Not much new to report. Not much contact from XH since we scheduled TT for next week.
Only contact from XH came sunday evening around 9pm when he e-mailed his sister and me from his phone: --subject: Made me cry "Bought Mom an electric erasable tablet. Told her to write whatever she wants". He attached photos of what his mother had written: "I love you every minute of the day! Be a good boy! Love always. Mom"
When I got it I replied "I'm SO glad you are able to say these things to each other!!! You ARE a great son to her! Hopefully this provides some healing to both of you."
I haven't heard from him since, but I really think that XH has been striving to internalize his mother's love all of these years. A wife can be nurturing and caring, but I don't think a wife or lover can replace the love of a mother that was withheld in childhood because of mental illness (alcoholism).........Made me think that that type of nurturing is what XH is really seeking. All I can do right now is reinforce that.
On another note..............received a text from BMF at 6:50am on Thanksgiving Day. Very strange. He and I never communicated directly..........EVER........I didn't respond. Anyone who's followed my thread here knows why I didn't respond.......Then this afternoon, I received a "friend request" to my real FB account (not my GAG account) from BMF. .......Weird. ........I'm not sure why BMF has suddenly been trying to make contact with me. It's very odd......but it DOES make me think that I am a topic of conversation between XH and BMF. Otherwise BMF would have no reason to attempt contact.
Hey GAG, That was a really lovely message you sent XH which should make him feel good about buying the tablet and feel good about himself, too.
I wonder if all any of us really want is to feel safe, cared for and nurtured by those important to us in our lives. I think your option to reinforce that is very wise and I strongly believe what is given comes back ten fold.
Contact from BMF is very strange and intriguing.........
Was the text on Thanksgiving simply sending you wishes?
Perhaps BMF has acknowledged that his relationship with XH can only be possible by finally accepting that you are a real part of XH's life.
Perhaps he has spoken of you to XH and XH has challenged him to reach out to you??
I think BOTH of our H's want/need nurturing. I think no woman could fill the voids that they feel --- not OW/GF or us. THEY are the only ones who can fill it for themselves.
I have always given H/XH positive reinforcement. I have written him many, many texts and e-mails like the one I shared. He deserved them.....but the positive reinforcement hasn't seemed to be enough.
BMF's Thanksgiving text said "Happy Thanksgiving GAG! BMF :-)". That was 2 weeks ago.
Thanks for your perspective on the messages from BMF. I suppose it is possible that XH might be holding BMF's feet to the fire since BMF was suspected of sending the anonymous package. I noticed last week that BMF is a "friend" on GF#2's FB page, so maybe BMF is just trying to keep himself in XH's circle of friends as you say.
Got a long e-mail from X-SIL this evening. At the end she wrote "...thanks again for all you do for (mom). I know Mr. GAG doesn't always acknowledge all your visits and kind deeds, but I know he appreciates them! I sure do! You are wonderful!!!"
Interesting about BMF....what is it they say "Keep your friends closer and your enemies even closer???" Are you going to accept his friend request? Your SIL sounds like a great person!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
GAG - When I was reading about BMF trying to befriend you and to text you (6:50am on Thanksgiving Day????) all that came to my mind was that your H probably talks about you a lot to BMF and likely in such favorable terms that MBF feels that it's time to include you in his circle....
Sounds to me like MBF is reaching out with an olive branch...are you going to accept it?
That e-mail from X-SIL must have felt good....nice of her to acknowledge your caring and continues help with XH's mom
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you for your feedback. I am REALLY puzzling about whether or not to respond to BMF in some way. I agree, Mila, that this is an indication that XH still talks about me to BMF.........However, the "strategy" that Jody suggested has me being less attentive, but flirty, toward XH. I'm not sure how XH would perceive it if I responded to BMF.
I don't really "do" a real FB page under my real name. I originally made that account so that I could FB XH's sister a couple years ago, so if I responded to BMF's friend request he would see that there is nothing on my real FB page. Maybe it's better to be mysterious??????
I could always send a quick text about something.......Don't want BMF to find my DB FB page.
Personally wouldnt accept BMF, he does seem a bit of a snake in the grass!
