm considering it a birthday present to myself. I guess that sounds crass. It really is a gift, of sorts, to myself and my sanity and my improving life.

I'm really glad to have the advice here and can hopefully provide helpful info to others too.