It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

[desert_rat]

(((((BobbiJo))))))

I think you might be co-parenting in the wrong direction. OF course, part of my bias is that my kids are older, and that may be the difference.

I don't think the key is doing things together, in the end, especially with the young kids like yours, I think they are getting mixed messages from that. That's not to say you don't do things like go to the same events, but maybe you don't follow up by going to Santa together, of lunch together.

My guys seem to be doing well, XW and I were talking about it last night in fact. But I don't think its the time when we are in the same place that makes the difference. I think it's that the kids know both of their parents are looking out for them, and will do what it takes to take care of them. They know that we talk to each other, and that we are not fighting over them, or tearing each other down. They don't have any illusions that we are getting back together, but they also know that they are going to be taken care of, and they are ok.

The problem is that it definitely takes two parents acting more or less like adults to pull it off. I don't know how you get Dan on board. It seems to me the best you can do is lead by example, but there's no good evidence that he will follow.

I am going to think some more, there has to be a better way! But to start, I really think you would be better served to not be around him as much. Even if that means missing some things you would like to be at. Maybe the kids need to get the feeling that you are comfortable trusting Dan to be Dad without you?

[newmama]

Maybe the kids need to get the feeling that you are comfortable trusting Dan to be Dad without you?

I can agree with this!

However something I haven't seen is you setting some boundaries with Dan like telling him not to speak to you in that way. Of course there is the consequence of him lashing out and does it really change anything? But not responding to his nasty texts or avoiding him when he starts talking crap might be a good start. After all, you are divorced so you don't have to deal with ALL of his attitudes and actions!

[BobbiJo]

Definitely need to tweak the whole coparenting thing. Will work on that...at least there is a 3 week break from basketball! Granted Nathan and I will practice during that time...

Feeling really lucky today so going to make a gratitude list as I hear recommended so often...

1) My kids. They are just the best, even though they aren't perfect. Nobody is! Last night they wanted to cuddle in my bed bc I put on my flannel sheets. Nice and cozy!

2) My family. Yeah they drive me crazy. Often. But hey they love me and they are who they are...at least I know I have them and they help so much. Which is good bc I need BIL to come back and put up the lights that blew off the house.

3) My car. Below zero windchill and snowy streets, but it started like a champ and had no trouble on the hill that used to give me fits last year in my old car. Love reliable transportation!

4) My house. I watched Home Makeover last night. I rewound it and made my kids come see that poor house. Holes in the siding, holes in the drywall, no sink in the bathroom, using a wrench to turn on the shower, and no power to one whole side of the house??? And here I have a nice warm house, food in the fridge, clothes and toys for my kids. Awesome.

5) My job. I just love my job. Where else do you get hugged by little people on a regular basis? Tomorrow I get to make gingerbread ornaments and sing Christmas songs. And I get PAID to do this!?!

6) My new bedspread. My former grandparents gave me $100 in my Christmas envelope just like always. How sweet is that? And if I hadn't taken it they would have been genuinely hurt... So I bought a beautiful new bedspread that fits the beachy/carribean feel I had in mind. Bright turquoise with white and green accents. Hard to describe but so cute! Got the whole set on clearance at Dillards with the money. Including 4 pretty shams and two decorative pillows. Love it.

7) My church and Pastor. I just love my church. It is so great. The people are nice, the sermons are fabulous, and the kids' program is excellent. And yeah I let Nathan take communion again this week. Why? Cause he loves God and he gets it. Awesome kid.

Ok I could go on but no one will probably read this besides me, anyway! I just want to always remember the good and not let anyone with a bad attitude bring me down...

[kat727]

I think it bothers Dan that the kids want you so much. Well you are their Mom and for some reason, Moms will always carry a really special place.

I don't think you need to go to games etc if it is Dan's night and vice versa. Maybe he wouldn't be so crtical if you weren't around. He is mad that you had the nerve to divorce him. He is mad that you are happy. He is mad that the kids seem to prefer you.

Maybe in a year or so you will be able to do a thing now and then together but certainly not now. I was blown away that my ex and I were actually able to go in together and get each of the girls an American Girl doll. We are going to have them open them on christmas morning before he goes to his parents with them so that we can both see their faces. It has taken us 2.5 years to get to this point(post divorce), I hope eventually you guys can too.

kat

[BobbiJo]

Well that is what is weird...we do a lot of that already...

This year I bought all the Santa stuff and he paid me half. In fact we walked through toys r us one night when exchanging kids in the metro (I was there for a dr appt) and I wound up buying a couple things for Dan, at his request, after he left w/the kids. He paid me for those, too. And we are doing Christmas morning together bc I will not give up the Santa experience as long as my kids believe...

[kat727]

But that was you doing all of the work and they are all from both of you. My ex does his gifts, I do mine. The dolls are expensive and we both knew the girls wanted them so I just asked if he would want to go in together on those. He doesn't know the kids very well and usually gets them things that they haven't much use for.

If I could help my kids out, why not?

kat

[kat727]

Oh afterthought, that means Dan needs to start doing things for himself. He doesn't know how to do that as far as gifts for the kids. Ex and I kind of compare lists to make sure we don't duplicate. I thankfully have fewer to deal with while he has hers and ours.

Lucky me.

kat

[BobbiJo]

So, I don't know if I should have or not, but I sent Dan an email on Saturday night. I am sick of his bs.

I just said that I get that he seems to think he can never forgive me and all that jazz, but his behavior at the game was unacceptable and he needs to get over himself ASAP. That as much as he complained about growing up with an angry dad and resentful mom, he needed to get his act together so he doesn't give his children the same experience.

Then I said, please, go throw a tantrum somewhere, break things, throw things, whatever you need to get it out. He!! as far as I am concerned, go marry Steffi and have ten kids, and buy out the lady who lives on his piece of land and go live there. Just figure it out and stop being a jackass.

Maybe it wasn't the best way to deal with things but he needs to just knock the crap off and get over himself.

[newmama]

wooo hoooo! I am so impressed, BobbiJ! Well done standing up for yourself and letting him know he can not get away with acting so childish!

I am sure there will be a backlash, right? But I can't help but think about how sometimes when we fight back, they back down.

Maybe your new muscles are giving you internal strength too!
What is the latest with your dating life, btw?

[soleil]

LOL. Hopefully that will get the point across to him.
Now when he comes back with his latest tantrum about that, handle yourself with dignity and be as cool as a cucumber.