Sorry Sandi... I know its not healthy to be a doormat, and it never does say so in the book. I think the "doormat" is more of a perception thing. Just like "eating cake". Some people would like to call it being patient, letting the spouse have space to think, and not leaving or setting boundaries during the time they are having an EA/PA. And I for one did all of these and at that time did not feel like a doormat(most of the time anyway), as part of that feeling is when you allow your spouse's action to hurt you or anger you (when you are not detached).
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I am getting to a point where I am ready to drop the rope except of course for the kids broken little hearts and my own welfare, being the man, I'd get royally screwed in D court.
I believe you said you are in a "No Fault Divorce" State. Most states are 50/50. I do not understand why you hang on to this "Myth". Have you actually talked to a Lawyer?
Nobody wins in a Divorce. NOBODY. Don't let fear of Divorce be the reason you do not stand up for yourself.
I am getting to a point where I am ready to drop the rope except of course for the kids broken little hearts and my own welfare, being the man, I'd get royally screwed in D court.
Does that mean you see dropping the rope as quitting?
I would like to suggest you try it before you wait until you reach the point you speak of, b/c once you are in that place....it may be too late.
Dropping the rope is not quitting. It's not D.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dropping the rope is crucial. See after some time these wayward spouses are getting off and building up esteem on your reaction, your pain and suffering, your asking them when they are coming home, your beggging etc.
Your filling them with a selfish pride by holding onto it.
Well speaking as one of "these wayward spouses", I don't agree. That was not at all the case with me!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Pickle might need a definition of dropping the rope Sandi, and I do not want to put words into your text.
Does that mean I can paste my little annology again?
Hope this is getting old.
my picture of what dropping the rope would be, but it's JMHO and that's all.
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.
Unfortunatelly, many men do not drop the rope until they are served with D papers, or file themselves. Then they feel that all is lost in saving the M....so they give up. When they give up.....they drop the rope. Sad, huh? Looking for Help knew the concept of dropping the rope, but he didn't do it until the D had been filed. As you read, his W is doing just like I described in the story.....and yet he is puzzled as to why. Why don't people listen?
How would you act if you and your W were not M? I bet you would find a way to move forward with your life. That is how you need to do now....and not do like Looking for Help and wait until the D before you get the picture.
Pretend that you are a single man. Now, tell me how would you act differently? How would you act around your W if you ran into her in a store or at a friend's house?
As one person described it....it is as though you simply don't give a care what she does any longer. You aren't a jerk to her but you just don't care.....and she can tell. You treat her no differently than a person who means absolutely nothing to you. Of course, most of the LBH's want to argue that point......but that is the problem, and it shows why he can't drop the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thanks for posting that. I copied and saved it in my solution journal. I have just realized that another statement I copied that says "the moment you let go of something you actually gain control over it" is so right that I added it to my signature. That is how I feel right now about my sitch. I have finally let go, learned to focus on myself, really and truly detach. And true enough, my H stumbled, looked back, and i think is in the process of realizing that he doesn't want to go(still don't want to second guess). I have dropped the rope.
Pickle, you will know when you are ready. Good luck and God Bless. Keep on praying for guidance.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
