Actually, I can't remember the last time she said anything nice to me. D is beginning to really look good from where I am.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Think about how you felt back when you did have a connection to her and a good rapport versus today. These things are an accumulation, and if you tolerate it for long enough will cause your mental health to get poor.
Its not about what they say, its about how they act around you as well, it takes alot of the spirit out of you.
I am glad that you have the amount of fight and self-dignity that you have left.
Whatever you do, ensure it is not a reaction - but planned action.
One of the best things I did for my self-esteem in my messed up, leveraged against me situation was to go on ahead and spend time with a couple of other ladies. Before that point, I knew in my mind that women would be attracted to me, even as I am, but once I took action in it - it really was apparent that I am being a fool, and putting up with it for even one day is one day too many.
I know this goes against the advice on this board, but it is helpful for some. I consider it along the lines of GAL.
Spend time with people who want to spend time with you. Do things that you want to do. Handle your personal responsibility.
You need to spend as little time "Looking back" as you can. In this case "looking back" is thinking about the relationship with your wife. Define your new direction, and if she can convince you through love and dedication then perhaps you will allow her to join you for your future journey. If not, then fine - you are going to be happier anyway.
I get what you are saying. For 6 months , I was like you, standing by, suffering, while watching my husband have an EA, but working on re-connecting, living day by day. The DBing let me keep my sanity - I was able to detach, plan my moves, try not to react to the negatives, get out of my depressive state, use the positive stories to keep me up. I was a doormat many times , like when I allowed him 2x to visit OW, and my emotions were really on a roller coaster, but I persisted, helped by the BB, by the book, by prayer.
Let me tell you - nothing wrong in that. I believe that sitches like this have stages, that there is a time and place for everything. For me, the time had finally come to set my boundaries, I felt I was ready, thanks to all the DB'ing I did, and I was able to do it last Saturday. I think H was shocked, did not think I could do it. He wavered, saying D is too final, we can't go back if we did it. I stood strong and said, D or work on M. He sees I am strong and that I mean it. He can no longer threaten me with that .... which is what he used to do before - keep me in line by saying he would leave me. I took that weapon away from him.
So now he is still with me.... of course day by day this can change, who knows what a MLC'er will think of in the next few days, weeks or months. Honestly, I was not surprised by his choice, after I evaluated the situation well, I knew he was going to stay. Hopefully we will get past this stage of his anger and proceed on to acceptance, until the point were we can work on our M.
Your sitch is still early - she has not even met up with OM. I say just keep on working on the connection, do DB - LRT, don't pursue, be lovingly detached, give her space, but at the same time, prepare yourself for the worst.
Yuu have to really avoid being too deeply reactive to what she says or does, esepcially the hurting ones. I think that is the most important part. If you react, get mad, or act hurt, it pushes them away and keeps you from getting stronger. If they see you are strong and can stand on your own, it attracts them back to you.
My H had stretches were he would not say anything nice to me, where he would ignore me unless its something for the house or for D. There were days which, I now see, he was nice because he was planning to do something painful to me (like visit OW) and so he would overcompensate to get me on his good side. Then there were times that we did genuinely enjoy each others company, but I think those were few.
Yous W not saying anything good to you....This is not abnormal at this point, rememebr, we are all here because our S's think they no longer love us, that why they want to leave! We cannot expect them to act lovingly to us!
So do not let that push you into giving up, not unless you know the situation better. You yurself will start being able to objectively evaluate it ONCE YOU HAVE DETACHED. Remember, you want to save your M.
Good luck and hang in there!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Its not about what they say, its about how they act around you as well, it takes alot of the spirit out of you.
I am glad that you have the amount of fight and self-dignity that you have left.
Whatever you do, ensure it is not a reaction - but planned action.
Spend time with people who want to spend time with you. Do things that you want to do. Handle your personal responsibility.
I do have a life and am having fun with my friends. Not chasing any skirts though, although I do yearn for some "warm" female companionship. This existence is getting old in a hurry.
I am getting to a point where I am ready to drop the rope except of course for the kids broken little hearts and my own welfare, being the man, I'd get royally screwed in D court.
I'll tell you what, If I did ever react emotionally to the hurt she's putting on me, I'd be in jail for battery by now.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Angel I agree with everything you said, except of course I am the man. If I put my foot down like you did, I have to be prepared to give up my warm comfortible home, custody of my kids, child support/alimony, and live in my car in this freezing winter.
Unlike your H, my W wants the D asap, even though she wouldn't mind having me as roommate, just so I can play dad. But that just seems so wrong to me - definately cake eating BS.
It's a very sticky sitch, that's why I am "in a pickle." So I have that to consider.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I am getting to a point where I am ready to drop the rope except of course for the kids broken little hearts and my own welfare, being the man, I'd get royally screwed in D court.
Dropping the rope is not D.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Pickle, that's right, you have more to lose. But that's what I was trying to tell you - you don't have to be pressured into putting your foot down!
Looks like your choice right now is open M vs. D.
Guess you just have to take what she is doing with an open mind, stave off the D, let her eat cake for now, be a doormat. Thats all part of DB, but as I said, nothing wrong with that if it will bring you back your W. Fight tose feelings of dropping the rope.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
be a doormat. Thats all part of DB, but as I said, nothing wrong with that if it will bring you back your W. Fight tose feelings of dropping the rope.
I respectfully disagree. I do not think it is healthy to be a doormat. I personally do not think that is the message of DBing. Having patient, yes, but to lay down to have her feet wipped on him,no.
Anyone who has been M for any length of time knows that their S will say things and do things that hurt us. But b/c there is love in the R it doesn't become some major battle. However, if the mistreatment becomes a regular behavior....then there is an issue of lack of respect. It's my personal opinion that the WAW needs to respect her LBH before she begins to have those loving feelings toward him. But those are my opinion and I don't recall reading it in DR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Its not about what they say, its about how they act around you as well, it takes alot of the spirit out of you.
I am glad that you have the amount of fight and self-dignity that you have left.
Whatever you do, ensure it is not a reaction - but planned action.
Spend time with people who want to spend time with you. Do things that you want to do. Handle your personal responsibility.
I do have a life and am having fun with my friends. Not chasing any skirts though, although I do yearn for some "warm" female companionship. This existence is getting old in a hurry.
I am getting to a point where I am ready to drop the rope except of course for the kids broken little hearts and my own welfare, being the man, I'd get royally screwed in D court.
I'll tell you what, If I did ever react emotionally to the hurt she's putting on me, I'd be in jail for battery by now.
Chasing skirts, not necessarily catching it may be just what you need to have some masculine energy reinjected into you. It really works. Right now if that is your only sourc of female companionship, love, etc - then you are looking pitiful to you and yourself if this has been going on for even more than a few months.
I am getting to a point where I am ready to drop the rope except of course for the kids broken little hearts and my own welfare, being the man, I'd get royally screwed in D court.
Dropping the rope is not D.
Dropping the rope is crucial. See after some time these wayward spouses are getting off and building up esteem on your reaction, your pain and suffering, your asking them when they are coming home, your beggging etc.
Your filling them with a selfish pride by holding onto it.
When you drop the rope, you actually don't care. Its almost like they are gone in your heart, it literally is one step from gone. It is necessary to do this for you to do rebuilding without backsliding.
