I know... it was probably a big mistake to write. But I have so much that I need to get off of my chest and don't know how else to do it. I can post here but i broke down and wrote that. She hasn't replied and for all I know it only sped up the divorce procedure for her. We are completely separated and are already having very minimal contact. When we do talk she acts like she is selling me a used car or something. Like I am a complete stranger mixed in with a little talk like nothing is happening at all. I don't want to sit around hoping that she changes her mind... Maybe I'm reading that wrong but if I have to go on with my life without her I'm not sure how I can be also hoping that she comes back to me. Just like everyone else I have no idea how to do this.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
That's my biggest issue now. I want to be there for my kids. My W knows that, and I know she wants that. She doesn't have any intention of taking my kids away from me, but at the same time if we were to seperate I would automatically see the kids less - it would be a given.
I think she's still not thinking about things, similar to me it's all emotional. She "doesn't love me anymore" so obviously why would she want to be with me? I've hurt her emotionally, so she wants to remove that hurt.
That's why it's so important for me to detach. I need to remove that dependance on her and let her come back to me - or if she doesn't at least try and get to a place where I'm ok with that. (I know it easy to say - hard to do).
Like this morning. My W calls me at work to ask me a question, I immediately hesitate. I'm not going to answer it - but I decide to anyways. She has a simple question which I answer, and I try to end the call. I say, "I need to go, have a good day". To which she sounds disappointed?!?!
So I call her back to "make sure everything is ok", and she says "you just sound upset/angry" to which I reply "no I'm just tired, and I tell her I'm fine and to have a good day".
I honestly believe a time will come when she wants to see the good in me, but I can't sit around waiting or expecting it to happen. She is stubborn by nature so I imagine it'll take some time.
I need to make me happy, focus on making the most of my life regardless of my W. I think you need to try and do the same.
I'm saying this as much to you as I am to me, it's a struggle - constantly.
Good luck.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Okay, you got it off your chest....until the next time you feel the urge. I think you will discover that it will not draw her back one inch closer by sending her these types of messages.
If it has not been deleted, you should read Coach's old threads and see what drew Greek back to the M.
A WAW needs to see strength in her LBH. If she sees any neediness in him, she will chew him up and spit him out. She is not turned on by clinginess and desparation. What she will notice is a man who is moving forward in his life and that he is not stopping and waiting on her decision about him. She doesn't see a man who is depressed, but one who is decisive and making the most of his life--and having a PMA while he does it.
So......do you think that is the man she saw in your email?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No kids for us thankfully. I can't imagine trying to go through this while dealing with that weight on top of everything. If I start to feel sorry for myself I think of that and realize how lucky I am.
It's true. I'm sure that I will feel the urge to communicate with her again but I don't know how I'm supposed to not. I talked to her every day for 10 years and up until Dday I never had a reason to think that that wouldn't continue for the rest of our lives. I don't understand so much and I realize that it might not be possible for me to. She has done some really strange things through this process and I don't know if she is reaching out to try and communicate with me or if I am just over analyzing everything. But tagging a picture of herself in a picture of us from vacation in august that was already on her facebook page seemed odd to me. Then she randomly "liked" a picture of my nephew that I had tagged her in like a month ago. These things may be trivial but it's all I have to go off of.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Every time I hear a song or watch tv or drive by some place that we both went to or think of a memory it ALL reminds me of her lol
What is going on in her head? when she watches a show that has a story line that could easily be substituted for our situation does she acknowledge that? How does the WAW process what is happening? Maybe it is just different for everyone but I sure would like to know what is going on in her head
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Yeah and I have DR. I guess I'm just torn. I don't want to be in denial and keep waiting for something that might not ever happen but I don't want to give up on us if there is a real chance that we can repair our marriage. All that I can do now is sit around waiting for her to let me know when our court date is. I have almost no interaction with her and just don't know what I need to do. I am working on me for sure and that is extremely rewarding. I guess that's all that I can do.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Yeah, to be honest at this point most of my sadness comes from the guilt that I feel because I have gotten so much out of this and it was all off of her suffering. I think that this has pretty much been a religious experience for me. I have considered myself agnostic since high school but (and this might sound nutty) when she told me that our marriage was over I was completely humbled. As the lexapro started to take affect and I deconstructed myself in a way that I never have before I started to realize that a huge part of our problem was the way that my anxiety was affecting our lives. As the symptoms of the anxiety were relieved by the medication it felt like a demon was gone from my body. Like evil had been keeping me from loving her. Then it dawned on me that God is love and evil would be trying to keep me from experiencing that. I have never felt this close to understanding God but it all makes sense to me now in a way that I really can't explain. I literally feel like there is a light inside me and it kind of freaks me out to admit it lol.
At least I have facebook so she can see my updates and pics. That's about the only way I have of showing her that I am in such a good place right now.
Man, I this stuff about being agnostic and having a complete turn about once your wife leaves you could have been written by me! I'm going through a very similar issue so my heart goes out to you. I hope that things work out.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
All that I can do now is sit around waiting for her to let me know when our court date is. I have almost no interaction with her and just don't know what I need to do. I am working on me for sure and that is extremely rewarding.
I think if this you plan,it needs a new evaulaton.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
