Bob,
dont worry, I am fine I have gotten so much more then I have given believe me. This kind of thing really helps me learn as well. I have overcome roadblocks while answering posts and looking at others situations. when explaining my feelings to the men here to help them understand their W's it helped me realize things for myself. When I first came here, I really didnt accept much repsonsibilty for my part in the destruction of my marriage. I felt hey my EA was a result of the situation I was in and it was only natural. But it really goes further then that. I didnt realize just how much I was setting myself back and keeping myself in a rut and not dealing with the problems at hand by using the om to "escape" and numb my pain just like my H did with alcohol. I was furious that my H didnt just get that. He kept wanting to be sure I knew just how wrong I was for making that choice so I wouldnt make the same mistake again. I finally got it what he was saying. I had written a long post to Bryan in were seperated what now on his thread "progress real or imagined" I was trying to get him to understand it takes time to get past everything and let it go etc. the next day I was writing to Karen Dewitt (I posted that post on my Newcomer walkaway thread) regarding her situation and while I was writing all the pieces of the puzzle fit together for me. it was like the puzzle pieces were things I had learned but didnt know how they fit together. I felt the begining of that break through started with my post to Bryan.

I dont want you to feel I am emotionless about your situation, oh do I empathize with you. I saw what my H went through.
It must be just so incredibly hard to have patients right now. I have taken a lot of time with your posts because I have an idea what you are going through and sure wish someone could have been able to help my H when he was going through this.
Like Sera and Rob mentioned, these posts help them too and most likely many lurkers who read but dont post.

"I really think that the only way maybe to get into recovery is to move away from him. Otherwise there is still way too much contact with him. It sounds like your OM lives away from you and your chances of seeing him are much less."

I hear you. yes there is really pretty much no chance I will even run into him with him living 2 hours away. So in that way its easier. Its really hard with the kids friends isnt it? my 3 kids and their 4 kids really got along well and everytime we are in town over there my kids ask to go visit them and I just feel awful about this mess I caused. Had I only reached out to anyone else! but I cant change the past. I truly thought it was "safe" talking to him in that no way any feelings could come between us, I had been friends with him for 12 years and priort to his W going through the changes she went through her and I were good friends there for each other through so much. It just seemed like it was okay to talk to him. Oh was I ever wrong and it really hurts to see all the destruction of the aftermath. I just have to do my best to forgive myself for my mistakes and ignorance and learn from what happend.

anyhow what I was going to say before going off on my tangent about my guilty concious, was even if you move still the phone is there. the computer is there. they can contact each other if they want to.
the thing is she needs to decide what she wants to do. Its so hard. I went through a while of just wanting know how he was, and it made me so angry that I was being forbidden to talk to him. I needed to realize for myself why I had to let go.
reading at Dr Harleys site does help to make you realize why. For so long I felt like why cant we just all be adults about this realize what happend its not like things turned physical lets forgive each other and move forward and still be friends. oh sure then I will devise the perfect peace treaty for world peace!

"I really want to ask my wife if she misses him and that it is OK for her too. I know they had an attachement and I want to offer my help. But as you said she is probably not ready to accpet it yet. She has used the term safe feelings or saftey net with me in the past. That she has not felt safe with me."

Do you truly feel that way???
Because I have to say one of the things that really helped me to feel close to my H and trust him and open up to him was when he not just told me he understood what I was feeling but he was able to verbally express how he truly did understand and he expects that and its only natural. Talk about making the situation safe for me to talk about my feelings. But I was afraid of him doing what he did over and over. He would be able to listen to me open up about my feelings and hey I didnt hold back I told him. He would be very understanding and very calm and show great compassion and empathy. then later after it tormented him boiling and bubbling over it for days he would just blow up at me! Mad as hell throwing it at me it tore me apart not only that but he would blow it out of proportion and make it more then it was. Tried to say well if you felt this way or if you two are having such a hard time letting go of each other it must have been physical! He drove me insane accusing me of so much. So I really didnt feel safe opening up to him because he would dwell on it and make more of it.

"Detach, be cool, don't get mad, follow your heart, listen to her, be her friend. Lot's of stuff to do."
you get so sick of hearing it dont you? how about focus on you work on youself doing something for you that makes you feel good... ughhh! I know!

Take care
Sue