Starting again...

[evolve35]

Ok, could use some thoughts on my current sitch, quick update...

Essentially NC past ~6 weeks. Saw each other in hallway a couple of times, I smile, say 'hi' keep walking and make no attempts to engage him. Small changes I notice- he resumes parking in area we have always parked in, starting to loiter a bit in my area at work when not necessary. Maybe trying to catch my eye a couple of times. I just keep doing my thing.

The NC followed me blowing him off a little bit when he kept coming to me at work 1) acting like we are pals and wanting to tell me how hard his shift was or 2) to see if I got this letter from L or that etc. Seemed to fill 2 things for him: he got the comfort of talking about this in a 'safe' place and he enjoys talking to me.

Tues. first contact, he e-mails me about changing my account to my password as he realized he had set it up for me & let me know he found a non-essential item at the house I had asked him to look for 3 months prior.
I replied thanks...planning on coming to house Thurs + Frid to get rest of my stuff if it worked out for me. It is implied, as before, that I will do that while he is at work. He replies I can get it whenever I want.

Thurs is notice of request for adjournment- no sure if he or his L initiated it. Text that I am heading out to house in 1 hr, could we meet some time to talk about adjournment, coffee perhaps? He replies he is at the house sick. Told him I will come on Fri instead then, hope he feels better.

No text back.

I do not text or go on Fri, did not see his car at work (TBH, chickened out a little). Sunday he texts I should call to discuss adjournment and rescheduling when I have time... now I know he initiated it and he still doesn't want to meet face to face w/o a security blanket (house, school).

I respond via e-mail and cc my L: H, I work all week. I would be happy to meet after work somewhere to discuss adjournment so I can reply to Mr. L. Can see H opened e-mail but no response. (2 e-mails from L in that time wishing me luck and building my self-esteem )

This AM (Monday), he comes to find me at work, 'do you have a minute to talk?' I tell him I don't, he can see I am busy and this is the time of day I can not talk. (besides, I have already requested that he does not talk to me about this at work) He says he has a flexible schedule this week, call when I can to talk about the adjournment and rescheduling.

Ugh. We have been together 9 years and he can't even face me to talk!?! He is doing everything possible to avoid it.

After being upset about this all day long, I finally reach a point where I say to myself that if he is so uncomfortable and terrified to meet me, he clearly still has feelings. Maybe I should just drop it and tell my L to OK the adjournment. According to my L, it's not like they won't get it anyway regardless of what I want.

IF, we do meet up, I need to be prepared! I essentially would like to know why he has requested adjournment. If it is to self-serve I want to tell him not to drag his feet. No need to drag this out, I am ready to move on. That being said, its not what I want but if this is how it has to be, I want it over.

He will bring up WAS crap again. "I have nothing to hide" Planned response: you and I both know that is not the truth.
But the truth is, I don't have a lot of intel. I saw an e-mail that was crossing the friend line back in April. They both had blackberry's so I am sure there was lots more of msging but not where I could see it. I do not have proof of an in-depth EA and no proof of a PA. I KNOW there was at least a EA w/ someone. I know based on his actions. Suspect PA at end. I know PA within weeks of separation.

He likes to also say "I am OK with the D"... I don't know how to respond to that. Obviously he is not if he has to bring it up. It is so forced.

Regarding reason for adjournment. Even if he is having second thoughts, he WILL NOT admit it. I am sure of it. He will use some excuse so I don't know how to wade through the crap to say I don't want a D, but I don't want to remain married to someone behaving like him.

I feel like he is holding on to me. Knowing that if he delays it, I am not likely to begin to date until I am officially D'd. Who knows though, maybe it truly has nothing to do with a foot anywhere near the door.
Sorry this is so long. I am just freaked out about how to respond. I have a very difficult and long work week ahead of me. This is not a prime time for meeting him but not sure I can wait any more... but, I may not have a choice.