Cadet, I read through these posts and am finishing up Divorce Remedies by Michelle. I have a few questions maybe you or anyone can help me with:
1.) What is detachment and the stages? Is this forgetting about the memories -- this has been my hardest obstacle in moving on.
2.) What do you do if you are seperated - H is having MLC and you stop initating contact but he emails you every day like you are best friends (he has stated all he wants us to be is best friends) I feel like by us chatting like the old days doesnt help him miss me or the babies. But if I go dark do I only answer emails about the babies and finances? My fear is the last two months we were not communicating when he left and that may have contributed to him leaving
3.) He wants to spend Christmas with me and my family (we have big parties). We have not discussed the future (when he left all he would talk about is D) is it fair for him to be apart of that give me the babies and my family a false sense of hope when to his friends he is still talking divorce? Do I ask him if things have changed and it they havent tell him I love him but its too hard for him to be at the holidays when he doesnt want to work on the R?
4.) He is only seeing the babies one time a week for an hour or two -- this was a very dotting father and everytime I tell him we need to get on a visitation schedule he ignores me
I am seeing an attorney on Monday. I need to know if I should draw up seperation papers or keep things status qou - he is not contributing finacially at all to me or the babies. I am now working two jobs borrowing money from family while he "parties"
Please someone help with all of these questions - I need some help from experience....
Hopelss29 I didn't get a chance to read your backstory--is there another woman? Well whether there is or isn't I think you still proceed the same. I'll just give you my perspective/opinion on the questions:
1. I don't think detachment is forgetting about GOOD memories, but it is to me more about releasing the bad memories and their grip on you. Case in point, different times I am triggered by something to start thinking about my H and the OW and the deception or lies or cruelty, and I feel myself going into depression/anger, and I usually try to find something to distract myself--work, reading, tv, movie, talking to friends, anything to stop that process from snowballing. To me, that's me trying to detach, to let those memories stop taking over in the present. It's also about finding out that you don't need him to be happy--to stop trying to rely on whatever HE does or does not do to control who you are and your peace (maybe peace is a better word than happiness here) in the present. You have the power to choose to be stuck and keep ruminating or to try to move forward just one step. Ruminating is awful. It gets you nowhere. It just increases self-blame. So I think detachment has to do with becoming your own person. If you look at detachment as "I'm going to cut him off so that then he feels the loss and he comes running back", you're detaching for the wrong reasons, if that makes sense. You detach to heal yourself.
2. I think in your case it might be too early for you to go totally dark. God this has gone on for 6 months so far for me and I still find that impossible. But I have stopped initiating all contact with my H, some time ago, and my responses when he initiates tend to be very succinct.My psychiatrist said in the next month, my goal is to start letting time go before responding at all, or even let some stuff go. If my H just wants to chat, she says ignore it. It's not helping me. And it's keeping HIM from detaching from me. He made his choice. He chose her. He needs to live with that. He can't have us both.
I don't know if your H has the OW thing going on, but regardless, I think it behooves you to ask yourself, is the contact he is making with me making me feel BETTER about this situation or worse? Is it making me think about him EVEN MORE, making me analyze his actions EVEN MORE? Is it giving me false hope? Is it keeping me from detaching? If so, then start to curb that contact. If the emails are about the babies and finances, fine. But other than that, if it's just chatty stuff, you can start to not answer everything he talks about. If he asks why you're being evasive, you can say you're busy. You have a lot on your plate. If he pressures you, I suppose you can say that it's very difficult for you to pretend that everything is fine when it isn't, that you love him, but that this contact isn't good for you because you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost, because you need to hold your family together.
All I can tell you is that when my H didn't get the same level of contact from me, NOTHING HAPPENED. He never questioned why. In fact, eventually he let up on the contact.
You probably don't want this to happen, do you? Because SOME contact, even if it hurts you, is contact. I understand that. That's because you love him. But eventually you'll see it is hurting you, his cake-eating.
