Mixed messages from husband

[Nina]

In an effort to keep myself together I have decided to detach and go dark. For me, this looks like -not always answering the telephone when my husband calls; letting the voice mail pick up his calls instead. Since he is usually calling for the kids, I'll have them call him back. I did my first "strictly business" exchange with the kids. Discussing drop off and pick up arrangements for the first time was a knife twist in my heart. Although he ended up dropping them off late, I stayed upbeat and happy. Don't know how affective I was as that was the hardest thing to do.

I have finally set a number of drastic boundries that are being percieved by my husband as me being "difficult". My refusal to pursue the divorce. -That will be a burden he will have to carry. My asking him to go to marriage counseling if he wants to discuss our marriage in any way. -which can be seen as a baby step, since originally he refused. I also left a note to my H asking him to clean/do something with the rest of his things in "the bedroom" as I am planning to "Spring" clean next week. He complied. I now have my own space. And, even though I said he needed to stop talking to the OW, and he obviously broke that promise, I made it clear. To me it was an explicit boundry. He broke it. Hence my reason for becoming dark.


And more importantly, I finally get what the Lord is telling me, it isn't me. I am not and have not been perfect, but who is perfect? I am only human. I am faithfull and will continue to do so not only to my marriage, but to the Lord. As a result, I am praying that my H accepts the Lord into his life. I am no longer praying for restoration of our marriage. This struggle isn't about me as much as it is about him. I have realized that even though our marriage was not the best, he was never really committed to it in the first place. Therefore, it could never be what it needed to be. A major reason why I was always insecure and passive. His waivering back and forth is all about him and his own struggle to be happy. As individuals, we have to be responsible for our own happiness. Only then can we fully give to one another. This will be a long road and if he ever comes back it will not be for awhile.

Anyhow, I have turned my marriage over to the Lord. I am keeping my eyes and ears on the Lord and learning about what a healthy and happy marriage looks like. There are so many things I didn't know and so many false conceptions we both had about marriage. I will keep reading and perhaps this is how my own personal changes will take place. Hopefully he notices before it's too late. Only God and I will know when that is. If my H and I are to stay together, God will give me a sign. Only God and I will know what that sign is. I am still hopefull, but not expecting anything.

I am ready to roll up my sleeves and put my hiking boots on for this long journey. The best part is that I am not alone. I have my family, my kids, my friends, and the Lord for support and encouragement. I am blessed.