Living Like Roommates

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25... You make many good points...

BUT nowhere in your post do YOU take ANY responsibility in the failing of your marriage. It takes TWO people to make it work and TWO people to make it fail.

Sad, Did you really read my post? Of course I take responsibility for my actions, b/c I WENT TO A PRIEST AND A SHRINK and stopped myself! And didn't you read where I said "at the time this is how I felt"?

Honest to God I think you missed 90% of my point in writing that long post....
Good grief. I'm trying to help Punch see how his wife FEELS NOW, not that she's right to feel that way! And that she feels justified. Not that she IS, but that she feels she is...geez..the rest of your post is you keeping score in your marriage. OMG it's so detailed and angry and SO misses the point of DBing...OMG...

Please, lose the score card IF you want to remain married and be happy. Period. We don't measure things the same way first of all, so it's useless. You'll recall events she has no recall of or that she experienced from a totally different viewpoint. I heard a woman say at Retrovialle that the drive up was beautiful and scenic and she felt relaxed. Her husband said he was tense the whole way and that traffic was terrible. They were in the same car. So, is the wife "wrong"? Look, Sad, it sounds to me like you feel "right" and that's what counts the most to you. Not being moral, but being declared "right" and therefore NOT having to change much. Your priority is Not being happy or making your family happy, but "winning", and that's NOT going to get you happiness or even the vindication you so seek. It just won't. This, I know.

I understand how one justifies their actions if they are not getting what they want. But as a more logical, less emotional person I also realize how childish and spoiled and selfish that position is.

To me, you sound as if you are stomping your feet writing this.

YES 25, I left my wife emotionally! Why?

Oh you had a reason! NO ONE ELSE ever had a reason for justifying what they did...geez, you really missed the point of my post. Dang.

Because for the first 15 out of our 16 year marriage my W would tell me that I don't make enough money and we don't have enough and always compared me to all her other friends husbands. She was/is rigid and not always fun... She is nicer to her friends then to her husband and children.

SOUNDS LIKE JUSTIFYING TO ME...

Never mind the fact that SHE stayed home with our children for 12 years, and we live in a VERY large home, and we own rental property and a winter home in FL, and have money in the bank and investments. Never mind the fact that she wears designer cloths and has more than 10 Coach purses at over $300 each.

SCORE CARD...

What do you think SHE did to ME emotionally? Can I go out and find the excitement of new love with OW? Can I go out and taste and touch and tease OW? Am I justified because I felt/feel emotionally disconnected?

I tell you this because WE ALL play a role in the demise of a marriage. I should not have left her emotionally and SHE should not have left ME... BUT I AM HERE FIGHTING REGARDLESS!

HOW ARE YOU "FIGHTING" FOR YOUR MARRIAGE? YOU COME HERE AND SOUND OFF, AND THAT MIGHT BE FINE, IF YOU WERE ALSO CHANGING YOURSELF. BUT ARE YOU REALLY?

It is 100% YOUR FAULT for giving yourself to OM just as it is/was my W... YOU had a choice and YOU chose to lie and cheat as did my W (yes an EA IS cheating at least in my eyes).

YWow. You don't know me at all, but you take my opening up and making myself vulnerable, and choose to spit in my face with your venom. I'm surprised you didn't call me a whore. But I hoped a boor like you might learn how your w FEELS, and yet you blast away revealing your pathology and utter lack of self awareness. You are in no position to judge anything. But if this is how you speak to women like your wife, then you'll never be happily married to her, with this attitude. Period.

And You forget, conveniently, that I am in a restored marriage. Whereas, you're stuck in punitive anger and self righteousness, and the disease of needing to be "right". It's sad. I think it's emotionlly fatal, b/c needing to be "right" is an absolute obstacle to happiness. Self righteousness and anger like you have, and the score keeping, will prevent happiness.

Again, I say this not to blame

Please, of course you blame.

but to point out that we have choices and we are solely responsible for those choices. ANYONE can justify anything. That does not mean it is justified.

I am not angry though I may sound it. I am a realist and morals are morals!

You sure do sound very very angry, and self righteous and critical and judgmental. You say your wife is "not very fun" but I have to tell you that I find that ironic coming from you. Staying at home with the kids is a priviledge to me, and women ought to know that. But it's also a sacrifice for many career women. And it's hard as hell to do, and I've done both, so I know. Did you ever thank her for being a SAHM, or did you feel the real thanks should only go your way? Be honest. how much respect have you given her over the years? Oh wait, I forgot. You were "right" to not meet her needs. Your score card says so.

I fully forgive my W

Not true. Even you don't even believe that.



and will work hard on my M and do not judge her for her transgressions.

You just did judge her, along with me, and anyone else in ALL situations you equate b/c of your boundaries and black and white view.

BUT all that said, SHE CAN NOT have ANY type of relations with ANY OTHER MEN!!! That's my boundary! That's my dignity! That's my self-respect! And I WOULD NOT respect myself if I let her... And you know what? SHE would not respect me if I let her.
Her sharing an emotional experience or event b/c maybe you are unpleasant or unreachable or judgemental and critical, undermines YOUR self respect and dignity? Only if you let it..Your w is not responsible for how you feel about yourself.
And yes, for ME allowing and EA right in front of me IS THE SAME as watching my W have a PA in front of me. She is giving a piece of herself to another...

PA = Body
EA = Mind

I am not willing to share any of it... Show me even one place in DB/DR where it states that a S should put up with this type of mental abuse...

You are not presently in a reachable place. This is pointless.

Punchy... You will need to read your own sitch and act based on what you feel is right. I don't know you nor do I know your wife.

And I pray that your marriage lasts and you find yourself in white shoes retired in FL with your W by your side.

We ALL deserve that! Have a wonderful weekend...