You're afraid here to protect yourself because you said you think the lack of communication made him leave. Your'e taking the blame. He left. Not you. Sure you play a role, but he's out the door. Find ways to release yourself from continuing blame. You must protect yourself.
If you're already saying that you think it will be too hard for him to be at the holidays, then I think it will be too hard for you. You have this thought. It must bother you, just the idea. This wound is too recent for you. I think it would be too much to bear (my opinion only). I'd offer him an alternative. Maybe others would disagree with me, but what I don't like is the duplicity, the "I'm here and it's all cool but really it's not."
If he is not contributing at all financially, and you have the kids, and you're working 2 jobs and borrowing money, then ABSOLUTELY get a SA going and signed. You MUST. This is very hard for you I'm sure. Find a friend who will go with you or wait for you at the lawyer's if you're scared. That's what I did. But this is essential.
His behavior is very scattered and minute by minute, or day by day. This is typical. My H has done the same and still is, 6 months later. He can't make a decision. One minute he's going to get his own place, the next he's saying "Oh you know me I'm a procrastinator I guess I'll stay at my friend's house another 6 months."
But you will have more peace of mind for your children and yourself if you take any opportunity possible to take control of your life--your life SEEMS out of control, but it's not as much as you think. You have the power to:
1. Get the SA going to protect yourself financially (and your kids) 2. Start to build a boundary in terms of his contact with you 3. Create some peace for yourself so that when you interact with him, you can do so from a more centered and calm place instead of in panic mode 4. Get yourself in some form of counseling
These are all steps you have total control over. You're in a terrible place but there is hope in some baby steps that you take right now.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
THANK YOU - THANK YOU this was sightful. I am sorry you are going through this.
At this time he denies OW but I am not so sure - who would admit it right?
The conversations make me not think "we are over" and do give me false hope which is why I am having a hard time with it - plus because he says he wants to be my friend I think he is having his cake and eat it too.
I want to be his friend when we dont talk I just miss him so much inside it hurts - and I am not just saying that. But if he is still pushing for a divorce I am so afraid of hurting myself because I am filled with false hope, is detachment in the book? I dont why but I still dont understand it
Detachment is a process. It takes time. How much time it takes for you is how long it takes. When you are detached, you are no longer emotionally invested in his decisions. You understand that what he does has nothing to do with you. His rollercoaster of up and down emotions no longer affect your emotions. His treatment of you no longer dictates your treatment of him. You no longer react to him; instead you respond to him in a way that is measured and true to your values without blame or anger.
What helped me to detach the most was learning everything I could about what he might be going through. There came a point when I found compassion for his pain if he was in MLC, and sadness for his loss if he wasn't.
H29, you cannot control what your H feels or does. You can only control your own actions, deal with your own feelings, and take care of you and your children. Let your H go on his way, because it is his way, and his alone. Begin to find your own way now. It may meet your H's at some point in the future, but if it doesn't, you will be so much better off for having done this work.
Keep posting, sharing, asking, reading, learning. There is a lot of help here for you.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Twink, Thank you for the encouragement. I saw H last night and realized he does love me he is just a confused person and I cannot MAKE him want to be with me and the babies - nor would I want to. He has to make that up for himself. He has moved on - making plans without us for the New Year and future and I need to do the same - even if it is breaking my heart. I am going to continue to support him but I am not making him or us the focus of my life anymore
Reading your post from this morning. Let me warn you if you haven't guessed already. This is a really long roller coaster ride. From the heights of expectation to the bowels of h@ll and desperation. When we say it does get better, it does, but it is definitely a process that can't be hurried, outlined, or scheduled. Don't be surprised if tomorrow, the ride has taken you in a new direction emotionally.
There is nothing wrong with you, you are just human. And like most of the women on this Board, we are nurturers and 'fixers'. We just can't fix this. And it's hard to let it go. Extremely hard.
Come here for your highs and lows. We will listen.
When tempted to respond to H in some dramatic way you are unsure of, think about if for awhile before acting.
Hang in there. The good days will outnumber the bad eventually, whether or not your H returns to the R.