Keep the flirty stuff up, it really caught Mr Rabbit's attention, and also its one of the first things that draw them in when they meet you, and its the first thing that goes awal when we get down to normal life!
Men like you to be a bit of a mother figure but not all the time, you have to be a multi charactered girlie! Naughty, Flirty, Practical, Soothing and Caring, is it a wonder we all sleep like logs at night lol!
Off to rummage around FB and see what I can find!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks for your input. It's always appreciated! ........and thank you for your encouragement to continue with the flirty stuff. It REALLY helps to have that encouragement. Mila reported just yesterday that she saw her H checking her out several times when he visited........and glamgirl and you both said that physical attraction and flirting was the first step in your reconciliations. .....I have always been a straightforward girl. I never learned how to be flirty and subtle. In my 20s, if I wanted to go out dancing with a fella, I would just ask him. .........so I am trying to learn how to flirt now.
With H/XH, he showered me with attention --- his interest was clear --- but when it came to the first kiss and the first "advanced TT lesson", I took the lead.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Men like you to be a bit of a mother figure but not all the time, you have to be a multi charactered girlie! Naughty, Flirty, Practical, Soothing and Caring....
I think you are right about this ^^^^^^^^^.
Regarding whether or not to respond to BMF, I think I am going to ask XH at TT on Wednesday why he thinks BMF has been contacting me. I'm trying to figure out how to respond to XH's reply (if at all). I have been reading my flirting book in preparation......
In an attempt to sort out my thoughts about whether or not I should reply to BMF I've been googling for info about what to do when a spouse's friend interferes in a M. I found some info on toxic friendships and this post below was thought-provoking for me. I wanted to share it (blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/09/what-do-i-do-about-a-toxic-fri.html).
Originally Posted By: Beliefnet
"......A few months back I let go of an important friendship in my life because I realized that our bond was rooted in my woundedness. That is, my intense connection with her wasn't about intimacy or respect or fellowship as much as it was an opportunity for me to enact the role of the wounded child............
In this unhealthy friendship of mine, I began to recognize the childhood crap all over again ... wanting so badly my friend's attention ... because I couldn't be whole or complete without it. By pursuing her and practically forcing her to take notice of me, I was trying to heal the wounded child in me that feels so rejected. My "acts of kindness" weren't, in fact, so generous. They were done in manipulation, to provoke a response. And when I didn't receive the right response, I walked away angry, hurt, and bitter.
That's not an unconditional friendship. That's manipulation. That's a girl very much wanting to heal the wounds of her childhood."
Although the author was talking about a same sex friendship, I think what she described was what my H was trying to do in our previous R and M. When I didn't reciprocate in the specific way that he needed, he was angry, hurt, and walked away. Cyrena posted earlier this week on another thread about how the WAS feels like a victim even though they leave a path of destruction in their wake. The post above described that victim mentality from the WAS's perspective.
The author of that post went on to say......
Originally Posted By: Beliefnet
Maybe one day I will be able to be friends with this person. If our friendship can be life-giving, not life-draining. But lots of healing needs to happen before that is possible, before I know myself as fully loved, as spiritual author Henri Nouwen explains:
When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other's capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other's capacity to give. You will be grateful for what is given to you without clinging to it, and joyful for what you can give without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love."
I am playing TT tomorrow evening with XH. He e-mailed me yesterday from his mother's saying "Mom says............Mr. GAG will kick your a$$ at TT on Wednesday." Interesting that he felt the need to remind me......but we were always very compatible that way. We're both pretty organized.
This will be the first time we've seen one another in about a month because of the Thanksgiving holiday, XH's injury, and my delay suggested by Jody. Wish me luck flirting tomorrow. I am feeling a bit depressed because of the holidays and because plans to go to LA for New Years fell through today.....Kinda bummed because we have about 20 inches of snow on the ground right now, but in retrospect, it would probably have been emotionally draining to be there with sister, her daughter and BF. Lots of drama there and maybe it will be more healing to not be there.
Everyone, please send me flirty thoughts tomorrow. I want to be in a positive state of mind.
........I'm not sure why BMF has suddenly been trying to make contact with me. It's very odd......but it DOES make me think that I am a topic of conversation between XH and BMF. Otherwise BMF would have no reason to attempt contact.