MLC, H & me...moving foward

[zengypsy]

Hi everyone!

I'm a newbie to the forums but not Michele's books. I picked this thread to join in on out of the others because I totally feel that my H is going thru a major MLC. If I get long winded in telling my story, I apologize in advance. I just want you all to get to know my situtation. You all seem to offer such wonderful advice and support.

H announced last year (12/7/09) that he wanted out when he came home from work. I thought he just had a bad day at work but there was a family issue that preceeded the day before and he didn't like how I chose to handle it at all. In hindsight now, I would've handled it much more differently. He went to stay with his older brother which I thought would be for only a few days to cool off. It turned out to be 3 weeks and 2 days after he went to his brothers, he saw an atty about getting a D. My SIL is a headhunter and she gave him the name of this atty. The atty advised him to come back home so it wouldn't look like abandonment. He came back the day after Xmas and didn't even let me know; he just showed up. During the time he was gone, we had very little communication. I would just cry and beg him to come back home when we did speak. Obviously that didn't work. He moved out "officially" on Feb 6, 2010 and moved to a studio apt in NYC.

I had found out through a third party that he wasted no time in getting on all the free on-line dating sites 2 weeks after he left. He had signed up with one in October of 2009 before we were even seperated and we went on a cruise together the next month. I was mortified on so many levels. Who was this person? I felt like this should all be private and here he is plastering his picture all over the internet. One "dating" site he's on is to find a sex partner. Pretty gross. I don't know to what extent he has has not hooked up on these sites and quite frankly, I'm not sure I wanna know. I know that he closed his accounts with all the other sites except the Adult Friend Finder one.

I should let you all know that I am 48 and he is 42. We have been married for 16 years and together for 20. My second marriage, his first; we have no kids. H has never been independent. Nor have I, but my parents were not strict. He moved from his house to my house when his parents divorced after 25 years. His father at the time was an alcholic; his father started to drink in 1986 after the death of his mother. But has been sober know for over 15 years and is the greatest guy! Sadly though back in the day, my H and BIL apparently had a very rough childhood as my FIL was very strict and heavy handed. My MIL is your typical passive/aggressive, subserviant woman. She is not a warm, sensative person at all especially if you are not part of her immediate family; meaning blood family. She has gone as far to tell me that I need to accept the reality of the situation, handle it with grace and move on with my life. There is life after divorce. Are you kidding me????!!!! This is coming from a woman who was a walk away mom. I can't fault for wanting a divorce from my FIL because at that time, he had no desire to get sober. But she left her youngest son who was 17 at the time behind with the alcoholic. How does THAT make sense?! She and I never really got off on the right foot anyway. I "stole" her son away being 6 years old and divorced at the time. Whatever!

During this time H and I have been seperated, we have had little communication and that makes me very sad. When he does come to the house for something he's left behind, he is VERY ambivalent. That to indicates to me that he is not 100% sure this is the right move. I have been working with a very good therapist since this all happend. She has brought alot of information to the surface. Things that I have needed to address. I can't put it all on H, because I became a very different person after my Mom died in 2002. I am an only child and she and I were very, very close. I was not the same girl he married that's for sure. And I knew it but I couldn't get myself back for some reason. I tried very hard and even went to therapy for 3 years after my Mom died because I felt I was getting very depressed. But therapy didn't help as much as I had hoped. I realize now, that I wasn't with the right therapist and she did the best she could with her style. If I had the therapist I had now, I wonder if I would be in this current situtaion. I am now back to the woman he fell in love with; actually, I am a much better version. It's too bad that because we don't communicate, he can't see that - at least for now.

H filed for D on 10/22/10. I have to say I was in shock even though he told me repeatedly there is no hope for reconcilation. I think there is always a small part of you that hopes you will R and I don't doubt it can still happen. I've read SO many books during this time. Michele's has been one of my faves that stays on my night stand. I still love my H very much. He's my soulmate and I am still holding out hope. Someone told me that some people for whatever reason need to have that finality of divorce in order for them to fully feel detatached. That's when they will actually be able to have more clairity and step outside themselves and the situation and possibly realize what they have thrown away. Let's face it, if some of us have been blamed for everything (like I have been), if we are no longer part of the equation, they have to see that the common demoniator wasn't us, it was them. He needs to see that the grass truly is NOT greener on the other side and that he really didn't have it so bad. My D will be final sometime in Feb. 2011. I live in Connecticut and there is a "3 month cooling off period". I was hoping he'd change his mind, but so far nothing.

People think I am nuts for still having hope even if the D goes through. I refuse to take off my rings. My H is very clear in knowing where I stand. He knows that I don't want the D and that the door is always open for him. He has said thank you to me keeping the door open which is part of that small window of hope staying alive. Because IMO, if he was truly done, he would respond very differently. He has said when he left last year, it was no longer about me it was about him. He also has been involved in the New Age movement when all this started. And by New Age movement I mean reading books by Neal Donald Walsh, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, The Secret etc. All these authors that were on Oprah and part of her bookclub reading. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't begrudge anyone who is into self-help; I just think those books are very narcassitic; it's all about what YOU want, should have and to hell with anyone else. I think you really have to sift through the message carefully.

People have tried to push me into dating and I'm like, are you kidding me?! Not even remotely there and I have no interest unless it's with H. They say but you can't sit around and put your life on hold. And my response is I'm not. I can move on but I don't have to give up. I hear stories all the time of couples who get re-married to the same person after they divorced. It happens more often then people may think.

Well, I think I've rambled on enough. I know I probably zig-zagged all over the place, but I hope you all get where I am at. I look forward to getting to know you all in this forum and welcome your advice.