Need Insight II

[angel61]

Hi Pickle,

I get what you are saying. For 6 months , I was like you, standing by, suffering, while watching my husband have an EA, but working on re-connecting, living day by day. The DBing let me keep my sanity - I was able to detach, plan my moves, try not to react to the negatives, get out of my depressive state, use the positive stories to keep me up. I was a doormat many times , like when I allowed him 2x to visit OW, and my emotions were really on a roller coaster, but I persisted, helped by the BB, by the book, by prayer.

Let me tell you - nothing wrong in that. I believe that sitches like this have stages, that there is a time and place for everything. For me, the time had finally come to set my boundaries, I felt I was ready, thanks to all the DB'ing I did, and I was able to do it last Saturday. I think H was shocked, did not think I could do it. He wavered, saying D is too final, we can't go back if we did it. I stood strong and said, D or work on M. He sees I am strong and that I mean it. He can no longer threaten me with that .... which is what he used to do before - keep me in line by saying he would leave me. I took that weapon away from him.

So now he is still with me.... of course day by day this can change, who knows what a MLC'er will think of in the next few days, weeks or months. Honestly, I was not surprised by his choice, after I evaluated the situation well, I knew he was going to stay. Hopefully we will get past this stage of his anger and proceed on to acceptance, until the point were we can work on our M.

Your sitch is still early - she has not even met up with OM. I say just keep on working on the connection, do DB - LRT, don't pursue, be lovingly detached, give her space, but at the same time, prepare yourself for the worst.

Yuu have to really avoid being too deeply reactive to what she says or does, esepcially the hurting ones. I think that is the most important part. If you react, get mad, or act hurt, it pushes them away and keeps you from getting stronger. If they see you are strong and can stand on your own, it attracts them back to you.

My H had stretches were he would not say anything nice to me, where he would ignore me unless its something for the house or for D. There were days which, I now see, he was nice because he was planning to do something painful to me (like visit OW) and so he would overcompensate to get me on his good side. Then there were times that we did genuinely enjoy each others company, but I think those were few.

Yous W not saying anything good to you....This is not abnormal at this point, rememebr, we are all here because our S's think they no longer love us, that why they want to leave! We cannot expect them to act lovingly to us!

So do not let that push you into giving up, not unless you know the situation better. You yurself will start being able to objectively evaluate it ONCE YOU HAVE DETACHED. Remember, you want to save your M.

Good luck and hang in there!