The choice you have is whether you want to be dragged along for the ride, or do you step off and let your W ride it alone.
And.....do you know how you would be dragged? By a rope! Drop the rope! When you stopped trying to control her....it took the wind out of her sail......so??? If that is the only positive sign you've had, then I think that should be your answer as to what to do.
Love kindlers......hummmmm. Okay, I won't say this is the case with every woman, but when I was in an EA and my mind was on OM, my H could do nothing right. When he tried to rekindle the flames it went very,very wrong! I believe there is a time for rekinling, but when she's in an A.....it could be seen as pursuing.
That is why I think leaving her alone and GAL, dropping the rope.....learn to be happy with or without her, that's what works in most cases, IMHO. When you let go, you have a better chance of drawing her closer.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That is why I think leaving her alone and GAL, dropping the rope.....learn to be happy with or without her, that's what works in most cases, IMHO. When you let go, you have a better chance of drawing her closer.
I couldn't agree more.
YOU can't change her mind. Only she can change it. If you are pursuing, the more she will run. Stop, let go, and let her wonder why.
Easier said than done, but it works. Listen to Sandi, SHE knows.
Well I thought I was at a different state of progress until this weekend and today so I think I wil try your plan vs kindler advice I was given. So what on earth do I do with xmass does she get a gift or just from the kids shopping this weekend, its so messed up.
Does the drawing in work better than the kindler theory I should still at least be civil as we have been right?
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Stay civil, friendly, upbeat, even helpful... Just be consistent! If you are not consistent she will assume that you are the same person she left (or wants to leave) and you will lose ground...
I also suggest non-sexual touch... Touching her arm while getting her attention during conversations. It needs to be fluid and predictable (almost like shes a great friend)...
Or when you are going into a store or through any door, let her walk in first and lead her in by gently putting your hand on the back of her shoulder. Your hand will only be there for a second, but it is so important.
Touch is powerful! And these are non-sexual touches that also show your gentleman side. Another thing that we men forget when we finally "get" our woman...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
What does your gut tell you is most likely to be helpful in YOUR situation?
There's a ton of advice out there, and as Sandi pointed out, much of it at least appears contradictory. You can't keep jumping strategies.
More importantly, advice is just advice. Your job is to synthesize what you hear on this board and make it applicable to your personal situation. Ultimately you have to fulfill the role of being a man and make decisions that you feel are most likely to be beneficial to the mess you and your wife are in.
Have you ever tried to convince a kid that a pair of jeans from Walmart is just as good as a pair of jeans from Aeropostale, Gap, American Eagle, or Tommy Hilfiger?
When you try to rekindle romance with your wife while she is in the throes of a new romance high from the OM, you are like the pair of jeans from Walmart.
Just keep that in mind.
It takes a confident and secure man, as well as one who loves his wife completely, to survive dealing with a woman on withdrawal from a new love. This cuts us as men in every single one of the most hurting ways. And yet your role is to somehow brush it aside and realize that in many ways she is like an addict coming off a serious high.
It takes awhile to come back to reality. It won't happen just because OM's wife tells her to stop. It won't happen just because OM yields to his wife and issues a NC order.
It happens with time.
Meanwhile, what do you do?
What is she going to see out of you while she is going cold turkey? Is she going to see those Walmart jeans chasing her around, or is she going to see a new, fresh, and exciting pair of jeans that SHE has to pursue?
You have to find a way to check your emotions and cut to the chase. You can only do YOU.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Ih think I am at a reassment point my gut says she is gonna file before the middle of jan. Besides that its pretty messed rt now. She doesn't get those emotional responses from me now I have addressed that with my IC. I was doing the supportive role as suggested above and thought that was helping until today. Without any posotive from me she seems to withdraw more. she is set on leaving. She has taken actions to support it.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
I was advised to do love kindlers so she will not want to return to OM.
Not familiar with that term. Did that come from the DB board?
The more M programs you check and message boards you're on...the more variety of advice you'll receive. There was a popular movie & book that came out that people were smitten with its techniques. However, it was so pursuing that it made DBing look like tough love!
My suggestion is to find the programs, board, book, or counselor that you feel is speaking your language and you can see yourself doing what it teaches. One thing for sucan't do all of them b/c they do not agree with each other.
I strongly advise you not to do anything as drastic as exposing, if you aren't sure who's advice to take.
What is your goal? What have you done thus far that showed positive results?
There's something a little better: REAL GIVING by Michele. Shirley Glass has a similar word. Real giving is where you love your partner the way they want to be loved. Not easy, because our natural instincts are to love others the way WE want to be loved. And therin lies a clue as to how many folks want to be loved, and your partner is probably one of them: Your partner probably loves others in the manner s/he wants to be loved. An example: If you or someone your partne rloves is sick, s/he may smother them with loving, chicken soup, doctor calls, the whole nine yards. Or they may leave them alone and give them space....because that's what THEY prefer. That's what means love to them. Try doing things the way your partner does them. Experiment, monitor results--adjust if needed.
I don't believe in being mean or spiteful to the WAS. Some LBS's may see detaching that way....but it's not at all.
Christmastime is hard to know just what you should do about gifts. I think every stitch is a little different and each has to make that decision. Here's how I think I would handle it if I were in your shoes. If I had a guest staying over during Christmastime, I would have something for the guest under the tree. In fact, I ususally have some small gift that could be given to male or female just in case we have a surprise visitor at the last minute.
To me, not having anything at all, would be mean-hearted, but that just me. I think if a couple is living under the same roof and have children opening gifts....they need to see mommy & daddy doing likewise. However, I would not get piece of expensive jewerly,or anything like that. Keep it simple.What would you give her if she was a counsin?
Try not to mind read and focus on relaxing and setting personal goals for the new year.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have always done small gifts anyways because the budgets always been tight that's what happens with a bigger family. That's not how she is currently remembering anything. so maybe I will get her something I know she likes but not super fancy. And something nicer from the kids.
This R based on all her reactions she is dead set on a Divorce. She has the papers completed she just has. To file. She has a real estate deal she needs to decide on before the end of jan. She is doing that all on her own.
So I don't really know where to restart from.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
